DH feels like I'm forcing him to do stuff

[WaterbottleCollector]

DH always wants me to "be more direct".

I will ask him if he wants to make the reservation for his mum's birthday dinner instead of straight up telling him to do it, he'll say no, and then it leads to an argument because 10 restaurant suggestions by me and rejections by him later we've made no progress in the restaurant booking.

So now I say go make the reservation and he'll do it reluctantly or complain that I'm forcing him to do things!

That was just an example but it happens time and time again with all sorts of things.

The worst cases are when I pick something because he refuses to choose and then when something goes wrong he tells me "well you picked it"!! Same as when we go out for dinner and the food/service is bad and he'll complain that I've made a bad choice.

We were at his parent's anniversary celebration the other week, they asked us if we would like to stay for the holidays, he turned to me and asked me "what do you think?" It's nice sometimes when I get to decide everything but at the same time it is also my fault for everything going wrong. It's exhausting to be honest.

AIBU to not want to be the one "forcing" him to do things?

A shady and contemptuous way to try and make you look bad, and protect their fragile ego because they weren't the one who made the "bad" decision. Got no time for it myself.

He's playing a game.

It's a win-win game for him.

He makes you choose by not doing anything. If it's ok that's fine. If it's not he blames you.

Either way he wins - he doesn't have to think about it and if it goes wrong he's got a ready made scapegoat.

My Ex used to play it a lot.

Things you can do to stop the game:

Say me and the kids are going to X do you want to join us

Stop planning any activity where it's primarily for him or his family.

Tell him to stop playing the game

The only way to change people like this is to take them on at their own game. Refuse to make decisions and see how he reacts. It will lead to one of two things, either he'll have to make the decisions himself (in which case be supportive rather than copying his negativity) or he'll get pissed off that nothing is happening because nobody is deciding anything. If the latter, point out that he's 50% responsible for there being no decision.

People like this are often suffering from trauma caused by childhood experiences. If parents are too strict, in the sense that the child is not allowed to decide things or even challenge them, the child often develops the mindset that they're not allowed to make decisions or even that they are incapable of making them. This spills over into adult life. (I have a similar thing, I need to ask permission for everything.)

If its got anything to do with his side of the family just remove it completely from your plate and leave him to sort stuff.

Why are you bringing up what needs doing for his mum? Just sort your own.

Oh my DM does similar in reverse. She wants to buy something and gets one of us to do it. But she wants it done immediately. There's no sitting around having a think about what specifications she needs or wants or shopping around for the best deal. And absolutely no waiting until the sales!

She gets us to order on her behalf everything from renewing her car insurance to finding some obscure item online that she's decided she must have in her life. When it's on order she's pestering us daily wondering when it's going to arrive.

Then she grumbles that it wasn't what she wanted and that we made her buy it, and we get the blame forever more for making her buy the thing she always hated. There's been cars, TVs, furniture, pets, that she's found fault with and constantly brings up how we forced her into it.

She hates me because I've learned to refuse to decide for her.

My EX was like this, in the end i used to say "im not making a decision its up to you", it would end up in a row as he would push and push for a decision and i would say that no matter what i chose it would be wrong so he needs to decide not me. Note, he is an ex.

YABU to get involved in birthday arrangements for his mum. Just let him crash and burn if necessary, it's on him.

That's what I was thinking. Both of your examples are about his family. It honestly wouldn't cross my mind to ask my husband about booking his mother's birthday dinner.

Why are you even involving yourself re his mother. That’s on him plain and simple.

My DH can be a bit passive about making decisions so I always say - I'm happy to choose if you want, but you've forfeited all right to complain about it. I don't even need to say it now because it is so firmly established - if you don't make the decision, you have no right to complain.

The one sure way to get my ex to do anything is to get it 99% done myself and he would come in and tell me I'd done it wrong and do it again himself (generally to no significantly different effect).

His other trick was when there was a big risk (eg, we'd sold a vehicle, but the transaction wasn't being completed for a few days, and we were driving it in the meantime) he'd get me to do it, so if it went wrong, it was my fault.

It's lazy and manipulative.

In your example, there would have been no meal for mil because he hadn’t bothered to book it. Particularly with his attitude there is no way I would be doing it for him.

Why are you getting involved in his mum's birthday meal? That's the first thing that springs to mind here, tbh.

As for the second example, I don't see the issue with him asking for your opinion, really.

I've been drawn into this game. See also, you decide which route to take and then it's magically my fault if there happens to be a traffic jam that I couldn't have anticipated.

I then adopted a different approach: I'd recommend a route but it's not my responsibility if it's not the best as I cannot know for certain in advance. Or I will choose the restaurant unless you prefer to but don't complain it's my fault if it's not perfect. In other words, set out your boundaries. And be very clear that he was given the chance to comment/decide if he starts the blame game.

Leave him to arrange his Mum's own birthday meal

If he asks you to arrange it (and you're willing to), then give him two choices and let him make final decision

Very childish and unattractive

DH used to do this and so I stopped including him in my plans with DS & have stopped caring about him doing things with his family either. He only realised how much he missed out on when DS started talking about one of the activities we did & apparently it was one he always wanted to do with him. But if you decide to snooze your way through life you can’t expect others to wait for you.

Sounds like maybe you need to stop trying to do things jointly with him.

Anything for the benefit of him or his family - don't get involved. He can choose to do stuff or not do stuff but you are in no way forcing him.

Anything for the benefit of you, your family or children - you choose. Ask him if he wants to come along but tell him clearly if he comes there can be no complaining about your choices - if he doesn't like something he needs to organise himself rather than sitting back and moaning.

Anything to do with DH’s family I do nothing. One year I reminded DH about Mother’s Day as we’d discussed going to a nice restaurant and treating his mum. He didn’t do it and by the time he got round to it the nice restaurants were all booked up. He’s been booking earlier ever since.

in your scenario if he asks what you want to do, throw it back at him, I’m free then up to you what would you like to do?

i always book restaurants as I research them and usually the restaurants I pick are perfect for us. Altho DH would never complain if they weren’t. Take the restaurant picking in turns. If he complains about your choices tell him to pick a better one then.

I’ve not voted because it’s too hard to judge without knowing more information.

I will ask him if he wants to make the reservation for his mum's birthday dinner instead of straight up telling him to do it, he'll say no, and then it leads to an argument because 10 restaurant suggestions by me and rejections by him later we've made no progress in the restaurant booking.

I would not have asked him or told him to do anything in this situation.

You’re not his mum and if he wants to reserve a restaurant booking then it’s on him to do it.

If he’s struggling and asks you for help that’s fine, but it’s not your job to be stressing over something that’s his responsibility.

I agree with him asking you whether you want to stay at his parents for the holidays, as that should be a discussion and not one person making the decisions.

Nothing would annoy me more than him not making a choice and moaning about my choice.

I think you need to make a choice and ask him for his choice.
If he says he doesn’t mind if whatever say fine we’ll go here but do not moan about my choice.
If he starts moaning then tell him to stop.

Its mad because this is a grown man and you’re having to treat him like you would a child.

Decisions that concern both of you should be made with joint input. His family's birthday celebrations are up to him to organise. You sound like you like the control aspect until it doesn’t go your way. You should both work towards trying to be a bit more equal in terms of decision making.

when I pick something because he refuses to choose and then when something goes wrong he tells me "well you picked it"!!

That's why he does it. To avoid responsibly for anything. Like all the PP's have said.

I also agree that you should not bother with any of it.
Only organise the things you need and want.
There was absolutely no need for you to ask or remind him to book something for his mother.
You do not mention it. That's his responsibility.

Just organise the things that you are keen to do, and organise them to suit you.

Sod the rest. Don't even remind him.

This drives me mad. I actually have a friend who does this, albeit on a lesser scale. She'll invariably say she doesn't mind when she's asked what restaurant/bar we should go to, and then will then immediately say 'No, I don't like it there' at every suggestion anyone makes. We've pointed this out to her and she always apologises, but she still does it every time.

We were at his parent's anniversary celebration the other week, they asked us if we would like to stay for the holidays, he turned to me and asked me "what do you think?

I’m not dismissing the rest of your post, but I don’t get this bit. Should he not have asked you what you thought? Staying for the holidays is a fairly major decision, surely it’s one you should make together not just him on his own?