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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

TW- abortion

32 replies

Peachyscream · 09/11/2023 18:45

I know this isn’t the right place to write this but I’m posting here for traffic.
i am booked in for a surgical abortion tomorrow morning. I don’t know what to do with the “remains”
I think it’s heartless to have it disposed of in the hospital…I quite like the idea of burying it at home with a tree or rose bush to mark it. I am 9 weeks (not my choice to leave it this long, due to my medical issues I wasn’t allowed to get a pill through bpas and it delayed the process)
My husband thinks it will cause emotional trauma for me to do this, and I’ll be unable to move on if I do.
Advice please?

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 09/11/2023 18:46

Are you allowed to bury in your own garden? I thought it had to be professionally aranged at a cemetery if it wasn't done via the hospital cremating.

RunningFromInsanity · 09/11/2023 18:47

Cremate and scatter?

Original poster
Peachyscream · 09/11/2023 18:47

We own the house, nurse said it’s allowed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peachyscream · 09/11/2023 18:48

I don’t like the thought of cremation as it’s not a part of my religion.

OP posts:
HaveNoIdeaForAName · 09/11/2023 18:48

I was allowed to take the remains home after my miscarriage.

Dillane · 09/11/2023 18:49

Do you want an abortion OP?

Original poster
Peachyscream · 09/11/2023 18:52

@Dillane
i never thought I’d be in this position… but with my health I know I couldn’t manage if I carried on with the pregnancy. I do feel guilty about it.

OP posts:
overwhelmed2023 · 09/11/2023 18:52

I had to have a termination as there was no foetal heart beat. I asked for the remains and we had a ceremony in the crematorium, but obviously you could equally have that at church - what is your religion ?

Original poster
Peachyscream · 09/11/2023 18:55

I am Muslim. We don’t cremate.

OP posts:
overwhelmed2023 · 09/11/2023 18:58

Well if it's legal of course you can though personally I wouldn't choose to. What would be your usual burial ceremony can you follow that?

TrishIsMySpiritAnimal · 09/11/2023 19:00

Oh OP you poor thing!

Speak to the hospital - they dealt with it brilliantly and sensitively with my friend.

Take care - we support you!

Fedupmumofadultsons · 09/11/2023 19:02

Do you actually want an abortion. You don't want to cremate because of religion. But abortion will probably be against your religion as well .not judgement but seems strange to worry more on the cremation part .

Friendfoe1 · 09/11/2023 19:03

I had an ectopic, the hospital created the remains and they were scattered at the children/baby area at the local crematorium.

minipie · 09/11/2023 19:04

Fedupmumofadultsons · 09/11/2023 19:02

Do you actually want an abortion. You don't want to cremate because of religion. But abortion will probably be against your religion as well .not judgement but seems strange to worry more on the cremation part .

Did you miss the bit where she says she can’t continue the pregnancy for health reasons?

Hankunamatata · 09/11/2023 19:12

If you check with hospital some will Bury instead of cremate. If you didn't want to bring home. Perhaps you could plant a tree or rosebush as a remembrance

Original poster
Peachyscream · 09/11/2023 19:42

Abortion is against my religion unless the mothers life will be in danger. Yes, I am bending the rules but it’s not a black or white situation. I feel awful about it already. I just want to find the best solution for me.
thank you for the supportive posts. X

OP posts:
Universalsnail · 09/11/2023 19:49

I think considering you have negative feelings associated with having the abortion but are doing it for health reasons, you are uncomfortable with the hospital disposing of them and because the hospital will let you take them home then I would bury them deep in the garden and maybe hold a little ceremony for yourself.

I had a surgical abortion I was very cut up about and something like that would have helped me I think.

Throckmorton · 09/11/2023 19:54

I'm sorry you are in this position. If you bury in the garden, would you then be setting yourself up for distress if you ever moved house? Can you bury in a cemetery and have a comemorative rose bush in a planter at home?

Original poster
Peachyscream · 09/11/2023 19:55

@Universalsnail
its exactly that. You’ve articulated it better than I have in my muddled brain.
It’s not strange is it? My husband thinks that will be detrimental to my mental health. I feel like I deserve to give the baby a place… like it’s respectful for the baby, it’s still my child. Yes I have emotions about it but haven’t let myself get too attached.

OP posts:
CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 09/11/2023 19:59

If you buried them, how would you feel if you moved house? That would be my one point to consider there.

berryice · 09/11/2023 20:21

Sending you love and thoughts OP x

Original poster
Peachyscream · 09/11/2023 20:26

@CrispsandCheeseSandwich yes that thought is bothering me. I’m considering a planter?

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 09/11/2023 20:29

It's no one else's business what you are choosing to do or why, not sure why they have to start questioning your motives. However, they've asked you've answered, don't beat yourself up.

Dunnoburt · 09/11/2023 20:34

I buried my stillborn DS and never regretted it. I suspect if I hadn't then I'd have many regrets. Do whatever you need to. Thoughts with you x

Maryamlouise · 09/11/2023 20:36

I miscarried at about the same stage and we buried the remains and we both found it helpful