Not allowed to go to the gym

[Agii]

Hi!

It’s more about one issue, but this is clearly a bigger problem with attempt to control.

Me and and my partner are generally quite fair with each others rest / recreational times, however I find I’m being made a villain for wanting to go to gym twice a week at “his” time at home. (Sounds pretty controlling when he says that) we have 2 young kids.

Basically, I go to gym on Tuesday night for a class after kids have been fed, kitchen cleaned, partner has his dinner ready and often they are in pyjamas by the time I hand them over, which leaves him with getting them to bed or dressing them (depending on day), but there isn’t much for him to do. And that is “my “me time“ night “
He gets Monday night as his “me time” night, so I sort out kids all the way to bedtime, no chore sharing. Wednesdays He goes out to football quite late, so we sort the kids out together. Other nights we just share the responsibilities, and I don’t mind if he wants to meet someone in the evening for a drink or dinner, as long as it does not clash with my plans.
But tonight, after jointly sorting house / kids I said to him after dinner, that I will go to the gym once I put my youngest to sleep and eldest one is likely to stick around with him for a bit and watch cartoons and fall asleep(which he does often) and is hardly and issue when I’m at home and he stays with eldest next to him in the bed watching cartoons. There is not much effort required and He either is scrolling his phone or going to sleep. Therefore I can’t see an issue how my absence is going to be so difficult for him to manage his son.

He started getting very wound up, pointing out that no, you aren’t going, we talked about this thst you only go on Tuesday night and not allowed other time while I’m at home. Not weekends either! And I’m often skipping weekend visit to do things with my family, but it is nice to have some moment to myself, which is no longer than 1.5 hours anyway. However he does not notice that he often spends 3+ hours of weekend days either in the toilet or hiding away to rest and yet I can’t say anything. He seems to have such an irritation about the gym and think that having a break outside home more than once a week is inadequate. It means only 4 times a month is the most I can go.

But my tonight’s visit didn’t require him to do anything, he went to sleep about 20 minutes after I left, with my son next to him.

I started going there when I felt very anxious and self conscious about my physique. Since then I have improved my shake, mental well-being and it’s nice to go somewhere where I’m not labelled as a mother of two, just another person at the gym.

Tell him he can sit in the toilet for an hour at any other time that doesn’t affect you and his toileting habits aren’t your problem.

It all sounds very ‘me me me’ from your DP. You need to stop looking at cooking, cleaning, changing the children into their pyjamas etc as your responsibility. Perhaps I’ve missed it but do you work OP? The reason I’m asking that is if you’re a SAHP is he seeing you as a nanny and housekeeper?

Whatever your situation, there is no way anyone would be telling me I wasn’t doing something when he could easily look after the children. That’s just pure laziness on his part.

Stop doing the dinner and bedtime stuff for the children on your nights off, I'd be leaving as soon as he gets in and let him sink or swim.
Basically he doesn't want to parent his children.

I just don't get this. I'd say "don't forget I'm at the gym tonight" and on a different night, DH will say " don't forget I'm out walking tonight" and that's that. If you can't do this, there's a problem.

@MistletoeAndWhiteWine

I work every fortnight 2 evenings
But overall I am full time stay at home parent. Pretty much all Children’s needs Monday to Friday are on me. Which gets very tiring after constant cooking and kitchen cleaning. He pulls his weight on weekends, yet I feel that me leaving the house alone is very unwelcome move, in case he wants to sit in the bath or shower for an hour.

He sounds vile and controlling.
Tell him ok, well until I feel a bit fitter and healthier, and more comfortable in my body, we are not having sex.
Wonder how quickly he will change his tune.

Just think of what happens when women try to put these restraints on men and you have your answer. Go to the gym.

DH doesn’t expect it but I get tea sorted before I go to the gym. Some days I go after work and he picks DS up from school. Other days when I feel guilty that I haven’t seen DS properly, I go when he’s in bed (and leave DH watching a box set on his own 😂). All times DH will ask me if I’m going to the gym. He knows it’s important to me and he’ll take over at home in the same way I take over if he wants to go out on his bike. But it isn’t tit for tat. He’s only been out twice so I can’t go to gym for a third time? Bollocks to that. I honestly couldn’t be arsed with that level of pettiness. If you’re nearly splitting over the gym, it sounds like there are bigger issues. Good luck to you op, it doesn’t sound like a pleasant place to be right now.

Tell him that the alternative is that he coughs up for a few hours childcare a week and you will go to the gym during the day.

You're wrong here. They love to play the victim. They don't for a minute feel the victim. All this guy wants is to control you, and it's a massive red flag. He's pissed off when you push back, and then he's the 'victim'. Don't buy it

I didn’t even read all of that. Put your gym clothes on and walk out of the door

The question you need to ask yourself is when do you you get to sit in the bath or shower? His wants don’t come before yours. This is all very one sided and you’re pandering to him. It doesn’t matter that he pulls his weight on weekends, he needs to pull his weight all the time.

H sounds like an arse.

In the event you split up and did 50/50 care, you'd have a bit of free time and he'd need to step up massively.

Is he aware of this?

I had an ex like this even down to the bathroom habits and he was messaging others on his phone in the bathroom and the paranoia came from the fact he was deflecting his behaviour onto me.
he was also really controlling and very abusive towards me.
I just think you need to think about this and ask yourself what has he got to hide because his behaviour is extreme even the bathroom habits.

There’s a name for this. Coercive control. I had the same. The double standard in that ex could do whatever he liked whenever he liked for as long as he liked but woe betide me if I wanted to go to the gym or meet a friend for an hour or two.

The more I read the more annoyed I get .
Tell himyou do more parenting and work at home also paid work combined, and that you will be taking 4 days a week at the gym as you are going to be fit for Xmas !

This

OP, it's lovely your defending him. However, having experienced something similar (my ex used to tell me I was selfish for wanting to have a life outside my children) I think you know there's more to this than a gym membership. I reckon you'll look at the majority of this advice and think to yourself, "but he's not that bad. He loves me."

In a few years when you're ready to go back to work things will change - you'll have a life he can't control which will cause you a lot more issues.

I'm not going to tell you what to do because I think you know the answer and you're in denial about the solution.

Years ago, I expressed an interest in doing a night class, and my exh (note: EX) pooh-poohed it as there was no way he could be expected to be home from his busy job to put kids to bad for eight Tuesdays in a row. We split (for different reasons) and I did the course, got a job, and carved out the career from that that I wanted. It was absolutely a control thing: he simply did not want to concede any ground to me as his free time was paramount. Dog in the manger stuff. Whether it’s the gym, friends, a walk, personal space, or a course, when your partner is vetoing it, stand your ground.

How come he gets to go out on two nights and you only get to go out on one night, and you even have to get the kids ready for bed on your one night out per week? This sounds frightfully controlling and isolating.

He's disgusting. Why are you with someone who has such contempt for you??

Really, really sit and think about that.

You're not allowed?
What else are you prohibited from?
Your dad sounds really mean.

I think you need to go out more, I mean if he can go out to football/drinks/dinner multiple times a week then so should you.

Just because he works doesn’t mean he is allowed to dictate your life to you.

All the whinging needs to stop as well, as it’s a tactic to make you feel guilty for going out after poor didums has worked all day.

I think you will need to leave him to it on a weekend ( go out all day) and let him know what work is really like for you.

Ask him if he thinks looking after children is hard work and you need a break after it.

If he says yes then you need a break in the evenings.

If he says no then why is he complaining about doing it.

Or is it easy when you do it and hard when he does it?

Does he sound like a man who’d want to have 50/50 care?

This makes me so sad. Op having a bit of freedom when you have very young children is so important for your mental health. If there is any possibility you can stay with someone I really think relationship counselling and a trial separation would really benefit you both. He really needs to realise what path he is on if he keeps this up. I really hope you are able to get through to him, or leave permanently.