To ask what to do about friend situation

[sandrapinchedmysandwich]

I used to work in an office. All mixed ages and most of us got on well. One lady, Nicola (not real name) had a slightly different role to most of us with different priorities and she could be rude and abrasive with people at times when discussing working practices which put noses out of joint a few times.

I got to know this lady outside of work and realised that work Nicola and home Nicola are very different people and actually she is a genuinely lovely lady. We have become good friends.

There is a reunion of old staff happening early December organised by a lady who went to work elsewhere 2 years ago. There is a WhatsApp group and many but not all ex staff have been invited. I dont feel I can invite Nicola as there are a few people going whom she was rude to and wont want her there. I know photos will be on social media and that Nicola will see them and will feel hurt.

I really don't want to hurt Nicola. But equally so I am good friends with many of the others and would love to catch up with them.

How should I deal with this? I was thinking of mentioning it in conversation quite matter of factly before I go so she isn't taken aback by social media photos. Or is there a better way?

Any advice would be most welcome... tia

I wouldn’t mention it.

Try and stay out of pictures.

If she asks you why you didn’t tell her just said you’ve been really busy and hadn’t checked who’s going and who’s not going.

How bad was she? I don’t think just because she was a bit abrupt with people that she shouldn’t be invited to a reunion. As you said yourself, she’s lovely outside of work.

I know people who I’d don’t enjoy working with who are actually really good fun when out for an evening. I wouldn’t not invite them just because they’re a bit annoying or abrupt at work.

I would probably just go ahead an invite Nicola. Everyone is an adult and surely can manage to navigate one night out with an ex work colleague that they didn’t get along with. It may be that Nicola would decide not to go. Just be a transparent as possible, you aren’t responsible for other people so let them get on with it.

OP hasn’t organised the do, she might annoy the organiser by inviting others.

Honestly? She was pretty bad. Complaints were made at different times by different people.

Could you message the organiser and ask to invite her?

Terrible advice!
Op you are not the organiser so don't go inviting people! I would stay well out of it. She isn't liked so she should not expect to be there. She probably knows she isn't like too and may not want to come. If you didn't get to know her outside of work, would you want her there? There's your answer.

That's it. I am not the organiser. I don't want to put the organiser on the spot because I don't think she would want to invite her and would feel awkward

Cross posts, maybe not!

Surely Nicola isn't unaware of her work actions?

If she did a different role, would she expect to join you?

Is a case of anyone is welcome or has one person specifically organised. If it's not stepping on toes I'd invite her otherwise I'd probably ask if she's been invited and when she says no tell her who's organising and leave her to ask if she chooses.

Nicola is quite black and white. She has a job to do and she gets it done is her mindset. She doesn't think before she speaks but is very sorry if she knows she has hurt someone. I think people can be quite wary of her really.

The jobs were all working towards the same purpose but with a different lense. Imagine building a house and there being an electrician and plumber. Nicola was the electrician and we were plumbers

One person has specifically organised.

Surely if they didn't like her and complained about her, she wouldn't have been completely unaware.

And so she would not expect to be invited.

I would mention in passing (right before the event) that you were going out for a couple of drinks with the organizer.

And leave it at that.

You shouldn't have to lie, or avoid photos, or cover your tracks. But you definitely should not invite her either.

Yeah this is good.

I don't really know if she is aware of the complaints. One of the reasons I left was because management were so ineffectual. We don't talk about that job when we meet

But this is kind of along the lines of what I was thinking

How friendly are you with Nicola? Are you likely to see her before the event? Could you go and then mention it to Nicola afterwards and say that the organiser was missing phone numbers for some people, including Nicola's, so unfortunately not added to the WA group, but you didn't find this out until the night.

I won't be seeing Nicola before the event though we do chat. I feel like even that little white lie would be found out. I think I will mention it is happening in a general way without getting into the ins and outs of it. She isn't the only one not invited and I hope that will be obvious if photos do make it onto social media which should soften the blow too

Have you asked her why she was so horrible at work?

Don't make up some lie about someone not having her number.

This is an awkward situation and she may well be hurt.

You can choose not to go, to mention it before hand or never to mention it at all.

If you have never talked about work relationships before, it may be difficult to bring it up now.

It's really awkward when you find yourself in these situations.

I used to work for two people who constantly disagreed with each other and I found myself being told by one of them to do it this way, and being told by the other one to do it that way. It was madness.

I had been friends with number one boss before I took the job, so he thought my loyalties should lie with him, but actually I thought number two boss was right more often than not, so there was a lot of juggling to keep completely impartial. It didn't help that I really got on well with the wife of number two boss (still good friends to this day) so would see them socially, as well as still seeing number one boss socially too, as he was my friend before I took the job.

I sympathise 🫣

If your not seeing her before you could go then mention after you assumed she was invited. (So feign ignorance) Or mention a day or two before- "by the way are you going to the meet up"? Then she knows you are going.

I would get ahead of the curve. “Nicola, Just to let you know I’ve been invited to the work’s night out, not sure if you knew? Obviously I don’t want to hurt your feelings . Xxxx organised it and I feel terrible going if you aren’t.”

Put the blame on the organiser- this isn’t your fault and you didn’t cause it. This will put you on her good side m. Not sure how the organiser will feel though.

If there hasn't been a general open invitation to everyone who worked there during a given time frame I wouldn't consider this a reunion. Only certain people have been invited so it's more a case of a few ex-colleagues meeting for a catch-up.

I agree that to be left out of a reunion would be hurtful so don't call it that. If it comes up just say that X invited you and and a few others out for drinks and leave it at that . Presumably she isn't on such good terms with X that she could reasonably expect X to invite her out for the evening.

We have one old project team that meets every year or so, there are always a bunch of people missing who get added, it doesn't mean they weren't liked and there is a risk you are just massively over-thinking this and excluding her yourself. I would be ashamed of my (old or current) team if they left someone out for trivial "got a bit snippy" type of reasons, but I can't see that happening. Catch-ups aren't work, everyone is a bit different outside work and excluding others is unpleasant. Ask the organiser if you can invite her, they may just not have her number.

Hang on - the organiser might not want her or his bully at their event. There is no blame here, the event isn't a mistake they are making. They are perfectly entitled to ask old work colleagues to an event they are hosting, and to decide which old employees they want to host.

It isn't a 'works night out' at all.