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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stay or Go?

34 replies

ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:07

Just that really. I’ve been living overseas with my husband and kids for over ten years and have dealt with some serious health issues in the last few years including a diagnosis of breast cancer. I’ve got through this which has been tough away from family and friends. I’m concerned about the impact on my husband who would be moving from his home country to mine and all the other issues that kids and pets bring into the mix. I just don’t feel that I’m going to make really close friends here after being unwell for so long, I think I’m very isolated and depressed. I’m also worried about being a long way away from my parents as they get older. My husband has got hobbies and is building up his friendships here but I just don’t have the heart to. So really it’s a WWUD rather than a AIBU… Please give me good advice.

OP posts:
Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:08

You’ve been there a decade?

Original poster
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:09

We’ve moved several times. Got here just before Covid and then I got sick.

OP posts:
Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:10

would your husband even want to move back?

how old are your children? Are they happy?

Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:10

Is this for his work that you have moved so regularly?

Original poster
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:11

Husband has never lived in my home country. His job prospects are better where we are. Children are now independent, they are studying and travelling.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:12

Pets are another issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:13

One move for my work, the last move was for him. We aren’t near any of his family either. I feel like we don’t have the best of either world.

OP posts:
2jacqi · 08/11/2023 08:15

@ShouldIstayorgogogo so it was alright for you to move from your home country?? he should move and be considerate of your feelings for a change

Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:22

ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:11

Husband has never lived in my home country. His job prospects are better where we are. Children are now independent, they are studying and travelling.

How long have you been married

Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:24

Why are pets an issue?

Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:24

2jacqi · 08/11/2023 08:15

@ShouldIstayorgogogo so it was alright for you to move from your home country?? he should move and be considerate of your feelings for a change

How on earth have you extrapolated that?

Original poster
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:24

Thanks @2jacqi I’d like to spend some time with my parents as they get older. My Mum is on her own and is vulnerable. She was in hospital last year and I was trying to help her over the phone. Not ideal. Not being able to see my parents whilst going through treatment has been horrible.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:26

@Giantgold We’ve been married over twenty years. We have pets that would need to go through quarantine and a long journey.

OP posts:
Lochroy · 08/11/2023 08:27

Quite a few gaps in the info!

So you're somewhere you've been for ~3.5 years and you'd rather be in your home country.

If you don't move to your home country, what's the next move likely to be?

How feasible is such a move for jobs? Where are your children?

Pets can move. Don't worry about them. Unless you have a polar bear or and elephant.

Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:29

In the first decade of your marriage - did you live in yours or his home country?

Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:30

We have pets that would need to go through quarantine and a long journey.

well yes they would. Are you saying that would stop you moving?

Original poster
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:32

If we don’t move back home we will stay here and I will have to deal with it. But I’m not happy. I feel very homesick.

Worried about the dogs. But I guess they would cope. Concerned about the stress on them, time and cost.

We’d find work but it will be harder and not as well paid as where we are.

I could travel home more frequently but it feels like I’m stuck in the middle and can’t settle. I’ve felt like this since covid and it’s not a good place mentally to be.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:33

@Giantgold it wouldn’t stop me but it’s a consideration. But I’ve got friends who have done this in the past. A friend shipped her cats to New Zealand and they were ok.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 08/11/2023 08:34

I live in a different country too It's definitely on you to make friends. You have to make the effort.

Join meet-up groups
Say yes to everything once
Get chatting with someone at the next table at a coffee shop
Get a job where you'll interact with people

Don't go back to Britain, your children have their lives there now. You would regret it. I'm sure

Get treatment for your depression

Original poster
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:35

@Giantgold neither. I’ve lived in two places in his country, he didn’t want to stay rural near his family so we moved to a city.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 08/11/2023 08:36

Your children are unlikely ro end up in the uk they have firmed their own lives. You would be apart from them if you moved

Original poster
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:37

Good advice @Maddy70 I do have a couple of friends here, but they are busy with kids and life. I was working but post cancer I’m recovering and still feel very unwell a lot of the time. I’ve been to the GP, on antidepressants, have a counsellor. I still feel very homesick and sad.

OP posts:
Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:37

Would I be right in thinking that you have floated this idea past your husband and he is not at all keen?

Giantgold · 08/11/2023 08:38

How old are you and your husband?

Original poster
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 08/11/2023 08:41

@Giantgold early fifties. He has said that he will move but he is concerned about it. He doesn’t think the economy is very good and knows he won’t earn as well there. Which I agree he is right about that. But we could sell our properties and use the money - we would probably have a small or no mortgage so I think it could be done.

OP posts: