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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban DD’s boyfriend from coming around

29 replies

ceeboi90 · 08/11/2023 11:48

My DD is 16. She's in a relationship with a just turned 18 year old (turned 18 on Monday).

About 2 years ago he was accused of coercing his then girlfriend into sex by threatening to share her nudes. I don't believe anything was done.

He's been in a relationship with DD since earlier this year, and I believe he's a bad influence on her. He didn't have a good childhood, his dad was abusive towards him and his mum so I have tried to be mindful of that, he also still lives with them and I didn't want DD going over there.

A few months into their relationship DD told me she was worried she was pregnant, took a test and it was negative. All fine. She admitted they weren't using any contraception because bf “doesn't like” condoms. She went on the pill but I don't believe she's taking it as she should. He's disrespectful, doesn't say hello or please and thank you. DD doesn't attend college because neither does he, he's dropped out his course and I'm worried she will do the same. There's multiple times where I've got home, she isn't at college and he's here, the house is a mess due to crisp packets etc.

WIBU to ban him from coming round?

OP posts:
Londonscallingme · 08/11/2023 11:50

Urgh, this is so tough. I can understand why you’d want to ban him but in reality you will just alienate her, I suspect. I’d opt for keeping her (and unfortunately therefore him) close.

ItsThatTimeAgainXmas · 08/11/2023 12:01

Londonscallingme · 08/11/2023 11:50

Urgh, this is so tough. I can understand why you’d want to ban him but in reality you will just alienate her, I suspect. I’d opt for keeping her (and unfortunately therefore him) close.

This. It'll make it worse. Do you eat any meals together that you make? Could you put her pill into her food if she's not taking it properly. Sorry that's awful really and sounds extreme but better than her getting pregnant by this wally.

Octavia64 · 08/11/2023 12:03

If you ban him realistically she will still spend time with him just not at your house.

Personally I'd get her in the implant or depo provera rather than the pill as they are much more reliable.

Mischance · 08/11/2023 12:04

I think the advice to keep her close and within your family influence is right. All you relate is dreadful, but if you push him away you will also be pushing her away and that is the last thing you need.

Chipsahoyagain · 08/11/2023 12:07

What have I read? Secretly putting pills in the food? Why are 16yo children behaving like adults? This is so far from the teens that I know. In 'relationships', almost getting pregnant, layabouts not in any education? Op you are the parent, she sounds out of control really. So she doesn't attend college because her bf doesn't? Why is this acceptable to you?
And why are you blaming the Bf when your dd is the one you are responsible for? Have a good, tough , firm conversation with her and set out your expectations. Ask her if she's proud of the direction her life is going in? The responsibility of her life and decisions lie with her, not her bf.

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 08/11/2023 12:08

ermmm she’s not a cockerpoo, you can’t just start drugging her food! Confused

Technonan · 08/11/2023 12:18

Chipsahoyagain · 08/11/2023 12:07

What have I read? Secretly putting pills in the food? Why are 16yo children behaving like adults? This is so far from the teens that I know. In 'relationships', almost getting pregnant, layabouts not in any education? Op you are the parent, she sounds out of control really. So she doesn't attend college because her bf doesn't? Why is this acceptable to you?
And why are you blaming the Bf when your dd is the one you are responsible for? Have a good, tough , firm conversation with her and set out your expectations. Ask her if she's proud of the direction her life is going in? The responsibility of her life and decisions lie with her, not her bf.

And if she doesn't? If she moves out and moves in with her BF? I have seen this in my own family, a 16-year-old taking up with a 19-year-old and going through this exact pattern. Her parents did try what you suggest, with the outcomes I have described.

Once your child is over 16, the law and the social services won't help. Yes, they are vulnerable teens and shouldn't be behaving like adults, but the reality is, they do, and can act in remarkably foolhardy ways in emotional situations like this. We got fed up to the back teeth with the 'get tough' brigade who just have no conception about how difficult this can be.

OP, I really feel for you, but I suspect there is a fair amount of coercion going on aimed at discrediting you and trying to draw your DD away from you. I think it's OK to talk to her and express your concerns, but banning him could have bad consequences. Make sure she knows you are motivated by love and concern for her, and hope the relationship ends soon.

Hankunamatata · 08/11/2023 12:53

Firstly I'd talk to her about going with her to have the implant or injection if she isn't taking pill correctly.
I wouldn't ban him. I would have a chore list for them to do and would ask if they could cook a meal one night a week for the family so you can all eat together

staceyflack · 08/11/2023 12:54

Sounds so tough OP. My teens have been very challenging, for various reasons, and i agree with others to try to keep your daughter close.You dont need to accept being walked over, but laying the law down at this age, will likely alienate her. Choose your battles! Its not true that SS wont help 16 year olds. Up until 18, if you genuinely cant keep her safe, please do contact them. Theyre were amazing when my eldest was taking huge risks at 17years. At the very least they will sign post you / her to local services that might help. @Chipsahoyagain wow... how lucky you are, to be so naive.

purplecheesecat · 08/11/2023 13:01

Don’t ban him from your home! As much as you want to, and as awful as he sounds, if you ban him your DD will just end up spending all her time round his place/out with him instead, alienating her from you further. It’s best to have them where you can keep an eye on them.
As for contraception, you need to have a talk with her and take her to an appointment to get the implant/coil. If she’s not taking the pill properly and not using condoms she’s at real risk of pregnancy from this dreadful man. Do not put the pill in her food, I can’t believe that was suggested seriously! Drugging people is illegal.
And most of all, do your best to keep lines of communication open and don’t give up trying to get through to DD. I know it’s harder than it sounds.

Octavia64 · 08/11/2023 13:05

In similar circumstances I did my absolute best to include the boyfriend as part of the family,

Mostly through gritted teeth.

We invited him to any meal he wanted to come to. He was welcome to just drop over. We actually took him on holiday.

It really does reduce the influence, and also stops the divide and rule tactics.

Heyhoherewegoagain · 08/11/2023 13:07

I can only echo what others have said about keeping your daughter close…there’s nothing like banning something to make it more attractive, and possibly make the relationship last longer than it would otherwise …and definitely help her get contraception sorted-and unplanned pregnancy would add a layer of complication you don’t need

beAsensible1 · 08/11/2023 13:07

As she’s 16 I’m assuming she already knows what expectations you have of her and her behaviour and how she treats the home and the consequences for her.

if she doesn’t want to go to college she needs a job. Banning him won’t work but have expectations for her behaviour chores etc

does she get pocket money, have other friends or activities that are outside of his influence.

get her the patch, implant or shot as she’s clearly not responsible regarding conversation.

and she obviously needs talking to about advocating for herself in sexual relationships she shouldn’t be jeopardising her health or womb because a guy “doesn’t like condoms” Jesus the oldest excuse in the book.

what are her friends like?

RandomButtons · 08/11/2023 13:07

No - keep them under your roof as much as possible. Grit your teeth and kill em with kindness.

Do not push your daughter away by making this a wedge between you.

ginasevern · 08/11/2023 13:08

@Chipsahoyagain

I'm very pleased that you are surrounded by such clean living and respectful teenagers (or at least you seem to believe that's what they are). Not sure what age you are or whether you live in an Amish style community but you don't seem very in touch with reality.

SirenSays · 08/11/2023 13:08

Encourage her to switch birth control, go with her and encourage regular STI testing too. Don't slip her anything fgs.

When this happened in our family, we put a huge amount of effort into making a good life seem exciting; talking to people already in careers she liked, city breaks to visit universities, we explored travel/gap year/student exchange program options, we planned girls trips with friends......
It helped her to see the life she could have vs the one she was building. They grew apart after that and eventually broke up.

beAsensible1 · 08/11/2023 13:12

SirenSays · 08/11/2023 13:08

Encourage her to switch birth control, go with her and encourage regular STI testing too. Don't slip her anything fgs.

When this happened in our family, we put a huge amount of effort into making a good life seem exciting; talking to people already in careers she liked, city breaks to visit universities, we explored travel/gap year/student exchange program options, we planned girls trips with friends......
It helped her to see the life she could have vs the one she was building. They grew apart after that and eventually broke up.

This exactly you can be firm re: the house being and tip and not wasting around as well as contraception

but show her the opportunity life has, encourage her positive friends who are good decision makers.

make him the unreasonable one. Also watch shows where girls dump their loser bfs

OhmygodDont · 08/11/2023 13:18

Banning him will just move their relationship to his home or the streets.

Regards to contraception maybe see if you can convince her to swap to something less hassle than taking a pill every day.

forgotname · 08/11/2023 13:41

Is it not a legal requirement for her yo be in education until 18. Is she able to just drop out?

I can only suggest what PP have said. Better for him to be near than them creeping around elsewhere

Cas112 · 08/11/2023 13:44

ItsThatTimeAgainXmas · 08/11/2023 12:01

This. It'll make it worse. Do you eat any meals together that you make? Could you put her pill into her food if she's not taking it properly. Sorry that's awful really and sounds extreme but better than her getting pregnant by this wally.

Show quote history

Do not do this OP, jesus this is the worst advice I have seen

ItsThatTimeAgainXmas · 08/11/2023 13:47

Cas112 · 08/11/2023 13:44

Do not do this OP, jesus this is the worst advice I have seen

Show quote history

I know it sounds awful but worst case scenario as a mum I'd do this for my child (she is still only 16!) Than risk her getting pregnant by this loser. However the other suggestion of moving her to injection or something else is better if she'll agree.

Twiglets1 · 08/11/2023 13:49

I would try to maintain a good relationship with your daughter so you keep some influence over her and can talk her into getting a contraceptive implant rather than having to remember to take a daily pill. That's damage limitation. Talk to her about it and if she agrees then immediately make an appointment with the doctor or clinic.

I would allow him to keep coming round to yours because the alternative could be worse, like them going to his house instead. Stay friends with your daughter and hope the relationship doesn't last long.

Helenloveslee4eva · 08/11/2023 13:53

Why not try the opposite. Invite him in and get to know him.
might sound awful - but don’t alienate your daughter and you might just kill this relationship with kindness 🤣 rather than allowing him to drive a wedge between you and her .

Ibravedaflood · 08/11/2023 13:57

Ime this is where helicopter parenting is perfect... Invite him round. Family meals round the table. Talk about him. His interests.. His career path... His family... Invite him places... The most easiest way to weedle out a wrong un... Once he sees dd has a great supportive family who he can't simply her off from he will be long gone. Tried and tested method... Works well on bullies too.

SMTWTFS · 08/11/2023 14:36

If you ban him then you might as well kiss goodbye to a relationship with your DD. She's gonna see him if that's what she wants to do.