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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do some families still send Boys to Private (Public) Schools while sending Girls to State Schools

61 replies

Coldcaller · 08/11/2023 21:09

My family could have been described as solidly Upper Middle Class my father was a Criminal Lawyer who was public School educated along with his brother and two generations before him. My mother was also Public School educated and Oxford University, before deciding she wanted to serve society, because money was not a problem. My mother therefore became a teacher but would only teach in Grammar Schools. This was the furthest she was prepared to go, in terms of her public service.

Thus it was always certain my brother would follow his father to Prep and then Public School and of course he did. However, there was never any chance that neither I nor my Sister would be given any Private schooling. For us it was the local Primary and then my mum's Grammar School if we passed the 11+. That was not certain for me and i remember my mother telling me that I will go to the school that suits my ability and whether i was Grammar caliber. In the end i passed and from that moment on during my schooling my mother continually called me a 'lazy' underachiever non more so than my 2:2 from a very ordinary University. This in contrast to both siblings Firsts from Oxford and Cambridge respectively. My mum finally apologized to me many years later when I was finely diagnosed with the 'jackpot' of Autism, Dyslexia, Dyscalculia Dyspraxia and Irlens which tend to co -exist within ASD diagnosis .

However, back to the question of the thread, i know of several well of parents of friends at the time who were equally misogynistic about their daughters schooling.

OP posts:
GrittyTunnocks · 08/11/2023 22:03

BiscuitsandPuffin · 08/11/2023 22:01

Reported.

Can you imagine actually having a job? Utterly bizarre that you’re so precious. Imagine if you actually had something you were supposed to achieve! But no. Too offended by someone being called out on their grammar. #fragile

Dotcheck · 08/11/2023 22:04

Wow- there are a lot of horrible parents around. I’m genuinely shocked.
@GrittyTunnocks - shame

Hexandthecity · 08/11/2023 22:05

Thesunsstillupthere · 08/11/2023 22:00

I have met a couple of families that do thia, tjough not in recent years.

Now I have a DS I’m really struck by how few schools have well-behaved boys. The girls in our area can go to the girls school to be safe from the badly-behaved biys, but there’s no refuge for the quiet sensitive boys unless you send them private.

If only mums would actually bring up their boys properly instead of just dumping them at sports camps.

Really, you're blaming women for the existence of badly behaved boys? How original!

BoredAuditor · 08/11/2023 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You've been a knob on several threads recently.

fyn · 08/11/2023 22:05

My three year old DD is at a prep school that leads on to a public school. There are only 3 other girls in her class and 11 boys. I’d not really considered that this still might be the attitude people take!

Coldcaller · 08/11/2023 22:06

Have you ever posted a thread Gritty or do you just linger like a Shark to target people with disabilities or difficulties !

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MummyJ12 · 08/11/2023 22:10

We are the vice versa of this and have sent DD private.
Our DS (very much like you OP) has ASC and dyspraxia with probable ADHD. He has really struggled in education and now has a bespoke arrangement under an EHCP where he is on the roll at a mainstream school but only goes two days a week maximum (not full days) as he can’t cope with anymore than that and has Nudge Education one to one tutoring three days a week. We saw how broken the state school system is and decided that we would send DD private (she’s 5 years younger and still only year 5).

WrongSwanson · 08/11/2023 22:14

I think there's still a fair bit of this. Whether it's public school Vs state or people just not caring about their daughter's success because they see their primary goal as becoming mothers.

My mum was sent to state school while her brothers went to public school and she still simmers about it now ... Yet she sent my brother to private school for 16 years and I only went to private school for 3 years.

And I know a mum locally doing the same, I tried to suggest how it had landed with me /my mum but she was v breezy about it.

And tbh see it quite a lot in the other sense, of some people caring far more about their son's career paths than their daughter's career options. And making jokes (but not really...) about hoping the daughter marries well

Pastlast · 08/11/2023 22:16

My mum was sent private and her brother state. This was because he’d failed the 11+ and my mum was pretty bright so likely to pass. It would have been unbearable for him to be at the secondary modern while his sister got into the grammar, so she was moved to a convent school run by 80 year old nuns where the only three a levels on offer were English French and Home Ec.

she’s in her 70s and still bitter about it.

londonmummy1966 · 08/11/2023 22:17

My brother went to private school at 7 - I was expected to go state but at 11 it was obvious that I needed stretching. He got a handful of CSEs at grades 2 and 3. I got 13 O levels - 10 of them As and a place at Oxford. DIdn't stop my great uncle asking why my parents were wasting money sending a daughter to university...

Snoeberry · 08/11/2023 22:19

Agree - I knew a lot of families where the boys were encouraged to go to 6th form and uni, but the girls weren't.

charlotte361 · 08/11/2023 22:19

To be fait though , it does sound as though your brothers were a lot morer academically inclined than you were, so that is probably more important than what was in your pants!

Peanutcookies · 08/11/2023 22:20

My old boss did, I hated that man.

it wasn’t even that long ago, his kids are in their early/ mid twenties now

NoKnickerElastic · 08/11/2023 22:23

I know someone who does this now. Reason apparently is state girls much better than the state boys or mixed comps in our city (I don't know if this is true)

Coldcaller · 08/11/2023 22:23

Charlotte: Firstly to judge someones academic ability or intelligence based on their difficulties is shameful and absolutely inaccurate !

Secondly you obviously struggle with comprehension, because i made it clear i had one brother and one sister.

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pastaandpesto · 08/11/2023 22:28

I knew a family at DC's primary whose grandparents had offered to pay school fees for private secondary schooling for their two sons but not for their daughter.

It put the parents in an awful position. In the end they decided they would accept the offer and try to fund the daughter's fees themselves (I don't think they were on very high incomes themselves).

I like to think that if I was in the same position I would have told them to fuck right off and keep their money, but I do understand why they decided to hold their noses for the sake of the children's education. Awful thing for the GPS to have done.

buttercupcake · 08/11/2023 22:28

I know 2 families that have sent their daughters to private school, and their sons to the local state school. Don’t know their reasons.

Mariposista · 08/11/2023 22:34

My cousin went to Grammar school but his sister went to the comp. They didn’t want her at an all girls school. Both did well in their separate settings.

Coldcaller · 08/11/2023 22:38

Some posters highlight that girls state schools are largely better than boys state schools. This is the case with my foster daughters grammar school, that is substantially highly regarded . The boys grammar reputation is a bit so-so.

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Mumof2teens79 · 08/11/2023 22:42

There are....but often the reason given is the girl is doing well and will do well anywhere, but the boy needs more discipline/support and won't do as well at a state school.

WrongSwanson · 08/11/2023 22:44

Mumof2teens79 · 08/11/2023 22:42

There are....but often the reason given is the girl is doing well and will do well anywhere, but the boy needs more discipline/support and won't do as well at a state school.

This would have been broadly my parent's justification. I don't think it was a good one. I think we deserved equal investment in our education.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/11/2023 22:48

Sounds like your parents really let you down, and I’m sorry to hear that.

I would consider it if it were an option (including financially, which it’s not) because my daughter is super academic and would thrive anywhere - she goes to a girls comprehensive and is on the road to getting 9s in her GCSEs so they say. My son has SEN - ADHD and dyslexia- so I’d consider a private school would be useful for him, but then private schools tend to see it the other way around.

That said, it’s not because of their sexes it’s because of their needs and it would be the same if the sexes were reversed.

I always thought that private schools should have to offer free places for kids with SEN or who struggle a lot in other ways long before I had children - the old assisted places for the brightest seemed like nonsense to me - the brightest will do well anywhere.

For disclosure I went to a mixed comp, went on to Oxford Uni and became a criminal lawyer - but criminal law isn’t well paid at all these days. Now I’m in the civil service which also isn’t well paid. I’m a single parent - my ex earns more (private school and then non Oxbridge but good Uni) but he’s diluted his ability to spend on education by having an additional two children and a house bigger than he needs.

VenusClapTrap · 08/11/2023 22:53

i know someone who has done this. The boy is very clever and won a highly competitive scholarship. The daughter is less academically inclined, and said she didn’t want to go to the private school because it’s too sport heavy. If she had wanted to go, the parents were going to try to scrape together the fees, but it was a relief to them that she was happy to go to the local comp.

Dh has a friend who ‘joked’ that it would be a waste of money sending his daughter to a private school because ‘she’s just going to get married’.

xanadu123 · 08/11/2023 22:53

I see so many people justify this by saying it's ok if the state school for the boys (or girls is better) than for the opposite sex. And as someone who went private it baffles me that people still don't realise private schools aren't just about the academics or the teaching - but the confidence and opportunities to do different activities/hobbies you wouldn't have access to in a state school. It's like you can have 2 software developers - one starts their career at Google and another at a small company that invests in training. The developer from Google will have a lot more confidence and access to additional training then the one at a small company - even if they perform equally well in a software exam. And that confidence will help one get more/better jobs and promotions. Kids don't know this stuff, so it's upto parents who are aware how the world works to ensure they make these decisions for them.

My friend went to private, his older sister state. And she performed far better than he did at school and uni but never forgave her parents because as she got older she realised how he had access to sports she didn't, trips she'd never do, and a confidence that she had to really work hard to develop in uni.

Keepgoing88 · 08/11/2023 22:59

Yes, one of my best friends in the early 2000s. Her and younger sister both state educated and then the younger brother boy went to an all boys private school . The parents were both teachers.. the theory behind it I think was that it was more likely for him to ‘go off the rails’ in a state school than the girls. I still think it sends a message to the girls that their education / them are not as important or worthy personally . The only other times I’ve known it is not based on gender but on children’s needs (or special needs basically) and I totally understand that.