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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd hysterical when trying to get her to Pre school

31 replies

Jesusitsfreezing · 07/11/2023 21:26

Dd is 5 and at pre school, she’s bright, confident and outgoing, has lots of friends at Pre school, friends from on our street etc. She was ok there until a few weeks ago when she started saying she didn’t want to go and getting really upset at night. She said she kept getting her *Work wrong and the teacher telling her off and telling her it was wrong. I may have posted about it, I’m not sure. I ended up speaking with the teacher who said my Dd cries because she doesn’t want to finish her work as she only wants to play. Dd tells me she gets told off if she does the wrong colour etc and that she doesn’t understand what to do (she’s learning the language, we live abroad)
Shes just been on school holidays and was due back today, she’s been saying during the holidays she doesn’t want to go to school. She got dressed today and it seemed ok, we were just getting into the car to go when she got hysterical, very very upset and was saying she didn’t want to go. I didn’t know what to do, I was trying to make her go but she was really so so upset, it felt quite traumatic. She ended up staying off as I couldn’t force her like that. Tonight she’s got all anxious again and said she doesn’t want to go ever again and hat she keeps getting angry when she’s doing her work (Dd getting angry at herself) as she keeps doing everything wrong. I’m noticing her confidence slipping away, she needs to go to school but I’m so worried about her, what do I do?

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Original poster
Jesusitsfreezing · 07/11/2023 21:28

*That she

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Ponoka7 · 07/11/2023 21:29

Is there anyway of delaying until she's more fluent in the language?

3WildOnes · 07/11/2023 21:30

Are there other schools? A more nurturing one maybe?

Odingodof · 07/11/2023 21:31

I vividly Remeber those years. More so than primary actually.

I would back her up and tell her she doesn't have too. It sounds awful something bad seems to have happened

Original poster
Jesusitsfreezing · 07/11/2023 21:35

@Odingodof I know 🥲I feel so guilty for trying to make her go this morning, my mum advised If I let her off she’ll never go back, but she was so upset.
What can I do then, can’t keep her off all the time

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Original poster
Jesusitsfreezing · 07/11/2023 21:36

@3WildOnes Not really, only private and I can’t afford it sadly. She has great friends there, we know the parents, her neighbour friends go there, it’s within walking distance etc

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Original poster
Jesusitsfreezing · 07/11/2023 21:37

@Ponoka7 She’s doing really well at the language through playing with her friends there though

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Spirro · 07/11/2023 21:42

My DS suddenly decided he didn’t want to go to preschool and started crying every morning. I backed him up and didn’t make him go there again. Would you like to be forced to go someplace that scared you? If your child tells you they don’t like a place, believe them. I still think there was some sort of incident that made him scared.

I switched him to a different preschool where he was very happy and never cried again when I dropped him off.

Odingodof · 07/11/2023 21:46

It's a crucial age though for feeling secure? Her mum she trusts surely unless your back is against the wall in desperate circumstances, shouldn't be forcing her to go somewhere she's screaming not to?

I'd keep her off and investigate. Then look to move her but see what's going on.
Come to an agreement with her.

Original poster
Jesusitsfreezing · 07/11/2023 21:47

@Spirro I am completely backing her up, she didn’t go in, I feel horrendous about her being so upset, I just didn’t want to go, my worry was the more I let her not go, the easier it would be for her not to if that makes sense
This is worrying me so much. It’s not as simple as choosing another place, it feeds into the school she’s supposed to be doing to in September. Do I take her out until September? She’s so happy with her friends etc, not the teacher, I don’t know what to do

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Original poster
Jesusitsfreezing · 07/11/2023 21:50

@Odingodof I know. My instinct was not to do that, my mum (a lovely kind mum) was saying she should go to school as she’ll never go in, I should’ve just done it my own way. She knows I have her back though, we’ve talked lots, I’ve spoken to the teacher lots. I will see how she is in the morning. She’s asked if the teacher can just send work to us and we do it at home 🥲
There are two other classes in the Pre school part, would seeing if I could move her to another of those classes make a difference? (The other teachers speak good English and seem much nicer and calmer)

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MotherEarthisaTerf · 07/11/2023 21:51

It sounds fucking terrible, I wouldn’t send my DD there.

what the fuck is a ‘wrong colour’ in a preschool?!

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/11/2023 21:52

MotherEarthisaTerf · 07/11/2023 21:51

It sounds fucking terrible, I wouldn’t send my DD there.

what the fuck is a ‘wrong colour’ in a preschool?!

This.

And why were they just allowed to play?

Original poster
Jesusitsfreezing · 07/11/2023 22:24

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow Sorry what do you mean why were they just allowed to play?

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Original poster
Jesusitsfreezing · 07/11/2023 22:26

@MotherEarthisaTerf I agree, I’m completely shocked by the teacher, everything else she enjoys, all her friends are there, it’s such a shame

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WillowCraft · 07/11/2023 22:31

I would try to get her moved to one of the other classes. Another option would be to keep her at home until September.

Failing that talk again to your daughter and to the teacher and see if there's a solution.

It sounds like the teacher is the problem here. I don't see any point forcing her unless you desperately need her to go for childcare reasons

Original poster
Jesusitsfreezing · 07/11/2023 22:36

@WillowCraft My worry is it’s a lot of time at home at this age when she should be socialising with lots of children etc
She loves that and needs it, she has lots of friends but obviously during the day, they’re at Pre schools themselves.
Also if I take her out, I’m not sure if she’ll be as able to carry on to the school after that in September.
The teacher is turning it around and saying it’s because she comes in part time not full time and saying she only wants to play. My Dd has told me the reason she’s upset is because she doesn’t know what to do, she tries to do it and gets told off because it’s wrong, She’s now become so anxious to do activities at all and at home won’t do any writing (name etc ) even though I do it in a fun way, she used to love learning

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jesshomeEd · 07/11/2023 22:47

See if you can switch classes first.

If not then I'd consider giving her a break and starting again with school in September.
See if you can get a babysitter that speaks the local language.

junbean · 07/11/2023 22:49

Is there an international school she can go to? Those are more sensitive to language learning.

NotMyCircusAnymore · 07/11/2023 22:49

Speak to the teacher? It sounds like the teacher may have no idea how her criticism is affecting your DD?

NotMyCircusAnymore · 07/11/2023 22:52

It's a natural and normal response for children to be afraid of displeasing the adults around them and if the teacher was critical, your DD may have somehow conflated in her mind that the teacher is "angry" with her? I think it's important to speak to the teacher , maybe teacher needs to speak a bit more gently to your DD? Sometimes adults can appear to be scary to little children and not realise the impact they have?

I was terrified of some of my teachers at school . Feared making them angry as I was a sensitive child. I think often adults don't always know how they are coming across .

Original poster
Jesusitsfreezing · 07/11/2023 23:07

I’ve spoken to the teacher three times now, she puts it back on my Dd and says that she just wants to play and not do the activities and that she must respect routines. I’ve said to her the reason she doesn’t want to do the activities is because she’s so anxious to get it wrong! She won’t listen and says she’s trying to prepare my Dd for the next school year and that she doesn’t tell her off …so is my Dd lying?? She’s not, I know that she’s not

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Original poster
Jesusitsfreezing · 07/11/2023 23:09

@NotMyCircusAnymore She definitely needs to speak more gently to her. She’s taking no responsibility and just blaming my dd
The other two teachers in the other classes are very calm and kind and speak fluent English, I’m not sure the school would accept a change of class though??

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NotMyCircusAnymore · 07/11/2023 23:09

@Jesusitsfreezing I'm sure she not lying, children that age don't know how to lie. Maybe a different school is needed? Perhaps your DD is a bit young for the work they're doing?

Original poster
Jesusitsfreezing · 07/11/2023 23:10

@NotMyCircusAnymore Its just arts and crafts as is Pre school work, she’s fine with this if she knows what she’s doing
i agree she’s not lying, so the teacher must be?

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