To think my daughter has turned into her father... my exh?

[aitsonlydove]

Nineteen... we are all walking on egg shells. Never happy, entitled, rude and ungrateful. Not a shred of kindness towards me or her siblings .
She has said to me that she sees why I annoyed my cheating absent exh, her father, yet they have no relationship themselves.
I finance her solely and she hardly says thanks.
Final straw is that now that she is uni she doesn't want anyone in her room( I need to use it midweek for laundry) and I finally lost my shit. She comes home at weekends.
AIBU or is this typical asshole 19 year old behaviour?
Backstory is that she reacted badly to break up and Covid and essentially isolated for a few years but can always socialise and be the life and soul...

He was so similar with his moods and negativity. She would knock the spark off a Christmas tree.

When she owns her own home she can say who goes in and out. Don’t let her speak to you like crap.

Turning in to your ex? Who presumably you despise.

OP, stop even thinking this and start addressing the piss poor relationship you have with your child

I've tried to appease, treat and just go with her but I think I'm done. I love her of course but I cannot stand her to be around the home anymore at weekends. I'm dreading holidays.

She sounds very difficult and rude. But won’t have happened over night.

Just use the room it is not her choice.

Im not sure you can completely blame her dad on this one from the sounds of your post you raised her not him.

but no where do you say you’ve tried to discipline when younger when she was presumably also behaving poorly.

I've tried everything to address the piss poor relationship I have with her to my detriment. She is abusive and nasty to us all.
She then comes back all sweetness and light when she wants the next thing.

How much contact did she have with her father growing up?

They were close until she turned into a teen and then he became critical and verbally abusive when she would not toe the line. I did the exact thing opposite and now I am reaping the nightmare.
He lived with us until she was 16.

She was a dream up to when she became a teen and their relationship went to shit.

Yes I've raised her solely since 2020

So she’s been like this for the last 6 years?

Three years

What did you do to protect your DD when she was being verbally abused by her dad OP?

it is a shame you can’t empathise. there is a clear correlation between the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father and her deteriorating behaviour

Poor kid has been a lightning rid fir abuse and abandonment. Help her get therapy. Stop comparing her to your ex, even secretly in your mind, and try to help her build other skills than manipulation or abuse.

She was a normal teenager until 16 in that she of course pushed boundaries etc but nothing out of the ordinary. She has become particularly difficult since Covid restrictions and when he left.
I've tried absolutely everything. GP, school, family have all told her to pull herself together essentially. That she can behave perfectly nicely to friends and extended family and socialise regularly was the basis for the advice.. She refused counselling and what I did was let her walk all over me to try to keep her close. Now I am at the end of her deep unhappiness and subsequent behaviours.

I always intervened when he was being critical and not picking. Always amd
Told him that he was not to be so nasty to the kids. And in front and f her. She knows and knew I had her back.
He left then when the others became teens. He lost complete control of them so I kept them
Away from him.

I've tried everything I can think of. Can you advise ?

Tell her to "shape up or ship out permanently "

She's disrespectful towards you all.

Stop making excuses for her behaviour.

Have you told her that you’re not willing to tolerate her treatment of you and her siblings and you’re giving her a window of a week to evidence she can act kindly before you review whether she needs to move out or not?

No I haven't. I couldn't do that to her. No one else would take her in.

I'd try to get her into therapy again as the abuse has deeply affected her. Telling her to 'pull herself together' is not very helpful.

But call her out every time she's abusive and then move on. But yes she has picked this behaviour up from her dad. Kids mirror their parents.

As for your relationship with her, do you have any 1:1 time?

One to one time every day she is home .