Struggling with my children having a step mum

[whatsthetimemisterwolf]

I separated from my children's father 2.5 years ago, and 6 months ago, his new partner (I will refer to her as 'A') and her two children moved into what was our home. Her youngest child ('B') has joined our children's school.

I am struggling with my feelings around this.

My children say many negative things, eg.
"I never get time with just Dad because now 6 people live in our house",
"I never get space from B because she is in my class and at Dad's,
'A lets me sit in the front seat with no car seat and listen to songs with the F word',
'B says naughty words all the time and Dad smacks her',
'A doesn't make me wear a helmet',
'A vapes but she told us it is a whistle', etc.

Our 6-year-old son has phoned me and sent messages while with his father saying A's teenage son is being mean to him.

But they also say positive things, about the presents A buys them, and are excited about all going on holiday together. A frequently posts photos of my children on social media which portray happy times. My children talk with ease about their step-mum and step-siblings.

For reference, her children have different fathers and have had a range of living situations in their lives, so the vocabulary of 'step' is very normal for them and I think my children have picked up on this, not necessarily giving it the weight I do.

Their father and I are very different in terms of our perspectives on parenting. I don't feel I am in a position to talk to them about anything - and what would I say anyway? - because of this difference in views - the lack of helmets, car seats, swearing in front of children, smacking them, etc, are all things he condones (and part of the reason we didn't work!)

We went through court to arrange custody, being unable to come to an agreement together, and none of these things matter in the court system here (nor does his drug use or refusal to stay under the legal driving limit when he has care of the children). I have worked hard to try and accept this - that what I thought was clear-cut 'wrong' behavior is actually not in the eyes of the law.

I have tried to be supportive of this change for my children, and have for example, bought her daughter a birthday present from my children (there was no thank you from either A or my ex), and have also had B stay the night with my children when my ex and A needed a babysitter.

I have a new partner who is amazing and are in no rush to move in together because I don't want my children to be juggling this step situation in both of their homes. I like that my time with them is undiluted.

Even as I write this, I can feel a clear bias towards this woman and I don't really know her to be able to judge. She doesn't talk to me (even when she dropped her daughter off to stay the night, all she said was "A has a bit of a cold"). Avoiding each other at school pick-ups and drop-offs seems to be an unspoken strategy.

I guess I am not asking if I am being unreasonable but for any connections/wisdom in regard to all of this. How can I be less biased towards this? I don't want my children to feel divided and worry they pick up on my feelings, despite my actions.

I think in blended families is actually wise to have respect for all parties if you can. You don't have to be friendly but you do have respect the people on the other side of the fence as autonomous human beings who will have feelings and thoughts and reasons for being outside of your own.

Not pretend to have respect in front of the children because kids aren't thick, and ultimately it shows in the language that is used.

Creating a them vs us situations is incredibly damaging for children.

Also empathy is a two way street and kids will mimic what they are taught...

Buying the present is the right thing to do IMO.

Don't be silly. How can posters focus on this & not on the core issues her poor DC face in this house?

Both her ex and SM are at fault.

Agree with this.

This is a situation where the OP has a problem ex who is parenting badly.

Focusing on the other mum/stepmum is a distraction.

You’ve been around here long enough to know exactly why people are picking apart semantics and phrasing rather than the actual issue. It wouldn’t be MN without posters like that 😂

You sound lovely and thoughtful, OP.

Your ex sounds like a twat.

Your ex husband, if indeed does do drugs, is one thing.

You are judging the stepmother though. Your thread is about her. 2 children by 2 different fathers. Her 'lesser' background and the insinuation she's moved up socially to be living in a 'house you built', in a nicer area of town.

If your children are picking things up about step families, than that's coming from you. You've said yourself, your children are doing activities because of her, otherwise if just with their Dad, they'd be dumped at the inlaws whilst he went drinking. Give over with the female solidarity pish.

You're angry with the wrong person, and you'll have to accept your children are in blended families now. You've already got a boyfriend, wait until he moves in.

I find the comments attacking you really weird. I think you are doing the right thing by encouraging a positive relationship with your ex, the step mum and step sister as far as you can. I think you also need to make clear your kids can come to you with any concerns.

I would also be worried about drugs and getting drunk around the kids and don't agree that bothering about this is 'controlling'. Helmets on bike, car seats, hitting are all things that it is totally legitimate to be concerned about.

The problem is that you can't make your husband get on board with your parenting strategy. I know you say that these things won't matter to the court where you are (I guess not in UK) but do make sure that you have taken proper legal advice on this - you could always see a different solicitor for a second opinion if it continues to concern you. If you are British, would it be possible to move with the kids back to the UK? I know it seems extreme but I guess it would be worth researching so you can be clear if it is an option.

But if you are correct that a legal solution is not possible then all you can do is what you are doing. There isn't a magic bullet to be happy with the situation because it sounds really bad and you have my sympathy.

I think in fairness to OP

Her focusing on sm is a defence mechanism that a lot of people do on here with step parents.

The problem is the ex and that his behaviours are problematic.

The step mum isn't at fault equally or otherwise for the things dads doing. We shouldn't be say yarrrtayarr it's a women's fault for a man acting like this or she would keep him under control .

Much like it would be unfair to blame op for the actions of her ex when they were together.

Focusing on sm ignores the fact that no one's doing much to tackle dad.

I mean this kindly but you'll feel better if you don't encourage your children to report back every little thing that happens at your ex's house.

If they live with you then they get a break from child B when they are at home. That doesn't mean you shouldnt sympathise with them but it's basically a grumble.

"X doesn't make me wear my helmet" "You know you have to wear your helmet. It's important to wear a helmet because it stops you getting hurt and I expect you to do it every time you ride your bike".

"B says bad words" "I don't care how B talks but you are not allowed to say bad words" * *

How often are your dc with your ex vs with you?

You are a better person than me op. I would be feeling very upset at what the kids are telling you and more so that this woman has moved into your house and your kids are feeling the effects of this! Of course she has moved up in life, can't see it any other way.

IMHO, not slagging off your ex-partner in front of your kids is one of the biggest gifts you can give a kid when parents split up. (Sorry for slightly wanky metaphor but you get my drift).

Keep on keeping on, OP, and focus on your kids and lovely new partner.

I think in co-parenting situations you have to pick your battles and let some stuff go and accept it's out of your control.

From your op I would choose to pick the battles of no car seat and no helmet. Those would be unacceptable to me.

It isn’t her house.

Aren't you a delight 😂 I don't button up the back, I just don't automatically look for badness in people.

Nothing ‘automatic’ about it.

Thank you for all of your replies. I think there is merit in the comments that my ex's new partner is a red herring. His parenting style was a huge part of the reason we separated and the issues I have with his choices existed long before her.

My ex does have a drinking problem - he hasn't had a driving conviction, but frequently drives over the limit and drinks to the point of being comatose.

The smacking was something he admitted during the court process, along with verbal abuse of the children, and he was still awarded shared custody. We don't live in the UK.

It is interesting to see the different perspectives here about what is 'controlling' vs what is 'reasonable' and reiterates my experience of the court process - things that are clear cut to some people, are not to others.

As I originally posted, I do have a bias toward both my children's father (and his new partner) - it is difficult to stand by and watch your children be exposed to a lifestyle that doesn't meet your standards (the drinking, vaping, falling asleep on devices, our son sleeping on a mattress on the floor because there is no longer a bed for him, helmets and car seats not being used, our 6-year-old son having carpet burn from the 16-year-old, and so on - and it does go on and on). I think this is why I come across as condescending - I genuinely do believe I can provide better for our children. I think they deserve better than this.

But, the situation is as it is. I don't know if I will ever perceive my children's father and his choices as meeting my standards. I don't really mind if people think I am condescending but need to try and find some good in him, for my children's sake. They are clever and pick up on everything - I don't want them to grow up feeling divided, or unable to confide in me. I am just not sure HOW to achieve this.

I have asked for the children to be in separate classes next year and when the children express upset about things at their dad's house, I encourage them to talk to him.

Thank you again for the time you all took to respond - I appreciate it. X

Why haven’t you said what the contact split is? Presumably your son gets a break from living with his step sister when he’s with you.

What an amazing woman you are! Things will get better for you, I promise