To think my daughter has turned into her father... my exh?

[aitsonlydove]

Nineteen... we are all walking on egg shells. Never happy, entitled, rude and ungrateful. Not a shred of kindness towards me or her siblings .
She has said to me that she sees why I annoyed my cheating absent exh, her father, yet they have no relationship themselves.
I finance her solely and she hardly says thanks.
Final straw is that now that she is uni she doesn't want anyone in her room( I need to use it midweek for laundry) and I finally lost my shit. She comes home at weekends.
AIBU or is this typical asshole 19 year old behaviour?
Backstory is that she reacted badly to break up and Covid and essentially isolated for a few years but can always socialise and be the life and soul...

Maybe she should stay at uni at weekends and get a weekend job to help pay for her own shit.

That's an awful question. She left him that's what she did.

She's not a toddler who lacks abstract thinking, rationale, consciousness and accountability. Irrespective of whether she's had a traumatic time in her life, that doesn't permit her, as an adult, to go around being disrespectful and abusive herself. Excusing her behaviour will do her absolutely no favours in the long run and will only serve to validate her dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

You can, and I imagine always will, be there to support her when she is ready to reach out for help, but that doesn't mean you cannot hold boundaries in the meantime; in fact I would argue the latter is essential for everyone.

It sounds like a loaded question but I think it’s important for context. Some children/teens can turn on a parent if they feel they weren’t supported or protected from the other parents bullying/abuse.

Also OP didn’t leave. He left after having an affair.

But not for 16 years.

It could be learnt behaviour, or an attitude that you and her lived with it once, so why not again. However I'd say that she's possibly having a MH crisis. There's been a series of events going back six years, but I doubt that it isn't longer and you minimised a lot. She needs a strict talking to, no excuses, just a plan going forward. Put boundaries in place and ask if she would consider seeking MH support. You need to say sorry for putting her in an abusive household. But what's happened has happened and it's about new starts. If she continues then she stays at Uni because you need to protect your younger children. You need to be open and honest that what happened shouldn't have.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, however you need to tougher. Tell her If she’s not going to behave you’ll reduce her allowance or stop allowing her to come home at the weekends.

it’s interesting you tried appeasing her- did she see you appease her father

Until you set boundaries and her actions have consequences she’s unlikely to change as she has absolutely no motivation too. You can set boundaries and tell her you’ll be there to support her but if she doesn’t work with you not against you you’ll have to support her to go to the council for temporary accommodation, or support her to find shared accommodation with strangers