Stay or Go?

[ShouldIstayorgogogo]

Just that really. I’ve been living overseas with my husband and kids for over ten years and have dealt with some serious health issues in the last few years including a diagnosis of breast cancer. I’ve got through this which has been tough away from family and friends. I’m concerned about the impact on my husband who would be moving from his home country to mine and all the other issues that kids and pets bring into the mix. I just don’t feel that I’m going to make really close friends here after being unwell for so long, I think I’m very isolated and depressed. I’m also worried about being a long way away from my parents as they get older. My husband has got hobbies and is building up his friendships here but I just don’t have the heart to. So really it’s a WWUD rather than a AIBU… Please give me good advice.

How far are you from where your mum is?

I'm just thinking as I read your follow up posts, that I'd be concerned moving might not fix the issues. I don't want to sound mean, but if you've been away for so long, you'd be in a similar position to the one you are now in terms of having to start from scratch with friends, hobbies, activities and so on. You've had a hell of a lot to deal with, it's no wonder it's tough, but given Covid and your illness, do you think you've truly given your current home a good shot?

There's no point in staying put if you're unhappy, but I'm not sure if moving is the answer?

@Lochroy I’m thousands of miles away. She’s UK and I’m Australia. I was very, very unwell. I ended up in the critical care unit. I could have died and it came on the back of other ongoing health issues. So I feel quite mortal and shaken by it all.

When I’ve visited my home town before I’ve just slotted back in with my friends. But of course it’s been as a holiday and I’m not back very often so I think people make the effort to catch up so I know it would probably be different if I was there all the time. My husband is happy for me to visit every year and family are happy for me to stay with them but I would like to feel settled. Although maybe I’m not going to feel that anywhere at this point.

Thank you for being kind and for your reply.

I think you would be utterly bonkers to move back to the UK under any circumstances, but particularly as a 50yo who has been very ill. Health care in the UK is terrible now and more likely to get worse not better, even with a change of government. All of our doctors and nurses are going to Canada/Australia/NZ etc. Waiting lists are off the scale, appointments regularly cancelled at short notice, people finding it impossible to even see a gp.

The most important valuable resource we have are people… go home to your mum and family, you need each other now, you can become a source of comfort to one another.

You deserve and need some cheering up and to be accommodated in this time after what you’ve been through! Money and earning power isn’t everything, if there’s a low mortgage and no rent to think about, you’ll be better off than most. And your health depends on your quality of life and meaningful connections with loved ones. x

@CalistoNoSolo agreed. This is one of my concerns. If I go home and something else pops up, I think I’d be unlikely to survive it.

But @PramPusherCentral you’ve hit the issue completely on the head. I want to be with my people.

It’s a huge gamble either way.

If I go home I think I will be happier. But financials , my marriage and maybe even healthcare may suffer. Just so torn.

I think you also need to take into account your own children. They will have much worse prospects if they are forced to move to the UK, and if they are old enough to stay in Australia, you may well be swapping many years with your children for a few years with your parent. It's a tough call, you have my sympathy.

You really need to think this through. I know you’ll have your mum if you move back home but after you’ve been gone for 20 years, don’t think all the friends you had will still always be around and available as people will obviously have their lives too.
However if you move here and your children decide not to move, in some years time, this will be you and them as well but they may not be keen to come and live in the UK with you if they’ve lived most of their lives in Australia. Invariably, you may end up with just you and dh and annual visits with your children as you two get older. Think about all these, when you retire and if you’ll get pension, with your health, will it be better if you’re in the UK or there, etc

Your children are late teens? Early twenties

I know you say they’re travelling but what happens when they… stop?

you may be close to your aged parents but you’ll be on the opposite side of the world to your young adult kids

If I go home I think I will be happier. But financials , my marriage and maybe even healthcare may suffer.

I think you need to reread this OP.