To expect a friend of DS to come for dinner and not help himself in our fridge

[bouncy]

Ds friend came for dinner and said he was hungry and could he have a packet of crisps, I said no as dinner was 10 mins away (just like I would say to ds) he walked right past me and opened the fridge and said I will have one of these them and took a yoghurt, I said they are for after dinner and he just walked away with it, I told him to give it back but he looked at me and said NO I eating it

When his mum came to collect him I said about the fridge incident and she said in our house he is part of the family and he can decided when he is hungry and as the fridge is in his house he can help himself, I was very shocked and she said she has not heard of anyone who makes there children ask if they want something, infact tried to imply there was something wrong with me making my son ask if he can have something to eat.

The friend is 8 btw.

What a badly brought up child. This is the reason that I am strict with my dd(even though she is allowed eat what ever fruit she likes). I want her to be a pleasant and well mannered child, that people will like. It is not the boys fault, his parents aren't doing him any favours.

That is disgusting! I would not invite him again! He would not do this in a shop/the school kitchen, so he obviously knows boundaries apply! My dd's 3 year old friends wouldn't dream of doing this! When/if ds is asked to go to their house tell him to do the same thing.

YANBU. This is incredibly rude - I would not expect my 4-yo to help herself in other people's houses, never mind an 8-yo. And to defy you like that!

He neads to learn that the rules that run in his house do not run everywhere else in the universe.

At 8 , as long as he has no SN , he should be able to do that.

His name isn't Davy, is it?

Read this on the TES website (and I know they can bea little crazy on times, but this amused me!

Big Bang looms on Planet Davy

Emily Shark
Published: 01 February 2008

A life in the year of Emily Shark
"Why did you give Davy a detention when he says he didn't do anything?"

Well, let's see now. It was raining, I was premenstrual and the moon was in Scorpio. Also, Davy refused to stop hurling himself against another child, but that's a detail.

"We can discuss this again, Mrs Hubble, but first we really do need to talk about his Sats ... ".

I wish Mr Hubble would stop chewing his hand like that. I wonder if they planned this? "We'll both go to parents' evening, but I'll do the talking. You just stare at her and look psychopathic. Now, which of us is going to read her markbook upside-down this year?

"And another thing, Miss Shark. Have you found his coat yet?"

Oh, dear. It's all in the "yet". Some parents betray their skewed image of the universe in one word. Yes, every day I drag Davy and only Davy towards his Sats. At night I look for his coat. I have not found it "yet" because it is probably squashed and rotting behind a radiator in the science block. When it is found - some time in 2012 - it will no longer look like a coat.

"It's just that it was new this term and we'd rather not buy him another one yet."

And again, "yet".

Davy is growing up at the centre of his parents' universe, but not in a good way. No wonder he explodes when I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do. He sees me as a satellite out of its orbit. His parents revolve around him, so why don't I?

Many of us go through a terrible moment when we realise that we are not at the centre of the solar system. The sun is - there's a clue in the name. But if his own parents haven't had this Copernican moment about Davy, then when will Davy have it?

This is already the third school they have put him in. They will probably keep searching for a school that has a perfect, comfortable, Davy-shaped hole at the centre of it.

What they don't realise is that one day, this swirling ball of dust and gas that is hormonal Davy is going to harden into the adult Planet Davy.

It will be a very confused planet that thinks it's the sun. It will keep expecting everything else to revolve around it, just as its parents did. Not many things will, though, except perhaps a pale moon of a girlfriend.

School is chaos. There are loud bangs and flying rocks as all these developing planets keep smashing into each other. They carry on smashing and growing until eventually they cool down into some sort of permanent shape. Meanwhile, the teachers just hope they can escape into the black hole of the summer holidays before they're all pulverised.

As for this parents' evening, all I can really hope for is that it ends not with a bang but a whimper.

More from Emily in a fortnight.

Incredibly rude, both mother and son.

I don't actually think it's unreasonable that a child has to ask for food in their own home, there might be several reasons you would say no - too near to a mealtime perhaps or you're running low on whatever they might want.

Nor is it wrong if you decide that in your home the children don't have to ask, and can just help themselves. We all have our own rules.

What is wrong is if an 8-year-old doesn't know to ask permission in someone else's home, and more to the point, doesn't then put the item back after they've been told no. And it's even more wrong that the mother doesn't recognise the rudeness of her son - it would have been much easier to understand if she'd said 'I'm really sorry, he doesn't have to ask at home so didn't think to, but we'll have a chat about it together'.

Part of bringing up your children is helping them understand that different families have different rules and that usually we abide by their rules when in their home.

Helping himself isn't so much of an issue IMO as that's how he's been brought up, although I'm surprised he's allowed to help himself at home having been told dinner is in 10 minutes. Refusing to put it back is incredibly rude. I would be appalled if my DSs did this.

I wouldn't expect my 3yo to act like that let alone an 8yo.

ds is allowed to help himself to food (within reason) at home.

He has tried it once or twice at gps (where he is most relaxed) and been told no. And hasn't done it again.

He is 3 and manages to understand that, to not expect an 8yo to know that is ridiculous.

Extremely bad manners.

Was thinking about this as loading the dishwasher and I still can't believe the mother

My children are welcome to have what ever they like However they will always say I'm having so and sos is that ok? And if dinner is impending then it is not, if they have eaten all their dinner or dinner is going to be a while then it is, but I would be mortified if they went to someones house and raided the fridge.

doesn't surprise me, kids are getting ruder each year

I blame the parents

This reminds me of when we stay at MIL'S ,different I know as it is family.

MIL hates it when my DS goes to her fridge to look for something to eat and is always monitering what he has eaten already and if he really needs something else.

It really annoys me and makes my DS feel really bad when she shouts at him.

By the way he is 5 and has SN.

bouncy-in your incident I agree totally unacceptable and his mother should have been more apoligetic.
Was she not embarassed at all?

wow what a response thanks, glad to know I am not the only one who would be shocked.

DS said afterwards about not inviting him again as he doesn't like the way he spoke to me.

My DD (8) has to ask me if she wants something to eat, even fruit. We have regular meals and snacks so it is very unusual for her to ask for something at all.

I find the Mother's comment 'he is part of the family etc' really insulting. What so anyone who makes their children have a few manners isn't a loving parent. What world is this woman from, god I hate permissive parenting it is just an excuse for being lazy - and the rest of us suffer the consequences.

(Sorry in a really bad mood as at a drama exam my dd did this morning 2 little poppets (aged 8) sitting behind me thought it was wildly amusing to throw balled up bits of sellotape into my long hair.)

bloody cheek

Its very rude, i wouldn't invite him round again. It's your house and while he's there he should go by your rules. Simple as!

Ha, that would be hilarious, MB, if it wasn't so sad. Or should that be the other way around

Disrespectful to ignore your request to put the food back.

Less rude is helping yourself from the fridge sice that differs house to house but once the house rules were pointed out he clearly should have abided by them even if he thought it was odd.

Got to add though... pmsl at the world's gone to the dogs comments!

that's so rude. In his own house maybe, in yours after you have said no is plain rude! and his mother should have respected your rules!

YANBU - if a child (apart from mine) went into my fridge without permission I'd be furious. You said no, and that should have been the end of the matter. I hope he ate all his dinner!

I had a friend like that who thought I was being unreasonable when I refused to give her child more food, after she'd had 4 different items of food taken a bite out of each, and then left it.

Don't invite him back, and when asked why, say you thought he was rude and don't wish to be ignored in your own home by a child.

i get this though, kids come home from school with their friends and they can help themselves to fruit...

then it's "i'm still hungry can i have crisps/yoghurt/chocolate(?)"

i have to say no, as we often don't have any of that and the child goes of stomping!!

what can you do?

Casbie, I think it's entirely reasonable of them to want something a bit more filling than fruit after school, actually. I'm not talking cream doughnuts by the kilo 10 minutes before tea, before I get leapt on by the health fanatics (for the record, if it's relevant, both my DCs are slim and fit), but they're hungry after a long day at school and who knows what they've actually eaten for lunch. But that's a different issue from the OP.

I let my kids help themselves to fruit, but anything else they have to ask. I have a budget and plan meals and if it was left to the kids to decide I'd have no idea what food was in the fridge/cupboard and half my ingredients for a particular meal missing.

However, that is beside the point. What matters is that you are entitled to respect in your own home and once the child was told no, that should have been the end of it. He is quite old enough to appreciate different rules apply in different places .... after all, does he help himself to whatever he fancies at school regardless of a teacher's instructions ?

To continue disobeying you after you'd explained the way you did things was appalling but it sounds as if he has been brought up to be totally selfish and rude. Regardless of her views, the mother should have apologised profusely for him being so insolent to you but her failure to do so is shocking. Presumably he has been brought up to think he can have/do whatever he wants regardless of the repercussions for other people and the lack of respect/consideration getting your own way usually entails.

Sadly, more and more children are being brought up to think that they are the centre of the universe and sod everyone else. Thankfully not, so far as I can tell, amongst the children at my daughter's nursery whose parents seem great, but there are kids in my extended family who behave exactly like this and whose mother's mantra is "children come first". Well yes ..... if there's only a few slices of bread left and the children need feeding, but not as a matter of course in day to day life where kids are allowed to make decisions about things they're not mature enough to understand and where they trample over others' feelings. Sorry, I've digressed a bit ..... the issue of spoilt kids is a particular bugbear of mine.

I wouldn't invite this child around again - which is a shame if he is your son's particular friend but I don't think my blood pressure could stand it. Well, maybe I would, if my son was insistent but if a similar thing happened again, I'd tell the mother in no uncertain terms not only what had happened, but that I thought it incredibly ill-mannered to ignore my rules in my house.

yanbu

I think the mother was pretty rude actually, so it's a bit clearer where the son got it from, but she might have been embarrassed and was on the defence.

Helping himself because that's the rule in his house is one thing but this child was already told 'no'.