I want to support my family but DP wont let me

[time2change1]

Background:
I've been with my partner for about 15 yrs. We have 2 DCs, 10 and 4yo. When we got together I was a trainee and he helped me out financially. Since qualifying I've had a good wage around £35-40k.

After having 1st DC, DP lost his job and (because he didn't really like it anyway) I suggested he go to college and train in a trade. He did and we lived without his wage for 2ish years, which was fine as I could increase my hours and earn enough to cover us, and his training had the potential to increase his income from £25k to £35k+.

Circumstances leading to present situation:
DP really struggled since 2nd DC and was using alcohol to numb the stress. Our relationship took a nosedive and recently I said if he didn't stop drinking we were done because he was becoming emotionally abusive. He has stopped drinking at home.

During the pandemic I burnt out and was out of work for awhile. After the pandemic our eldest DC struggled massively with mental health - OCD / anxiety etc, and stopped going to school, so I left my job, became self-employed, and DCs carer.

Current situation:
DP loves his work but doesn't earn enough to cover all the bills (earns about £29k). He doesn't want to leave because he likes the workplace, even though he could earn more elsewhere. I understand this so have been trying to make things work.

Since burning out during the pandemic my mental health has been pretty low and I've only been managing to work 1-2 days a week. I also started training in a different role that would offer more flexibility and be less demanding. But I've missed too many days with the kids being ill / off school so have dropped the training and cutting back on work.

DP is livid because we can't survive without my income but despite knowing the circumstances he hasn't made any attempt to try and resolve it. For example:

• When asked if he would be willing to be a SAHD so i could work full-time (which would more than cover our expenses), he refused
• When I asked him to reduce his hours or work part-time to be able to drop off and collect the kids - nope!
• When I suggested that we move to where my family live (overseas) as parents are retired and could care for kids while we both worked - again no!
• I even said we could both work part-time so that we could each do either mornings or afternoons with the kids, and that wasn't okay either...

In terms of childcare, it's really hard to find something suitable due to needs of eldest DC.

DP will care for the kids when needed - but doesn't volunteer to because he finds them stressful and most of the time avoids being in the same room as them. He does quite a bit of the household chores and sorts the finances.

I feel like I am bending every which way and am just waiting to breakdown again. I'm being expected to be on call for the kids (and mostly responsible for them as DP is usually away from the house for about 12 hours every work day and 6 hours on Sat), plus retrain / build a business around the family's needs as my previous career is too full-on to try fitting it around other demands, and all while not forgetting my wifely bedroom duties, as that's the only thing he "needs" and "asks for from me".

Am I being unreasonable?

Thank you @Quartz2208 I appreciate all you've said. He goes out for about 6 hours on a Sat leaves just after lunch, back by kids bedtime. He does do bedtimes and does interact with the kids - he's better in the summer when he does stuff outside with them; they enjoy doing rough and tumble, swimming and bike rides and such. Bedtimes were supposed to be taking in turns but he is coming home later (winter traffic?) and then littlest kept getting sick so I took over.

Both names on the mortgage.

Yes, I insisted on joint accounts after the ultimatum about the alcohol use and not drinking at home being the condition of him living with us. But we both have separate personal accounts so don't know about that account.

But thank you for highlighting this vulnerability @Newestname002 , I appreciate it.

I voted YABU and as you asked for feedback my reasoning was this.

He is working by your own admission 12 hour days. You burnt out doing your job previously and admit to mental health issues. These would suggest that he is worried you will again and he would be without work and a good income if this did happen. Further expecting a man (or indeed woman) to give up work or go part time (if even possible in a trade) can make you feel like you are losing your identity and bad for their mental health. Having your own issues in that regard I assume you don't wish that on anyone.

You say you are useless with money so potentially he is taking om the mental stress of worrying about finances especially if he is forced to a PT or SAHD dad role and you burn out again.

If you believe you can work full time sort out wrap around care and see how it goes. If you find you are coping well readdress whether you both need to work those hours or whether one (he) can drop some hours. He may feel more comfortable doing so once he sees you coping again.

Yes, have been suspecting ASD for DP and eldest DC. Had assessment for DC, but didn't meet criteria - sociable, makes friends easily, but tends towards the quirky kids and finds certain types of humour difficult to understand, but isn't literal in understanding of language - she gets that sayings aren't meant to be understood literally. Does have some dyspraxic / executive dysfunction so was considering NVLD but no idea how to get that assessed here? Much more known in the US about it.

Littlest is health stuff, not developmental. Needs seeing by ENT - apparently waiting lists are huge...

I think it's important that he is able to remain in his job. He is not going to cope as a SAHD as unfortunate/unfair as that is and the kids would suffer. I don't know what the answer to the rest of it is though.

I'm also confused because you say you're only managing to work 1 or 2 days because of your MH but then say him being a SAHD and you working full time would be a solution to your problems. You seem to be grasping at straws a bit OP and not really know what you want. Or at least I can't tell from what you've written.

I completely agree with you. I don't think it's as easy as him leaving his job and me working full-time. I was hoping I was missing something, that a magical mumsnet solution would appear.

I find it hard to talk to him because I get emotional (I really can't help it) and he gets angry (which triggers me due to childhood stuff), so I thought posting on here might give me some more clarity on the situation.

Thank you for your input @itsmyp4rty

This.

As someone who was previously married to a partner with MH issues that impacted his ability to work there would be NO way I'd have given up FT employment. The sheer stress from being responsible for everyone because I couldn't rely on H was the worst thing I've ever been through. Even thinking about it now is making my chest tighten - and I was in a FT job the whole time. Giving that up to rely on him would have finished me off.

I would never have agreed to anything that would jeopardise having a FT wage coming in - and whilst I didn't blame him, I also knew I couldn't depend on him.

Your solutions require him to depend more on you for contributing enough to the household income, but nothing is currently suggesting this is a good idea. You aren't showing you CAN do this, they're just ideas - and experience trumps that.

Moving COUNTRIES is not a solution here. It comes with far more stressors than it solves.

My suggestion would be to go back full time, use part of your income to pay for wraparound care, and see if you can actually cope. In your DHs shoes I'd need this proof before I'd risk any of your ideas.

And it is a risk. Him giving up a FT job for PT or SAHD because you think you might cope is a really bad idea. Get the full time job, use it to pay for support, and then review.

I understand where you are coming from @Lovemychair , I'm not trying to avoid responsibility, I just recognised that it was a weakness for me due to my specific learning difficulty (dyscalculia) and so it made sense for DP, who is very structured, routined and good with maths and finances to take that role on.

So yes, in response to your question @Bluedabadeeba , i labelled myself. I really am hopeless with most things numerical. I struggle to do mental maths, can't add, subtract, multiply or divide even basic things without a calculator. My estimation is shocking. I find it really difficult to work out timings for things so am often late or really early. It's really annoying and something I have really tried to work on.

Just to clarify, DP is no longer using alcohol to manage stress. He does drink socially when he goes out, but not at home.

This. It’s convenient that he has no suggestion of his own and rubbishes yours

To me he is coming across as lazy avoidant. It’s super convenient that he gets home so late that you need to care for children in evening

Thank you @Spirallingdownwards , I appreciate what you've said and don't disagree with you. I don't think it's as simple as DP giving up his stable job (or trying to make PT work in a trade). And as I said previously, having to reduce my hours and then give up work when DCs needs escalated, I know exactly how much it strips you of your identity and impacts your mental health - so no, as you said, I wouldn't wish it on another person, especially one that I love and care about.

He is working by your own admission 12 hour days.
He works 40 hours, but is out the house for longer because he does sports after work as we thought it would help with his stress and overwhelm when around the kids.

You burnt out doing your job previously and admit to mental health issues. These would suggest that he is worried you will again and he would be without work and a good income if this did happen.
Absolutely, I completely understand and agree that this is a risk and definitely something that must be considered. But at the moment, I am not coping, I can't continue with the status quo, DPs response has been to get angry and say we can't live without my wage, which is true, I am currently bringing in the same income he does working 1-2 days self-employed, but keep having to cancel work and have missed deadlines, which has significant consequences, due to trying to manage the needs of the kids on my own and doing work around them. This is exactly the reason why I gave up my employed work because I was letting work down and it was really impacting my confidence and mental health.

If you believe you can work full time sort out wrap around care and see how it goes.
This would be great but I don't know any childcare that would fit around the needs of my kids. Littlest is often ill which makes him vomit and I assume no childminder will have him then for 48 hours. Oldest has panic attacks and huge separation anxiety issues and very OCD about being around people who are sick, so in a mixed group of children, often with littlies with snotty noses, coughs etc, she would really struggle with that. Don't know what the solution is here...

Thank you @Azandme , really appreciate you sharing your experience of being on the other side. I completely understand and don't disagree with what you've said. It absolutely is a risk and I can see that.

Equally I don't think DP giving up his FT job is the solution - I know he can't cope with the responsibilities of being a SAHD, so him being in work is a good thing.

I do think that adjusting his work hours so that he drops off kids in the morning, and then we just rely on after school support (it's a safe space for both kids, they know and are comfortable with the staff and so are not in a new environment with a childminder) until I pick them up would work

BUT... with youngest being ill frequently and then it usually resulting in him vomiting, and needing to be off school for 48 hours - this typically falls on me to resolve, and often impacts my work, and having the expectation that I still bring in the same income as DP brings in, while also sorting out all the childcare feels unfair and impossible at the moment...

I am afraid I don't understand your maths around income. You say he earns £29k and that yiu could earn £35k to £40k or is that your pay for 2 days only?

@Spirallingdownwards yep DP earns £29k, but if he moved workplaces has the potential to earn £35k+.

He takes home £1850, and on the 1-2 days that I work, I put in £1860 so the same essentially.

If i was employed part-time, working 3-4 days per week, I could earn £35-45k gross, which wouldn't be enough, but if DP also worked part time to cover all the bits that I do now, it would work - but unlikely that DPs work can be done PT.

If I increased self-employed to 4 days I could easily bring in our joint income now.

Sorry, it's a bit confusing!

See , you can do maths

Just to point out - the DP "works" 12 hour days - no, he works 8 hours days in a normal full time role, but stretches his time out of the house by an extra 4 hours a day.

Thank you all for your input. DP and I spoke last night and acknowledged that things are pretty shit at the moment. Still no movement forward, but the gate is open for further discussion.

I'm going to start a new thread to get some more clarity as this one no longer reflects where we are. Thanks so much for all how gave feedback, it was really appreciated 🙏🏻

This. I am not sure why you haven't had assessments done if you are really trying to help your DCs.

You’ll be happy once you leave the useless, selfish, lazy bag of shit. He’ll be unhappy, but really, who cares? Does he do one thing to make you happy?

You were absolutely right. I do feel happy now 😊 and I can now see how unhealthy (abusive - emotionally - at times) this relationship was and the impact it was having on kiddos.

Gosh op this thread jumped quite a bit! So you are separated? How is your MH now?

Yes we are and a lot happier for it! My mental health is considerably better since ex has been forced to take kids - currently 50/50 during the summer hols - I feel like a new woman!!!

It had become so toxic because he wouldn't accept or acknowledge the impact he was having on my mental health and the knock-on effect on the children... Something had to give, and it did 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m really delighted for you @time2change1 - I like a happy ending!

Ha! Bet he’s sorry now 😆

and all while not forgetting my wifely bedroom duties, as that's the only thing he "needs" and "asks for from me

Right. Well he's not meeting your needs though is he?
Why does his "need" for sex trump your need for support? He "asks" (sounds like "demands") for only one thing from you so you give him what he wants, but he won't do the one thing you really need of him (parenting).

Parenting responsibility isn't the only unequal thing in this relationship.

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Edit: oops just saw its an old thread updated. GREAT update, op!

he doesn’t love the kids a lot if he’s acting like this. If he loved them he would take ownership of this issue and come up with a solution himself.

Gently, most people manage to work full time and have kids. Single mums do it all by themselves. Change the narrative in your head. You can cope. You have to. Once you’ve built your confidence back up in yourself then you’ll realise it’s probably easy to do it all without him.