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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not ring my dad when on holiday?

35 replies

ohbardley · 10/11/2023 14:18

I go away on Sunday for a week to Tenerife.
I can't wait for a break.
I'm 38 and my dad is 80 but fit as a fiddle,does everything his self ,goes out with friends 3x a week etc -basically he isn't at a point where he needs any care.
I'm an anxious worrier and last year my holiday was ruined by ringing him every day twice a day to see if he was okay.
If he didn't answer first time I panicked
Then I would spend all day worrying he wouldn't answer next time I called.
He gets mad at me and tells me not to bother.

I've said ok il ring you once when we land (going with partner ) then il ring you when I'm home.
Aibu not ringing every day?
I really want my mind to be at peace and just have fun without worry /anxiety

OP posts:
TorroFerney · 10/11/2023 14:21

You know it’s not what you want, he doesn’t want you to - whose permission do you want! You ringing won’t stop anything terrible happening will it. Need to work on the root cause of the worry, is this the only area of life you are anxious in, I’d doubt it so perhaps work on that, hopefully result will be that you don’t feel the need to ring.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 10/11/2023 14:26

This is strange - he doesn’t want u to call, u don’t want to call, so why are u even considering it?

Namechangeforthis88 · 10/11/2023 14:29

My parents are late 70s, it has never entered my head to ring them while we're away full stop, never mind every day or a couple of times a day. This is completely unnecessary and driven by anxiety. Do you just need people to tell you to stop?

PurpleChrayne · 10/11/2023 14:32

Why would you make such a problem for yourself? He doesn't want you to call; you don't want to call. So don't!

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/11/2023 14:33

Anxious checking is a symptom. Managing your symptoms isn't something you can just expect to happen. You have to understand why you're doing it, understand that's it's a health issue, understand the causes, work on strategies.

Are you getting any help?

BrimfulOfMash · 10/11/2023 14:34

Why do you need to call when you land? If he doesn’t see any mention of a plane crash on the news he won’t be worrying whether a grown adult has managed to get herself on holiday on a routine well trod journey.

You must have driven him mad, calling twice a day and all that worrying.

Just stop it.

Rachie1973 · 10/11/2023 14:46

Your poor dad! You’re probably driving him mad if he’s busy doing things!

Original poster
ohbardley · 10/11/2023 15:00

I know I'm stupid and I've been this way since I lost my mum and sister.
They passed away when I was 14 and ever since then my anxiety of illness and death is terrible.
I've had so many different therapies but nothing helps.
I'm just terrified of bad things happening again
I'm always prepared for the next bad thing

OP posts:
SallyWD · 10/11/2023 15:03

So lovely to read of such a caring daughter. I think you're asking because you're anxious about not calling him. Can you text a couple of times instead just to know he's fine?

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/11/2023 15:05

It's not stupidity, it's an illness. Unfortunately in the short term the treatment makes you feel worse.

How often do you call normally?

Original poster
ohbardley · 10/11/2023 15:07

Unfortunately my dad doesn't know how to text so it's ringing or nothing

OP posts:
Original poster
ohbardley · 10/11/2023 15:07

@MrsTerryPratchett I ring him twice a day
I ring at 9am and 5pm

OP posts:
Thisweeksname · 10/11/2023 15:12

I have a similarly anxiety with checking on a family member, I also lost a parent quite young which was closely followed by another sudden family death so I am also trapped in this cycle of anxiety. Whilst on holiday, I would try to limit yourself to one call. And try and distract yourself with nice activities etc. I know it’s hard, I am the same and I would love to know how I can stop panicking.

Original poster
ohbardley · 10/11/2023 15:16

@Thisweeksname it's so horrible isn't it
I really don't want to annoy my dad but just overwhelmed with anxiety of checking on him
I feel like if I ring him and if somethings wrong I can help

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 10/11/2023 15:16

Rather than starting on holiday, which is really difficult. Could you reduce to once a day, even once a day every two days, normally? It will feel horrible, it will be difficult, you will spiral. But without changing your behaviour, nothing can change.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 10/11/2023 15:17

Can't you put WhatsApp on his phone and do a voice note. You will be able to see if he's read it at least or he could give you a thumbs up.

You say he doesn't know how to text. Nobody knows how to do anything until they're shown and if he gets himself out and about and is socially active, surely he can comprehend this.

Age doesn't mean no tech. My mum is 77 and uses it all.

He just needs to be open to learning it

iolaus · 10/11/2023 15:19

BrimfulOfMash · 10/11/2023 14:34

Why do you need to call when you land? If he doesn’t see any mention of a plane crash on the news he won’t be worrying whether a grown adult has managed to get herself on holiday on a routine well trod journey.

You must have driven him mad, calling twice a day and all that worrying.

Just stop it.

Edited

It does depend on the person (and in the OPs case it sounds like it is more her than her dad).

I message my mother to say we have landed (and she does the same - and I suspect my brother does it to her as well) - but it's been since her uncle died in a plane crash - despite it being on the news that the plane had crashed, it still took 2 weeks to confirm his death. If it reassures her then I'm happy to do that.
She gets a text to say we are here safe, she text back to say have a great time. I then text when we are back in the UK.
Shes currently in Spain, she text me to say arrived safely, I text her to have fun. I expect to get another text when shes home

Dogsitterwoes · 10/11/2023 15:25

So you normally ring twice a day? Is he okay with that?

I've been on the receiving end of this (anxious parent) but not as extreme as this, and it drove me nuts. I found that the more I pandered to it, the worse their anxiety got.

No-one wants to be checked up on all the time. You can't help having anxiety but it's not okay for it to impact on other people. Have you been to your GP for medication or CBT? It must be miserable living like this and a lot can be done to help.

AtomicPumpkin · 10/11/2023 15:25

If an emergency arises with your dad, presumably someone would let you know? It does not sound as if he is isolated or lacking a support system.

Original poster
ohbardley · 10/11/2023 15:26

The only family left is me and my dad now.
Obviously he has friends but it's just me
I feel like a lot of pressure on me

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 10/11/2023 15:33

You're putting that pressure on yourself.

Hbh17 · 10/11/2023 15:36

You really don't need to ring him twice a day. Most people would consider once a week sufficient. Maybe you could start to taper down to a more "normal" level.

Musicaltheatremum · 10/11/2023 15:58

My dad is 91. I phone him twice a week. He's fine with that. My fil is 96 and it's as needed. Twice a day is a lot.

daylightplease · 10/11/2023 16:04

Did you post about this last year OP?
It sounds familiar.

This is an anxiety issue for you to seek help with and manage. It sounds very frustrating for your dad but the only person who can this is yourself. You may need outside professional help to do so.

MermaidEyes · 10/11/2023 16:07

To put this kindly, even if something does happen to him while you're on holiday, someone will ring you to let you know. I know this from experience unfortunately. So leave your dad in peace, no news is good news.

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