Not allowed to go to the gym

[Agii]

Hi!

It’s more about one issue, but this is clearly a bigger problem with attempt to control.

Me and and my partner are generally quite fair with each others rest / recreational times, however I find I’m being made a villain for wanting to go to gym twice a week at “his” time at home. (Sounds pretty controlling when he says that) we have 2 young kids.

Basically, I go to gym on Tuesday night for a class after kids have been fed, kitchen cleaned, partner has his dinner ready and often they are in pyjamas by the time I hand them over, which leaves him with getting them to bed or dressing them (depending on day), but there isn’t much for him to do. And that is “my “me time“ night “
He gets Monday night as his “me time” night, so I sort out kids all the way to bedtime, no chore sharing. Wednesdays He goes out to football quite late, so we sort the kids out together. Other nights we just share the responsibilities, and I don’t mind if he wants to meet someone in the evening for a drink or dinner, as long as it does not clash with my plans.
But tonight, after jointly sorting house / kids I said to him after dinner, that I will go to the gym once I put my youngest to sleep and eldest one is likely to stick around with him for a bit and watch cartoons and fall asleep(which he does often) and is hardly and issue when I’m at home and he stays with eldest next to him in the bed watching cartoons. There is not much effort required and He either is scrolling his phone or going to sleep. Therefore I can’t see an issue how my absence is going to be so difficult for him to manage his son.

He started getting very wound up, pointing out that no, you aren’t going, we talked about this thst you only go on Tuesday night and not allowed other time while I’m at home. Not weekends either! And I’m often skipping weekend visit to do things with my family, but it is nice to have some moment to myself, which is no longer than 1.5 hours anyway. However he does not notice that he often spends 3+ hours of weekend days either in the toilet or hiding away to rest and yet I can’t say anything. He seems to have such an irritation about the gym and think that having a break outside home more than once a week is inadequate. It means only 4 times a month is the most I can go.

But my tonight’s visit didn’t require him to do anything, he went to sleep about 20 minutes after I left, with my son next to him.

I started going there when I felt very anxious and self conscious about my physique. Since then I have improved my shake, mental well-being and it’s nice to go somewhere where I’m not labelled as a mother of two, just another person at the gym.

You know what to do. Put up with it or challenge him. If he ant cope with you having a life you choose to stay or go. He ain't gonna change.

Hi Ladies,

Update :

So I confronted him today and now the guilt tripping as it's impossible to get him to say :Yes, honey, as long as it does not hugely impact our family dynamic, it's fine to go. And then the exaggerated parts of me sending endless invites (when he forbade me months ago and I went silent and just communicated via calendar to state the fact I'll be out) once he ran out of the house first to make sure I don't go. He loves guilt tripping and I just want to shout, but i am better than that. Twat !

This is what got after mornings "chat"

If you ever talk along the lines of us breaking up again and sharing custody we are going to have a serious problem. I put you and the kids first in my life away. Every bit of money I earn goes on you and the kids. I hardly ever go out with my friends because I put you and the kids first and the money I earn is for you and them - not going out with my mates. That is first and foremost the main reason why I do not go out much, as it would seem to me that has not even crossed your mind. Secondly - you worked every weekend last year because you wanted to work. Every weekend I gave up so you could do that. You still work every other weekend. Then you wanted to go to the gym and told me it would be during the day while I was at work - no problem! How I can possibly have any issue with you going to the gym and getting in shape when I have agreed from the beginning you can go during the day - this thought only lives in your head. Then you couldn't go during the day and sent me meeting invites for every Tuesday and Thursday evenings at the start of the year - but we won't go into that. I agreed for you to go on a Tuesday night - no really problem, I even did not moan when you went to the gym the last couple of weekend - even when you were working. But please do not keep taking and taking all the time ans expect me to just role over. Especially when I try and have a conversation about it with you and explain my feeling - which you do not want to hear at all and start throwing accusations at me and accuse me of being controlling and talking about how we can share custody. That is disgusting behavior especially when you take all of the above into account and you will then blame me for getting angry. And I am the controlling one? Get real

This relationship is unhealthy. I’m disgusted at his response to you and yes he is controlling.
Why are you with him?

It wasn't always like that and is not always like that now, but I feel that behaviour comes out when I need a regular free time (which is not a lot) it isn't my problem that he is too tired to do anything for himself, i get tired just like him.
Also, if I won a lottery- I'd be gone ! So, finances play a huge part!
I'm sure many of women are in the same boat and I know for sure I'll get away from him once I have some financial independence.

Controlling and manipulative...run! In a healthy relationship people don't stop each other from doing things. Obviously if someone is going out on the piss night after night and checking out if family time, that's different. What you're asking isn't unreasonable and barely impacts him at all. His reasons aren't good enough to say you can't do it. It is controlling and it is unhealthy. He can try to tie you up in knots and threaten you with serious problems as much as he wants. It's not normal to run out of the house to stop your partner from doing something, that's the most immature, toxic, childish behaviour going. I don't know how you can even like him.

@Agii make a plan to escape and to save everything you can and run for the hills.
This guy isn’t for you and you deserve loads better.

He’s being a dick and I am not on his side

BUT

If he goes out Mon and Weds
You go out Tues and Thurs
You work every other weekend
He gets up early on the weekends and you stay up later and then sleep in (if I read this right)

Then that really isn’t much time together and it’s a lot of time solo parenting, for both of you. I can imagine he may be reacting to that, albeit going about it all wrong.

What you ought to do is figure out ways that you both get your time (equally) and still get enough time together and sharing the parenting load.

For example: can you find a gym with a creche so you can go in the daytime?
Can you swap to a weekday job and use childcare, albeit that would mean less money for everyone?
Can he be around for teatime/bathtime on a Monday and go out after that?

Obv the first thing to think about is equality/fairness but I do also think it’s worth looking at the overall amount of time you get together

'this thought only lives in your head'

He's gaslighting you. The reality is that unless you can work and/or gym when it doesn't affect his wish to sit and veg then he's going to have a problem with it.

He works 'to support you and the children.'

Well yes, because you have generously put your career on pause to be a stay at home parent (and so saving high nursery fees).

Honestly, he's not going to change and you deserve better. Get yourself out of there, he either does 50/50 child care or you claim child maintenance. Get yourself a job, use the free nursery hours that you'll be able to get, go to the gym and put yourself first. You sound as though you are working through your issues well but he is putting barriers in the way. Don't let him.

The Freedom programme might be something to look at and Women's Aid may have courses to help your self esteem and confidence. Good luck x

He simply doesn't want you to get in shape due to his own insecurities that other men will be interested in you, and he'll be found lacking. Which he is.

I'm a fulltime working lone parent of a 3 year old (child's father lives abroad) and I get to go to the gym more than you do. Admittedly I'm remote, so it's easy to go in my lunchbreak. But my point is your partner isn't a true partner. If he was, he'd want you to be happy and healthy.

I think you need to work out exactly how much free time you both get away from the kids and present it to him in black and white. It seems like as he doesn’t have to worry about housework or childcare he has every evening to himself which isn’t fair.

Also how old is your youngest? I just took my DS in a pram to the gym before he started nursery and parked him up near my machines - went during his nap.

You have your answer there. And they usually have a 'good' side, that's hiw they get you in the first place. Get away as soon as you can.

He does housework, but during the week barely any, he treats Monday to Friday as his priority to free time after work.
Youngest is 2 and a bit, so isn't quite as portable. And no childcare funding yet until he turns 3. I used to use the crèche, but it closed down after 2 months of starting there, which reduced my chances to go during the day unless I ask my friend, but it isn't always as easy. He puts many obstacles for any extra things I need to do.

Your problem here is he still thinks he has to ‘agree’ or ‘allow you’ to go. Tell him straight - it doesn’t matter whether he ‘agrees’ or not. He can parent his own fucking children occasionally.