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Original poster

To regret getting a divorce

32 replies

Anawana · 09/11/2023 15:36

My ex husband (38M) and I (30F) were together for 10 years.

We started off long distance so I couldn't gauge the scope of the problem initially, but sex and intimacy was always problematic.

We moved in after we got married and lived together for 6 years. During this time we had sex twice a year. Intimacy outside of the bedroom was not there either as he was very touch averse.

I eventually had to give him an ultimatum. He finally got a testosterone test done and found out his levels were normal. I then found him a therapist and us a couple's therapist. They suspected neurodivergency for him. He eventually told me that we might be better off going our separate ways. He also told me that he changed his mind about wanting kids. I always wanted them so we had a divorce earlier in the year.

Life hasn't been a walk in the park since. I've been through a lot and I'm still quite depressed. I attempted to date but soon realised that there are many dodgy men about. My ex has decided to go no contact with me and moved on. I hear he's quite happy now.

I started to regret my decision of getting a divorce now. I feel like we had everything else going for us: same values, sense of humour, life outlook, goals etc. Did I mess up? I was feeling quite low after years of intimacy rejection, but not sure if I'm better off now...

OP posts:
Aydahayda · 09/11/2023 15:40

You were unhappy and he didn’t want to be married to you so the divorce was the right decision. I was 32 when I met DH and went through an absolute roster of terrible men. It is possible to find someone who loves and fancies you and who you share the same goals, outlook, etc with
also - you didn’t have the same goals. You want children and a relationship with intimacy, sexual and otherwise. He didn’t.

Aydahayda · 09/11/2023 15:41

*Absolute roster before DH

Catza · 09/11/2023 15:46

Your life isn't over though. 30 is young and it sounds like there is no way to go back to the relationship anyway. It's best to find ways to let go. Therapy, perhaps?
Often when relationships break down, you grieve for what could have been rather than miss the actual person or situation. It's normal part of the process and it will pass.

pointythings · 09/11/2023 15:47

Your divorce wasn't long ago. You're still grieving for the life you thought you were going to have and that is completely normal. Take a little break from dating, learn to love yourself and enjoy single life. There are plenty of good men around, you are still young and you will find someone. You just need a little more time to heal and find your own happiness first.

FartSock5000 · 09/11/2023 15:50

@Anawana you miss what was comfortable. You probably don't actually miss him.

You deserve a happy, sexual relationship and children. But you have to put yourself out there to meet new people.

Why don't you try online dating using sites like E-Harmony which are less about hookups and more about trying to find a partner?

Invest in yourself. Start a new hobby or interest, get a new look and start going out once a month to be social.

It is so easy to hide away in your safe bubble at home but if you do that you aren't making yourself available to find love nor are you making room in your life for love to enter.

Don't look back. There is someone out there who will be right for you. Keep trying, you've got time.

QWERTYoutside · 09/11/2023 15:52

Why ? You wanted different things. Look to the future, the worst place to live is the past.

Poppy128xx · 09/11/2023 15:57

Maybe he is happier now as he's with a man 😅

Trust me, a sexless relationship with no intimacy, is not a relationship but a friendship. Remember that.

GrumpNoDog · 09/11/2023 15:59

I had a divorce at 30. Issues that were small and annoying when we were 22 became massive in later years and we were unhappy. I was unhappy. Years later I have met someone new and I am happy.

Do I have regrets? Yes. Do I feel shame about having a big white wedding and divorcing shortly after? Yes. Did exH and I have lots of great times together? Yes.

Unfortunately your brain tricks you and over time you forget the worst of it. You forget how sad and unhappy you were. It's human to second guess your choices but they are in the past. You need to move on. It doesn't even matter if it was a mistake (which it likely wasn't). The only way is forward.

30 is young and there are lots of good men out there. The best thing for me was to go out and date, have some fun, get it out of my system and then when my self esteem bounced back I met my current partner who is absolutely wonderful. Funny how we have to like ourselves so we can attract the right people. Desperation only attracts losers.

RedCoffeeCup · 09/11/2023 16:00

These are two big reasons to split up OP (lack of intimacy and him not wanting kids). Even if everything else was great I think you've done the right thing.

MrsPinkL · 09/11/2023 16:04

You might regret it but your ex has moved on, which I think is probably the reason your thinking you regret it. Ultimately you wanted different things and you are just 30 so life is far from over.

What have you done to help yourself out of this depression?
Is dating really right for you at this moment? Would it not be better to get yourself well and in a good head space first as dating especially on line dating can be rough.
What do you get up to socially? Sitting at home hidden away isn’t going to do you any favours

beeswaxinc · 09/11/2023 16:04

I met my soulmate when I was 19. But 10 years, 3 children, busy lives and medication that my DP will remain on for another couple of years, has meant our sex life has gone down drastically.

I'm talking twice a month, not twice year, plus lots of cuddles and kisses through the day. As much as I love my partner, if our relationship at my age (just turned 30) became sexless, I would genuinely worry if I could truly face my entire existence on this earth without ever having sex and enjoying that intimacy again.

I truly think you can rest assured knowing you have made the right decision. Not everyone agrees I know, but with romantic love, I think physical intimacy (not just sex) is crucial, at the very least for a large proportion of the relationship.

WeighDownOnMe · 09/11/2023 16:06

You don't share life goals if only one of you wants children though.

travelnorth · 09/11/2023 16:08

Sex at 30 is the best. Do not look back. Sounds like an awful marriage relationship. You can now be friends and it will not make any difference as there was not sex or any cuddles. Be friends

Uncooperativefingers · 09/11/2023 16:10

Another one who thinks you are greiving for the relationship you wanted to have.

From what you have written, divorce was absolutely the right choice. Doesn't mean it isn't hard, but you will get through it

Nicole1111 · 09/11/2023 16:16

It’s very easy with the benefit of rose tinted glasses and fears about your future to look back at something more positively than you felt about it at the time and consider if you should have settled. Ultimately though you ended the relationship for a reason so try to reconnect with how you felt in the relationship. Once you’ve reminded yourself how bad it was try to draw a line under it and look forward. What can you do to improve your current situation and future?

Saffrom · 09/11/2023 16:27

You could not possibly have been happy with a man like that. Eventually you will meet someone who does make you happy. At the moment many people your age are married but as other couples start divorcing in their 40s there will be more decent guys on the market. In the meantime maybe join some clubs ev amateur dramatics, rambling, adtronomy - whatever you’re into and you may meet nice men there.

Also, don’t forget to enjoy the freedom to do all of the things you are interested in and go away at weekends without needing to negotiate with a partner!

SequinsandStiIettos · 09/11/2023 16:38

You did the right thing.
You deserve to have a sex life.
You deserve to have children (and at 30 it's not too late).
You deserve to have nice things.

Mirabai · 09/11/2023 16:42

You’re young, most people haven’t started their first marriages yet. The difficulty of finding the right person doesn’t justify sticking with the wrong person.

Mirabai · 09/11/2023 16:43

And you don’t have the same values - you want kids he doesn’t. You want intimacy he doesn’t. How would that have ever worked?

clarebear111 · 09/11/2023 16:52

You did the right thing OP. You now have a chance at meeting your person and having a happy, healthy relationship. You're 30, which is still young enough to meet someone and start a family if that is what you want to do.

If you have concerns, perhaps consider a fertility check up, where they can assess your amh levels and that sort of thing. It's not a silver bullet, but having that information might help you make an informed decision about your next steps.

TeaGinandFags · 09/11/2023 17:10

You're grieving the loss of the marriage you thought you would have had.

The thing is you didn't have the happy ending you wanted and you did the right thing in separating. Your ex has no interest in you so for that reason alone you must let him go.

Dry you tears and let the past be. You're young and the world ahead of you. You have time to fall in and out of love, go on adventures and start a family. You won't do any of that by crying over spilt milk and yearning for a man who was never deserving of you.

pizzaHeart · 09/11/2023 17:17

I wonder if it’s because you’ve heard that your ex is happy and you don’t feel happy yourself and it’s triggered all these feelings.
You don’t know in reality how happy he is and why but what you do know that you wanted different things from the marriage and you were not happy.

MariaLuna · 09/11/2023 17:19

Dry you tears and let the past be. You're young and the world ahead of you. You have time to fall in and out of love, go on adventures and start a family. You won't do any of that by crying over spilt milk and yearning for a man who was never deserving of you.

Beautifully put @TeaGinandFags

Original poster
Anawana · 09/11/2023 18:46

Thanks all. I've been in therapy since my divorce. My therapist thinks I tend to blame myself for things that are not my fault or responsibility. I'm trying to be mindful about this.

I don't think hearing he's happy made me upset/depressed at all. I wish him nothing but the best. It's just that I feel like my ex husband was a decent man and the contrast in behaviour in men I've met since is jarring. I dated online and offline but no luck.

It was probably the right decision not one I took lightly. I'm probably still grieving but it helps reading your helpful comments.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 09/11/2023 18:51

That's desperation talking OP. He sounds totally wrong for you. Don't look back. Concentrate only on your future. Everyone feels ropey after their divorce. You can't help it. You spent 10 years with this man. But that will wear off. A new life awaits you.