DH feels like I'm forcing him to do stuff

[WaterbottleCollector]

DH always wants me to "be more direct".

I will ask him if he wants to make the reservation for his mum's birthday dinner instead of straight up telling him to do it, he'll say no, and then it leads to an argument because 10 restaurant suggestions by me and rejections by him later we've made no progress in the restaurant booking.

So now I say go make the reservation and he'll do it reluctantly or complain that I'm forcing him to do things!

That was just an example but it happens time and time again with all sorts of things.

The worst cases are when I pick something because he refuses to choose and then when something goes wrong he tells me "well you picked it"!! Same as when we go out for dinner and the food/service is bad and he'll complain that I've made a bad choice.

We were at his parent's anniversary celebration the other week, they asked us if we would like to stay for the holidays, he turned to me and asked me "what do you think?" It's nice sometimes when I get to decide everything but at the same time it is also my fault for everything going wrong. It's exhausting to be honest.

AIBU to not want to be the one "forcing" him to do things?

Yes, except he'll then complain if anything goes wrong with the holidays because he has made the OP take on all the responsibility for the decision.

Why on earth are you booking lunch for his mum?! Stop the wifework!

I will ask him if he wants to make the reservation for his mum's birthday dinner instead of straight up telling him to do it

Why are those the only options?

I’d not mention it and leave it down to him. If he doesn’t do it, then it doesn’t happen and he can explain to his mum why.

I don't know what I would say or do if my dh started asking me if I wanted to book a table for my mother's birthday.

I think I'd be genuinely confused as to why he was asking.

Another one whose mil would have never had a birthday dinner here. Just leave him to it, let the balls drop and shatter. In the case of visiting them, you say ‘oh I’m happy to stay if you want to darling. Just make up your mind in the next 10 minutes so I know if I can pour another glass.’

The asking about the holiday is presumably in front of the parents. So sh has to say yes or be the villain. That’s why it’s a rotten thing to do.

This.

Did you actively select that you wanted to start up this zombie thread?

Yes, this is my approach. I organise the holidays etc and they work out just great for me!!

I don’t get involved in other stuff - up to DH whether he sorts anything out for Mother’s Day etc

Oh didn’t realize it was an ancient thread! Sorry.

I had this kind of thing for 20 years as part of a much wider emotionally abusive relationship. He could never make a decision, with or without me, I would try writing everything down with pros and cons, telling him not to blame me when (inevitably) I had to make the final call and it didn't all work in his favour. I was never critical of any decisions of his, it came I think from his childhood. He is still the same. I had years of "well, YOU said...." whenever anything wasn't perfect even when I'd tried to get him to decide anything. It's lack of confidence at best (impossible to solve btw, no amount of bolstering worked in my xh's case) and manipulation at worst.

Just stop doing all of it. If he doesn't do it, it doesn't get done. Why is it your responsibility alone?