Struggling with my children having a step mum

[whatsthetimemisterwolf]

I separated from my children's father 2.5 years ago, and 6 months ago, his new partner (I will refer to her as 'A') and her two children moved into what was our home. Her youngest child ('B') has joined our children's school.

I am struggling with my feelings around this.

My children say many negative things, eg.
"I never get time with just Dad because now 6 people live in our house",
"I never get space from B because she is in my class and at Dad's,
'A lets me sit in the front seat with no car seat and listen to songs with the F word',
'B says naughty words all the time and Dad smacks her',
'A doesn't make me wear a helmet',
'A vapes but she told us it is a whistle', etc.

Our 6-year-old son has phoned me and sent messages while with his father saying A's teenage son is being mean to him.

But they also say positive things, about the presents A buys them, and are excited about all going on holiday together. A frequently posts photos of my children on social media which portray happy times. My children talk with ease about their step-mum and step-siblings.

For reference, her children have different fathers and have had a range of living situations in their lives, so the vocabulary of 'step' is very normal for them and I think my children have picked up on this, not necessarily giving it the weight I do.

Their father and I are very different in terms of our perspectives on parenting. I don't feel I am in a position to talk to them about anything - and what would I say anyway? - because of this difference in views - the lack of helmets, car seats, swearing in front of children, smacking them, etc, are all things he condones (and part of the reason we didn't work!)

We went through court to arrange custody, being unable to come to an agreement together, and none of these things matter in the court system here (nor does his drug use or refusal to stay under the legal driving limit when he has care of the children). I have worked hard to try and accept this - that what I thought was clear-cut 'wrong' behavior is actually not in the eyes of the law.

I have tried to be supportive of this change for my children, and have for example, bought her daughter a birthday present from my children (there was no thank you from either A or my ex), and have also had B stay the night with my children when my ex and A needed a babysitter.

I have a new partner who is amazing and are in no rush to move in together because I don't want my children to be juggling this step situation in both of their homes. I like that my time with them is undiluted.

Even as I write this, I can feel a clear bias towards this woman and I don't really know her to be able to judge. She doesn't talk to me (even when she dropped her daughter off to stay the night, all she said was "A has a bit of a cold"). Avoiding each other at school pick-ups and drop-offs seems to be an unspoken strategy.

I guess I am not asking if I am being unreasonable but for any connections/wisdom in regard to all of this. How can I be less biased towards this? I don't want my children to feel divided and worry they pick up on my feelings, despite my actions.

Bump.

God love you OP, I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this. It'd be my worst nightmare. I have no advice, but it sounds like you're doing the right things your end.

I think you maybe focusing on the step mum because you know you can't control your ex from acting bellend and how he parents your joint kids so your brain goes ok what can I focus on.

Looks like you have tried to come to terms with him but unfortunately your hands are tied in terms of what you can control. Even without her in the picture he sounds like he would be a nightmare in his own right tbh.

I think you need to remember ultimately he is the one your angry with and he is the one who's making and allowing these choices. She's a bit of a red herring.

Also nothing wrong with distance re her ultimately it maybe a protective stance from both of you.

Your ex sounds awful btw. Really awful but it sounds like he was awful way before her and I'm so sorry

Yeah been there done that. For me things improved gradually overtime until they split up and step mum part two came in. Since their teens they have barely seen their dad (like once every few months) it's his loss. My advice would be don't slate dad or partner. But be supportive of your kids

Thanks for your reply. I agree with your comments, and he would be more of a bellend without her in the picture - because she has children, they do now do some child-friendly activities, whereas when we first separated, he was out all the time drinking and just leaving our children with his mother.

I can also see that she is probably just a mother trying to do her best for her children - she moved out of a rental into the house we had built, in a nicer area of town, with better school zones, etc, so it has provided opportunities for her and her children that she otherwise would not have had. Maybe this is what I need to focus on - the solidarity that comes from being female and empathy that a life that I didn't want, is good enough for her.

Thank you again for your comment.

OP you sound absolutely lovely. There is something about this post that just makes me feel you're an amazing person and whilst I've very little to add, I hope you feel better about this soon x

Please don't feel you have to be happy with all this. You are allowed to feel how you feel.

Siblings are often put in separate classrooms, perhaps you could ask the school about separating your DD from her step sibling next school year? It would help with giving you and your DC some space away from them.

That is such a beautiful comment. I think this is a lovely way of putting it.

It sounds as if your kids are quite small. Have you heard of the hug button? It’s a heart you draw on your child’s hand and they can touch it for a hug from you any time they’re away. Maybe could do something like this? Perhaps you’d need to adapt that as it could wash off eg on their arm and / or a soft toy.

Hmmm.

Blending families is tricky, no doubt. But I’d start by examing your superiority issues against the SM. If I were A (and I am a stepmum) there’s no way I wouldn’t be picking up on the judgment you’re making about her and her past. Perhaps she isn’t inclined to make an effort with someone who thinks she’s in a relationship simply in order to move to a better area, for example? I wouldn’t.

It’s never easy, but however much your ex was not your person, he will be someone else’s and that’s what happens in separations: people move on.

Try and resist the urge to become the martyr by talking about the ex being ‘over the legal driving limit’ when he has your kids, for example. It’s all so pass agg and carefully phrased to create the illusion that he has a drinking problem - does he?

You chose him to be the father of your children. He has chosen a new partner to be their SM. It’s okay to feel weird, it’s not okay to diss her for the audacity of multiple dads to her children (despite trying to make that seem like a reasonable point in your OP).

My DSC’s mum and I are cordial but not mates. She and my DH co-parent but aren’t friendly and I am eternally grateful that she doesn’t seek drama between me and the DSC.

It’s interesting you read it as beautiful - I read it as horribly patronising.

Your feelings are valid. It’s a huge adjustment for you and your kids.

I don’t know about the six year old texting you to complain about A though. It’s a hard balance. You want to be there for them. But you need to discourage ‘minor’ telling of tales. It doesn’t sound a very healthy dynamic.

Try not to let your feelings spoil the time you have with your kids though.

The poor woman is with your ex. Remember that first and foremost! he hits her child?! If she posted she would be told to leave him. You would tell her to leave him.

but this, and have for example, bought her daughter a birthday present from my children Why are you still doing your ex’s life admin?!?! This is crossing a line. This is down to him, not you.

Can you anonymously report the hitting to school or social services. Does he hit your children too?

Thank you for your reply. My thought was not concerning my ex, but that if this little girl is going to be my children's step sister, then being kind to her is important. I can't imagine any of this situation is easy for her either. It makes sense in my head.

How much time are your children there and with you. It must be very hard for them seeing another family move into the original family home and for you. Keep your focus on your children and keep a log of things that are really not ok, don't encourage tittle tattle but listen to them when you need to.

I agree with this. It comes across like you think it’s a given that you’re better than her and I’m not really sure why - it sounds like your choices are very much the same except that you stuck around for a second kid with the same dickhead. The driving point as PP also picked up is weird - “refusal to stay under the legal driving limit when he has care of the children”. You mean you tried to insist in court that he didn’t drink at all when he has the kids just in case he needed to drive? That’s totally controlling and unacceptable, and not a standard expectation although you try to portray it as one. You sound like you have the capacity to be very passive aggressive and manipulative and as you recognise, it sounds like your children are already picking up on it and it’s making them tense and anxious about the whole situation. You need to quickly reframe your thinking about this for their sake, and properly, not in the way you’re portraying here.

I didn't take the op mentioning the multiple dad's as dissing, to me it explained why the op had one of the step mum's kids stay overnight as I assumed the other was with their dad?

If you don’t read this as a diss you must button up the back:

For reference, her children have different fathers and have had a range of living situations in their lives, so the vocabulary of 'step' is very normal for them and I think my children have picked up on this, not necessarily giving it the weight I do.

Weird thread. I'm not seeing your posts about SM as lovely at all? Think you sound quite judgy and horrid actually to someone you don't know.

I don't think it sounds patronising in the slightest.

It's a very odd attitude, since she's the one who broke up with him, and got herself a new partner as well.

Thats not for you to do at all.

The OP does not need to treat either her ex or the SM with any kind of respect except probably be a good idea to do so in front of the children. I think it's pedantic and ridiculous that people are pulling up the OP on potentially being patronising, I mean so what? The SM is not owed respect anymore then OP is except in the context of the children

The OP sounds as far from patronising as it's possible to be. She sounds commendably like she is trying to be fair, and manage the situation. Some posters comments about 'dissing' the SM are ridiculous.

OP how much time do they spend there?

The comments about the stepmum having gained material and social advantages for herself and her kids by ‘marrying up’ could be seen as a dig. As could the comment about the different fathers. However cleverly the OP has written it.