WIBU? DH pissed/dealing with it when he got home

[NotTheBloodyMattress]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

DH rarely goes out for the night for context. He also rarely drinks (less than once a year). However, when he does he drinks to excess every single time. Because its relatively rare, its not a massive problem.

However, he went out last night and got back very late and he was completely bladdered. Wasn't overly coherent and was actively trying to start an argument in a passive aggressive way, accusing me of being in a mood and repeatedly saying sorry/why are you in mood. This went on for about an hour.

Finally managed to get into bed, where he continued the above, but also being weirdly playful, like pulling me in super tight for cuddles, tickling etc. Not going to lie, it was half 3 by this point, I had been up since 6am and I just wanted to go to sleep. I was getting pissed off. He did finally go to sleep, only for me to be woken 2 hours later because he pissed the bed-all over me as well as the bedding, mattress, himself etc.

Obviously I got up and showered, started stripping the bed-went downstairs to get cleaning stuff and he has left his wet clothes on the landing carpet, ignored the copious amounts of pissy bedding and gone to sleep on the floor!

Obviously expecting me to clean up (and it stank because of what he was drinking!)

I've woken him up and made him clean it up himself. This descended into him shouting at me, because "he just wants to sleep" (in work today-started late), almost breaking the washing machine trying to ram in the mattress topper, and yelling "I'm sorry I'm a cunt" at the top.of his lungs at 6am in the morning.

He has cleaned mostly -still have washing in-and I am just feeling a bit fed up.

Appreciate he is in work today, but it was his pee and his choice to drink so much knowing he was working today! He works PT, me FT and I am tired! If he hadn't cleaned it then, I would be having to do it now.

WIBU to make him clean up after himself? I wasn't so cross until he started having a go at me WHEN HE PISSED ON ME!!!

This is a bit unfair to him. Yes he is in the wrong here and I am annoyed. But he has done an excellent job of the lions share of raising the children/keeping the home running over the years.

YANBU when you can talk to him about this point that he’s wet the bed 4 times, if I’ve got that right from your posts, I would say if he does that again he will buy a new mattress/bed and bedding because you will not be cleaning after him again.

Or leave so that he can freely piss the bed in his bachelor pad.

It doesn't matter what state he is in. He is a grown up who should be aware certain actions have consequences. Dont lift a finger. You can always have a talk tomorrow but tonight he cleans it all. His mess, his responsibility, and the fact he was screaming abuse (drunk or not) at you is just the cherry on the top. Stop protecting him or he will never learn.

So next time he goes out drinking, he stays in a hotel. And it's non negotiable.

Let him deal with the fall out.

@NotTheBloodyMattress what do your kids think of him shouting "I am sorry I am a cunt" at 6am? How utterly childish, though to be fair pissing the bed is pretty "childish" too.

You were not unreasonable to be so angry that you woke him to clean up.

You were probably unreasonable to think he might be capable of making a conscious decision, when he was so drunk that he PISSED YOUR BED,

Don't do anything to help clean up. Absolutely nothing. Don't help carry the ruined mattress downstairs. Don't let him sleep in any other room but the stinky one.

I thought the worst thing drunk men did was forget the way to the bathroom and try to pee in the wardrobe and I wouldn't put up with that happening 4 times!

He came home drunk, tried to start an argument with you which lasted an hour, and then pissed the bed.

What advice would you give to one of your teenage children if this happened to them?

That is your answer.

I have partied very hard in my time but never have I pissed the bed, or pissed on my partner.

@Hibiscrubbed PT because he was a SAHD for many years and has only recently started working again, this is what was available

He sounds pretty useless
Would you say this about a stay at home mother who could only find PT work after being out of the workforce for years? Presumably he still does stay at home duties after school etc.

Nor me. I got very drunk in my youth, precisely 3 times and all before I hit 25. Never pissed myself.

Dh and I regularly have a lot to drink, we're just that sort of family but we both still remember to go to the toilet when we need a pee.
I couldn't live with dh if he wet the bed (unless he gets to 100 and incontinent) then I'd sleep elsewhere.

This.
If he isn't mortified, apologising continually and planning to never get in that state again then he is a selfish bastard.

The drinking infrequently means nothing- I'd rather have a partner that could enjoy a few drinks every weekend but manages (like most adults do) to not piss all over themselves, me, or the furniture.

What if your kids saw that? Disgusting.

Please draw the line.

I am going to treat myself to something

A hotel room away from the dickhead?

He's done this 4 times before... for the love of God OP why on earth do you let him into your bed at all when he's in this kind of condition? Lock him out if you have to.

I mean, in a sense yes it is his choice whether he drinks or not, but you are not obliged to stay with him if he makes a choice the consequence of which is you occasionally being kept awake, ranted at and pissed on.

I am very opposed to anyone trying to control their partner's choices generally - people who seek to control what their partner eats, who they talk to, whether they smoke etc. But I think drink, and other substances which radically alter behaviour, are a reasonable exception to this.

My husband and I both stopped drinking to protect each other (among other reasons). We were both capable of not being very nice to each other after we had had some drinks, and I did and said things at times I deeply regret now. But neither of our behaviour ever came close to what you describe here.

It's obviously totally up to you, and I am not meaning to tell you how you ought to feel. But I just want you to know that him treating you as you describe, and getting into a state where he actually urinates on you, it's really abusive, and abuse is never ok, even if it is only occasionally. Maybe the first time it happened he could claim he didn't know it would. But every time since, he knows he might end up doing this to you and still pours the drink down his throat. And that, in my opinion, is a form of abuse, and you deserve better. X

This happened to me once, I was the bed better but I honestly only had 4 glasses of wine and was tipsy when I went to bed but not wasted. I was utterly mortified and had no idea how it could happen. This is just for those saying it's a deal breaker. My husband would never have left me for that as he knew how I wasn't that drunk but something weird happened to me . If it happened to me one more time after that tho, I would probably quit drinking as I would know that means I have no tolerance so I guess for it to happen 4 times is a bit much

^^I agree that this is the best approach going forward. DH and I have the agreement if one of us goes out for several drinks, we sleep on the futon on our spare room.

Neither of us have ever been so drunk that we’ve something disgusting in the bed, but we tend to snore after alcohol and are generally fidgety-plus I hate the clingy smell of beer.

Next time he can sleep alone and if he has an accident, he can deal with it…although he shouldn’t he getting into that state, it’s ridiculous.

What do the teenagers think of his behavior?

Are they not mortified that their Dad pissed himself and the bed due to binge drinking.

I'd be asking them how it impacts on them having a Dad that does that?

The behavior you describe is not okay.

If a woman and a mother did that there would be a totally different attitude.

But men get away with this.

Realistically it sounds like you'll do nothing about it anyway, isn't that right. Huff for a bit then leave it.

Suggest he goes to an AA meeting.
He needs to.

This. And just because he does it once a year, that doesn't mean you have to accept it! People treat you as you allow them.

What I don't understand, apart from the fact you're still with him after he has urinated all over you not once but several times, is why he hasn't taken responsibility for buying a 360 waterproof mattress cover. Not doing so means you have to replace the mattress each time for £££. He knows he's an incontinent drunk, so is he stupid as well as dirty, or is it just that he's entitled enough to think it's not his problem?

Suggest he goes to an AA meeting.
He needs to.

@Lucy377 Does getting disgustingly drunk four times in 20 years make you an alcoholic?

He definitely needs to exercise more self-control and sleep elsewhere if he’s been drinking though.

My lovely DH had stage 4 bladder cancer. He had everything removed and a wee bag instead of a bladder. Every few months we have an inevitable accident. We have a fantastic waterproof mattress cover, if we have a leak it takes five minutes to change the bed, mattress stays dry and we can all get back to sleep. I would be very unhappy if I had to do this and more for a pisshead DH.

If I wet the bed when I got drunk … I just wouldn’t drink.

I think you’re meant to rub their noses in it.