Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I want to support my family but DP wont let me

52 replies

time2change1 · 10/11/2023 14:33

Background:
I've been with my partner for about 15 yrs. We have 2 DCs, 10 and 4yo. When we got together I was a trainee and he helped me out financially. Since qualifying I've had a good wage around £35-40k.

After having 1st DC, DP lost his job and (because he didn't really like it anyway) I suggested he go to college and train in a trade. He did and we lived without his wage for 2ish years, which was fine as I could increase my hours and earn enough to cover us, and his training had the potential to increase his income from £25k to £35k+.

Circumstances leading to present situation:
DP really struggled since 2nd DC and was using alcohol to numb the stress. Our relationship took a nosedive and recently I said if he didn't stop drinking we were done because he was becoming emotionally abusive. He has stopped drinking at home.

During the pandemic I burnt out and was out of work for awhile. After the pandemic our eldest DC struggled massively with mental health - OCD / anxiety etc, and stopped going to school, so I left my job, became self-employed, and DCs carer.

Current situation:
DP loves his work but doesn't earn enough to cover all the bills (earns about £29k). He doesn't want to leave because he likes the workplace, even though he could earn more elsewhere. I understand this so have been trying to make things work.

Since burning out during the pandemic my mental health has been pretty low and I've only been managing to work 1-2 days a week. I also started training in a different role that would offer more flexibility and be less demanding. But I've missed too many days with the kids being ill / off school so have dropped the training and cutting back on work.

DP is livid because we can't survive without my income but despite knowing the circumstances he hasn't made any attempt to try and resolve it. For example:

When asked if he would be willing to be a SAHD so i could work full-time (which would more than cover our expenses), he refused
When I asked him to reduce his hours or work part-time to be able to drop off and collect the kids - nope!
When I suggested that we move to where my family live (overseas) as parents are retired and could care for kids while we both worked - again no!
I even said we could both work part-time so that we could each do either mornings or afternoons with the kids, and that wasn't okay either...

In terms of childcare, it's really hard to find something suitable due to needs of eldest DC.

DP will care for the kids when needed - but doesn't volunteer to because he finds them stressful and most of the time avoids being in the same room as them. He does quite a bit of the household chores and sorts the finances.

I feel like I am bending every which way and am just waiting to breakdown again. I'm being expected to be on call for the kids (and mostly responsible for them as DP is usually away from the house for about 12 hours every work day and 6 hours on Sat), plus retrain / build a business around the family's needs as my previous career is too full-on to try fitting it around other demands, and all while not forgetting my wifely bedroom duties, as that's the only thing he "needs" and "asks for from me".

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Swimeveryday · 10/11/2023 17:10

Work full time. Leave your husband. Pay for before and after school club. You are basically a single parent anyway just with the added demands of a husband on top too.

IncompleteSenten · 10/11/2023 17:12

Sounds like he's not worth staying with tbh.

flumposie · 10/11/2023 17:17

He avoids being with his children.

You are better off without him.

1990thatsme · 10/11/2023 17:23

Another repulsive man living with a woman who is far too good for him.

Bin him.

LittleMooli · 10/11/2023 17:24

I think not wanting to move overseas is fair enough but the rest of it. He needs to grow up

vivainsomnia · 10/11/2023 17:26

Could we really work PT to suit your position? Not many jobs have that level of flexibility.

On one hand you talk about working FT but then say that can only manage 1 or 2 days so I understand your OH nervousness at changing his secured job.

Original poster

time2change1 · 10/11/2023 18:58

vivainsomnia · 10/11/2023 17:26

Could we really work PT to suit your position? Not many jobs have that level of flexibility.

On one hand you talk about working FT but then say that can only manage 1 or 2 days so I understand your OH nervousness at changing his secured job.

That's really fair and I totally understand both those points - DP's work probably couldn't easily be done part time without a lot of organising, so would probably end up doing the shit jobs.

And yes, in terms of my mental health at the moment, I would totally understand his reluctance but if I could dial down the mental load of the kids and not be constantly trying to juggle work around them, I think I would definitely have more capacity to work and could work 4 paid days, which would probably work out to be 5 days work in reality, and we'd still be better off than now.

I don't want to force him out of his job, because then I am doing to him what has inadvertently happened to me. But i feel it is unfair that it seems to be up to me to make it work and then am made to feel in the wrong when I can't cope.

OP posts:

Original poster

time2change1 · 10/11/2023 18:58

For those who feel IABU, would really value feedback on how to see this differently. ATM I feel like it's such an impossible situation where someone will end up being unhappy.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 10/11/2023 19:05

What is his solution then? Because you need one and if he doesn’t like any of the ideas what does he want to do.

and how much does he spend on alcohol

Elieza · 10/11/2023 19:07

Sounds like he avoids childcare and thinks it’s fine for you to pick up the slack. No it’s not. They are half his kids so he needs to make more effort.

Could him not doing his bit be partly what’s caused your issues? Because you’re carrying all the mental load?

What can be done by the state (or your health insurance if you have any with your jobs) to help you with DC? You can’t do it all alone. It’s too much.

Slthough it seems like you ARE doing it all so what does he bring to the table, as it sounds like you might be better off without him and his demands for sex as though he’s entitled as he bought you a wedding ring…

Travis1 · 10/11/2023 19:07

Honestly what are his good points? Why are you staying with him? This is no relationship to display to your kids.

Original poster

time2change1 · 10/11/2023 19:13

Quartz2208 · 10/11/2023 19:05

What is his solution then? Because you need one and if he doesn’t like any of the ideas what does he want to do.

and how much does he spend on alcohol

I suppose he wants things to continue as they are. I'm not sure that he sees what I'm doing and probably thinks that as I only do 1-2 days of paid work a week, and the kids are in school, what's my problem?

I don't think he is spending anything on alcohol anymore, other that when he goes out on the weekend.

OP posts:

Original poster

time2change1 · 10/11/2023 19:20

Travis1 · 10/11/2023 19:07

Honestly what are his good points? Why are you staying with him? This is no relationship to display to your kids.

Honestly, I think I stay because I don't have a support network here so it feels safer to stay than try to survive on my own.

He does care a lot about me and DCs. I think a lot of the issues are because he just accepts the levels of stress that he experiences around the children as normal - it's not, he walks around the house with headphones to tune out the noise because he is so overwhelmed by it - and he doesn't accept that getting help to manage the stress is possible / would work / would help.

When the kids are not around, he is a completely different person. I have suggested that we live apart so he's not so stressed, but he doesn't want to do that either, so what am I meant to do?

OP posts:

Original poster

time2change1 · 10/11/2023 19:25

Elieza · 10/11/2023 19:07

Sounds like he avoids childcare and thinks it’s fine for you to pick up the slack. No it’s not. They are half his kids so he needs to make more effort.

Could him not doing his bit be partly what’s caused your issues? Because you’re carrying all the mental load?

What can be done by the state (or your health insurance if you have any with your jobs) to help you with DC? You can’t do it all alone. It’s too much.

Both kids are on NHS waiting lists (for completely different things) - eldest been waiting for intervention since assessment in July, and youngest yet to be seen by a consultant, has been on waiting list since April.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 10/11/2023 19:27

But a weekend spend must be quite a lot

is he aware that you don’t have much money

and I think you need to leave that level of stuff around the children is damaging

Original poster

time2change1 · 10/11/2023 19:41

Quartz2208 · 10/11/2023 19:27

But a weekend spend must be quite a lot

is he aware that you don’t have much money

and I think you need to leave that level of stuff around the children is damaging

I don't honestly know because I don't manage the finances. I'm pretty hopeless with money and he was always much better with it so it made sense for him to manage.

I agree re: impact on DCs, I do worry, but I also worry about what will happen to us if I do leave. If I am being fair, my MH also impacts them, and the only way to get the support I need (that I can see - but always open to ideas) would be to move overseas to where my network is, which would take DCs away from their father, which I don't think is fair or acceptable.

OP posts:

Gymnopedie · 10/11/2023 19:41

I have suggested that we live apart so he's not so stressed, but he doesn't want to do that either, so what am I meant to do?

There seems to be an awful lot of things he doesn't want to do. So his answer is to tell you what he wants you to do.

Beyond you magicking up a job that your MH can handle and that lets you do everything needed for the DCs, what suggestions does he have?

Original poster

time2change1 · 10/11/2023 19:46

Gymnopedie · 10/11/2023 19:41

I have suggested that we live apart so he's not so stressed, but he doesn't want to do that either, so what am I meant to do?

There seems to be an awful lot of things he doesn't want to do. So his answer is to tell you what he wants you to do.

Beyond you magicking up a job that your MH can handle and that lets you do everything needed for the DCs, what suggestions does he have?

No suggestions, the most infuriating part of this whole mess.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 10/11/2023 20:15

Unfair to who though - him? He doesn’t seem to interact or want too. He must go out a lot at the weekend and how much money do you have and spend on the children.

presumably he can’t see the need to change because he finds money for himself but not for you and can’t worry about your mental health

surely having one parent who is healthy and a support is better than what you have. Although would he want you to go.

I think you may need a ultimatum here that something changes or it is over

Quartz2208 · 10/11/2023 20:16

Amd you aren’t married - whose choice and who owns your house

Newestname002 · 10/11/2023 21:12

@time2change1

I don't honestly know because I don't manage the finances. I'm pretty hopeless with money and he was always much better with it so it made sense for him to manage.

This is concerning OP.

Do you have full transparency and access to all the income for both of you?
Do you trust him 100% not to deprive you of money?

🌹

Yetmorebeanstocount · 10/11/2023 21:16

If you don't know anything about the family finances, because he does it all, how do you know that he is not earning enough to cover all the bills? Do you just have his word for it?

How do you know how much he is spending on alcohol?

I understand that you are struggling at present, but when you feel up to it, you absolutely must get a better grip of your joint financial situation.

The other option apart from earning more is to cut costs.

Suggest to DP that you both need to sit down together to go over the family budget to see all incomings and outgoings and see where savings can be made.
If he refuses or fobs you off, start getting suspicious.

itsmyp4rty · 10/11/2023 21:27

Are either of your kids being assessed for ASD or other ND conditions?

Because this, 'he walks around the house with headphones to tune out the noise because he is so overwhelmed by it' really makes me wonder if your husband may be autistic.

I think it's important that he is able to remain in his job. He is not going to cope as a SAHD as unfortunate/unfair as that is and the kids would suffer. I don't know what the answer to the rest of it is though.

I'm also confused because you say you're only managing to work 1 or 2 days because of your MH but then say him being a SAHD and you working full time would be a solution to your problems. You seem to be grasping at straws a bit OP and not really know what you want. Or at least I can't tell from what you've written.

Bluedabadeeba · 10/11/2023 21:28

time2change1 · 10/11/2023 19:41

I don't honestly know because I don't manage the finances. I'm pretty hopeless with money and he was always much better with it so it made sense for him to manage.

Edited

Show quote history

A quick aside, who has told you that you're 'hopeless with money'??

From your post, it seems to me that you're very astute with money (retraining to be on a better wage, considering FT/PT options for you both and its financial implications etc) and that seems to be the crux of it, you can't manage on his salary alone (disregarding the drinking for a moment, that of course needs tackling too).

So if he (someone else??) has put that label about yourself into your head, I'd discard it as soon as possible as it's not helpful to your situation, confidence or self-esteem.

Lovemychair · 10/11/2023 21:44

Kindly Op, 'not being good with money' is a bit of a poor excuse, it's not so difficult to look at bank statements, add up all the direct debits and deduct from income.
You are obviously pretty savvy as a pp said .
He does care a lot about me and DCs
He doesn't though, does he ? He avoids being with the children, won't come up with any ideas to help your situation, turns to drink instead of stepping up.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread