To not ring my dad when on holiday?

[ohbardley]

I go away on Sunday for a week to Tenerife.
I can't wait for a break.
I'm 38 and my dad is 80 but fit as a fiddle,does everything his self ,goes out with friends 3x a week etc -basically he isn't at a point where he needs any care.
I'm an anxious worrier and last year my holiday was ruined by ringing him every day twice a day to see if he was okay.
If he didn't answer first time I panicked
Then I would spend all day worrying he wouldn't answer next time I called.
He gets mad at me and tells me not to bother.

I've said ok il ring you once when we land (going with partner ) then il ring you when I'm home.
Aibu not ringing every day?
I really want my mind to be at peace and just have fun without worry /anxiety

OP it sounds terribly unfair on your Dad..he now has this huge pressure to respond immediately so you won't worry or panic. Essentially you are making him worry about your worrying thereby adding a whole unnecessary layer of stress to his life. Just tell him you will not be phoning and schedule a call where he rings you at a set time halfway through the week. And you'll call again when you get home. Make sure he has any number he needs and anyone else in his life has your number in case of emergency. Enjoy your holiday! I'm sorry about your Mum and sister.

"AIBU to not obsessively ring someone twice a day when they don't want or need me to ring them, and are sick of being guilt-tripped by me for not immediately picking up the phone, and have actively told me not to keep phoning them, and also all the phone calls ruined my holiday?"

How could you POSSIBLY think it might be 'unreasonable' to stop doing something that everyone involved clearly hates?!

The only unreasonable thing here is that you've basically been harassing your own father all this time. He's a fit and capable adult and you must be driving him absolutely insane. He doesn't need or want you ringing him. You've just been ringing him to alleviate your own anxieties, which is selfish. You've been letting your mental health problems take over his life as well as your own. It's making you miserable, too - are seeking/having treatment for your anxiety? It's clearly at the point where it's debilitating for you and has started to affect the lives of the people around you as well.

But you say yourself that he's fit and well and doesn't need care of any kind, so you are not under any pressure to check up on him. There's nothing wrong with him. Just because he's 80, that doesn't mean he isn't a fully functioning and lively adult who is more than capable of looking after himself. If you were in a position of having to look after him, that would be pressure. But he doesn't need looking after. He's not a toddler.

The only pressure here is the pressure you've put on yourself, generated by your anxiety disorder (for that is what it is).

I'm sure I read this before too.

I do feel sorry for the Dad, having to be in to answer phones to reassure his over-anxious daughter. OP in the gentlest way possible, you need to get your head around the fact that your dad will die one day in the not so distant future as he is 80. It happens to us all. Yes it's awful and yes you'll be sad - we lost our dad earlier this year and it was very difficult. But I really think you need some professional help coming to terms with this as it is inevitable.

Can you teach him how to WhatsApp or text? I taught my 91 year old grandad how to send a voice message on WhatsApp, as he couldn't work out texting, but could send/listen to voice messages. Sit with him, and show him, then get him to practice. It's not too hard, I promise.

Does he carry his mobile on him in case he falls and can’t get up?

@SoftandQuiet no he doesn't ,he's not unsteady on his feet or anything ,he can walk quicker than me 🙈

@HollaHolla with my dad it's not even that he can't learn it's that he won't
He has a ridiculously old phone (not even a smart phone )

Just make sure his friends have contact details for you and perhaps the hotel phone number so if anything happens you can be contacted.

Im so sorry that you’ve lost your mum and sister OP. That must be really tough.

I’m going abroad soon.
My mum is 98.
I never phone her when I’m abroad or away in UK. She can’t use a mobile so it’s landline only.
She is happy with this arrangement and isn’t clingy, has all her marbles, is ambulant and can still cook and clean.

If something happened to her, what could I do? It might take me a couple of days to get back from abroad.

If it helps, as others suggest, call your dad to impart safe arrival and then enjoy your holiday. Call him again when you get home. Go on, try it!

Meanwhile, maybe some therapy might help your anxiety?