WWYD -- Wife finances

[MorganFreemansVoice]

I have been with my wife for 14 years, and we have DC (6) separated but live together.

Before we had DC, we both worked. I have paid all the bills, including her food, and she has done whatever she pleased with her money. She never had money left at the end of the month or savings. I always hoped that she would be more responsible with money as she gets older. We are both 38. I have a decent income, but nothing to shout about.

Once DC was born, she received maternity pay for 9 months, I did not care or question what she did with the money.
After the maternity pay ended, I obviously continued paying for everything, including her clothes etc. She received the child benefits of around 90£/month, and I've said that she can use that money for tea/coffee when they go out in town. This 90£/month was insufficient for her, and she always asked for more, and I gave her. I only spend about 60£ on coffee at work a month.

I forgot to ask for the credit card back once, and in one week, she spent 450£+. When I asked her what she had spent the money on, she could not tell me. When I checked the transactions, it was all on clothes from shops like Primark. When I asked her to show me the clothes she had bought, she did not have them. She habitually buys cheap clothes, uses them for a very limited time, and throws them away or gives them to charity.

Fast forward, she found a part-time job a couple of months ago ( potentially to be extended to full-time). We agreed that from the money she gets from this job, she buys food(400£) for herself, and DC, keeps 150£+90£ child benefit for spending when they go out, and the remaining money goes into a joint savings account where she can use that money to get her place in future. She got paid on the 20th of Oct 760£.

She lied about what she got paid once she said 450£, 550£, and 650£. Anyhow, on the 5th of Nov, she came to me and asked me to lend her money because she had got nothing. I got a bit pissed and said, I want to see how much you got paid, she refused to show me, but in the end, after some arguments, she laughingly showed me on her phone that she got paid 760£.

So, in two weeks, she has spent around 800£, including the child benefit, and when asked, she will not tell me for what. Hasten to add, in those two weeks, she only spent about 65£ each week on weekly Tesco home delivery.

P.S
On my days off, every week, I usually either cook or buy takeaways from my money, and therefore, she spends very little money, if any, on food when I am off from work.

Is this behaviour normal?

This thread is a little muddled and my very clear and urgent message to you may have been lost… to make it easier here is point by point what is needed.

To do list

1. See a solicitor regarding your assets and divorce proceedings.
2. Assess what the wife is entitled to benefits wise living with you but separated via turn2us and citizens advice. Ensure she applies for all, helping her or getting her help to do it (because it will make your life easier). On the wage she is on it will likely be quite substantial. Alternatively have her move to full time work. Note that even if she moves to full time work she will still be entitled to a lot of benefits. As may you actually as a single person if you are 50% responsible for your child, depending on your income.@3
3. See if it is possible financially for her to move into her own accommodation immediately or to take on the family home off the back of points 1 and 2 (depends on what solicitors advice is - if she is the lower earner and will have primary custody of child she may get the house, if custody is 50:50 and she is amicable, you may get a 50:50 split… if the house is rented just get out of there now!!)
4. If it transpires you will have to stay co-habiting (unlikely), make sure you set up an account which is solely for the payment of bills in the interim, where you both contribute equally for everything from tv license and electric to food.
5. Regardless of whether you live together or separate, set up an account for your child in trust with you as the trustee, the child benefit can go into this with as well as equal contributions of at least £100 - £150 a month from each of you (you may decide to put money in to cover childcare and extracurricular, holidays etc in which case it would be more)… if you think this unreasonable consider that a trip to the cinema is about £30 - 50 for a family these days, attending another child’s birthday £15 - 20 plus transport… really you need to sit down and do a budget for your daughter. It costs us at least £500 per child per month and that is with limited childcare costs and before you take into account food, accommodation, utilities and holidays. But does cover extracurricular, childcare, clothes, shoes, haircuts, toiletries, activities, birthday parties etc. You may be able to get two cards for the account or just one that you pass back and forth with the child during shared custody. But it would give you, the more responsible person financially, an overview and degree of control over spending and reassurance that the money is actually being spent on your child.

Hope that helps, good luck!

This

@Bearbookagainandagain

I think you are missing the point. I only want her to save money and move out when she has enough to pay the deposit for the property.
We are in a rented property, where she categorically declined to be on the tenancy agreement because she did not want to be responsible if anything went wrong with it.

I would move out, but since all the contracts are in my name, I am unsure if that's possible.

consistently writing with the £ sign after the amount (400£ rather than £400) is bizarre.
AI Bot??

@Muddybooties Thank you very much for your advice.

I know!

She's a financial train wreck. She'll never change. OP needs to extricate as quickly as possible.

If you are in rented accommodation you would be better to help her look for somewhere else to live. Then pay her months deposit, rent in advance and send her on her way. It will be cheaper than continuing to support her financially.

@MorganFreemansVoice

Hurrah! You are in rented, this is great news for you!!

Mate she is having you on, there are budgeting loans, emergency grants and all sorts to help with rental deposits.

And as others have said you could contribute to help get her out the door.

Honestly there is ample support for her. A night’s reading on the net, a phonecall and a citizens advice appointment should set things to rights.

Take care of yourself, separations are tough, stay strong.

I know this is nothing to do with your question but since when did people start using 500£ instead of £500?

You have a six year old together. Living in the same rented house together is a family. It is a big step if one of you moves out and it is highly likely the child will be with the mother more so if I were a man I would not necessarily rush to arrange one to move out.As there is no joint property but tenancy in father's name then the father if there has to be a moving out situation is going to have to be the one to stay. However if the mother simply will not be financially responsible nor get a full time job with both parents arranging and paying for before and after school care and school holiday care then may be negotiating an early release from the tenancy with the landlord is one route; but the priority should be housing the child.

As the parents are married both need to be aware that if they divorce even money obtained after divorce in England including inheritance and future pay rises goes in the marital pot so I would be advising the better off husband to get a clean break divorce not even £1 of spousal support even if that involves paying the wife a lump sum to achieve that (this is separate from each parent supporting the child). This would need to be drawn up in a court order or agreed consent order sealed by the court with finances negotiated/ agreed before decree absolute.

Do not think like the ex hippy who 20 years later was an eco millionaire that divorce is final. Even 20 years later if there is no court order on finances or consent order the lower earner can come back for more and more. Even if there is such an order even a very low maintenance can be returned to years later with ex asking for more too.

@LizzBurg

I could be wrong but I don’t think the OP and wife are of English origin. I got that just by reading the situation which is culturally atypical here but common elsewhere. Lack of awareness of financial support was another factor.

In many non-English speaking European countries, and beyond, the customary currency symbol follows the amount, and is preceded by a space, whereas in English there is usually no space and the symbol for the main unit comes before the amount. So OP’s placement of the £ may be a hangover from country of origin.

It sounds like she'll never save for a deposit and leave because she knows she can sponge off of you.

I'd probably cut off the purse strings, pay towards and care for the child equally, and plan to move out so she is forced to find an alternative.

Stop giving her money!

Pay your half for the kids, so half of school trips, uniform, clothes (make sure you pay it directly) and your half of bills and leave it at that.

If she asks for money simply say "we're separated that means separate finances I can't continue to pay for you."

Also the way he says “child benefits” rather than child benefit is more typical of elsewhere. As is renting when married.

I love how people are saying OP is financially abusive when he's paying for EVERYTHING, doesn't touch her money, and is quite happy that she spends all of her earnings any way she wants.

I think all he's asking is some visibility into what she earns because she appears to be spending frivolously, and he feels he can give some insight.

Throw this one back OP... it doesn't seem like you're getting much out of this relationship.

@WowOK

Did your wife take a career break to care for your child? She did because that's what she wanted.

Does your wife work part-time to be avaliable for school pick up and drop off? I do the drop-off and she does the pick-up.

Chores are split 50/50.

Thank you very much for all your responses.

You’re married to your wife. When you officially are divorced, you will have to work things out. As a married couple, I believe your finances are shared. I know that as a mother that took three lots of maternity years and then worked part time, I have taken a bigger financial bit thank my dh who worked all through, kept his pension & career going. It’s not all as simple as it seems.

@MorganFreemansVoice

It doesn’t matter that she took the career break/lesser hours because that is what she wanted.

This facilitated her looking after your child and will be seen by the court as a sacrifice on her part to your benefit.

As per another poster, get a clean break divorce so that you do not owe her payments in X years time.

Simply because she has been a SAHM/part time worker and because you have provided for her the court will say she has ample grounds for her to fight to continue.

Stop it now, separate and get her to stand on her own two feet immediately following the good advice you’ve been given here.

You are missing my point: she will NEVER have enough money to move out earning that little.

Is it possible for her to work full time with the current pick up time or are you using after school care so your wife can earn a full-time wage?

who pays for child care during the holidays?

Who covers sick days?