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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sick of constantly being made to feel guilty

43 replies

confusedlots · 07/11/2023 07:13

I'm so sick of it. My dad is disabled and we see them when we can, but life is also busy with 2 young kids and a job and a home. We spent a whole day with him and my mum last week, but then I'm made to feel guilty when I'm leaving that we didn't plan to stay longer.

Now DH is making me feel guilty because I have something on this weekend but he wanted to invite his parents for a family lunch, so now clearly it's all my fault and I won't be able to enjoy the thing that I had planned because it's impacting everyone else.

I'm just so sick of it. I can't have any boundaries or occasionally do something for myself without being made to feel like this. Does anyone else get this?

OP posts:

Ibravedaflood · 07/11/2023 07:14

He can still host his family can't he?

TwilightSkies · 07/11/2023 07:14

He can have his parents for lunch, you don’t have to be there. Unless….you’re the one expected to all the work for it.

BoohooWoohoo · 07/11/2023 07:16

I'm confused.... why can't he host a lunch while you do your thing?

Rjahdhdvd · 07/11/2023 07:17

Also would say he can have his parents for lunch.
I would say to your parents that you’ve spent the day and now they’re making you feel bad, doesn’t have to be hostile but it does help to point out how people are acting

TeaKitten · 07/11/2023 07:17

These boundaries start right now, but you have to put them in yourself. You have plans and he is a grown adult who can host his own parents for lunch. Do not stay for it.

Dacadactyl · 07/11/2023 07:18

Well there does have to be some give and take.

Tell your parents that it's too much to be there and you don't appreciate feeling guilty.

If you have plans, tell DH well in advance so that he knows not to invite his parents round. Alternatively, he can plan/make the dinner for them, or change the plans so that you can all go out and then just have your inlaws round for a cuppa later.

Wonderously · 07/11/2023 07:19

He hosts his own family and you do your thing.

underneaththeash · 07/11/2023 07:19

They're your parents, just tell them straight that you've already spent lots of time with them.
You DH can either cook himself or put another date in the diary.

ilovelamp82 · 07/11/2023 07:22

Why can't he host his parents for lunch? Is it because he expects you to do all the work.

It sounds like you need to work on yourself here a little. It is hard to train yourself not to be a people pleaser but if no one else is going to carve out time for you to do something for yourself, then you must. Looking after yourself is the most. Important part of looking after other people. Don't feel guilty. You have to really tell yourself this on repeat.

Original poster

confusedlots · 07/11/2023 07:26

I'd be happy for him to have his parents round himself and he'd be happy to do the cooking. But I'm still made to feel bad for not being there for a 'family occasion' even though we see them a couple of times a month so it's not a rarity.

There was one day we had been invited to his parents for lunch and I had a really big deadline for work that I was behind with and was quite stressed about it so I said I'd stay at home and have some peace to get on with it. I was made to feel so guilty for not going, for not being organised enough to have been further on with the work so I could enjoy the time with his family, I spent the whole day just feeling generally crap about it all that I could hardly find the motivation to get on with my work.

So yes he could host and I could do my own thing, but it's the fact that I'd be made to feel bad about it and then it's so hard to actually enjoy the day. I'm just feeling so sick of it.

OP posts:

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 07/11/2023 07:31

Can't you just tell him and PIL that you already have plans? He can either go ahead alone or you can plan it another time. Stop feeling guilty and just do a grey rock if he tries to make you feel guilty. 'Ah yes I already have plans but we can either do it X time or you go ahead by yourself.'

Crimpolene · 07/11/2023 07:32

You need to learn to live with your guilt. Your parents may be unhappy with their difficult situation and are taking it out on you- nothing you do is enough etc

Your husband doesn’t want to do the work to host his parents so is taking it out on you.

I would take a very hard line with your husband - this is in the diary and he needs to either cancel or do himself.

With your parents maybe say next time they have a dig, I’m doing my best, I am sure you remember what it’s like with a young family etc

Quit the guilt OP

Offcom · 07/11/2023 07:45

Is the parental vibe more “You’re a bad person for not staying longer” or “We wish you didn’t have to go so soon”?

I only ask because when any comment about length of visits comes up it feels like I’m being judged and I suspect that’s to do with my internalised feelings of always being wrong and disappointing etc. rather than someone wanting me to experience a sense of guilt, so I wonder if it’s the same for you.

Anyway, sympathies for the busyness, hope you get some guilt-free time to yourself

Hollyhead · 07/11/2023 07:59

Honestly you have to deal with this logically, you know you’re a busy person doing your absolute best. You can’t do any more, so just quash those feelings of guilt - it’s pointless and pathetic. When you feel guilty immediately reframe it with a voice that says ‘fuck off guilt, I spent a whole fucking day with them when I don’t have time and I’d have rather been doing x, i’m fucking awesome not guilty’ I also think guilt rolls off our tongues so easily even when we’re not feeling it just because everyone talks about feeling guilty all the time.

Hibiscrubbed · 07/11/2023 07:59

“Just fuck off with the guilt trip, I’m sick of it. Grow up. You don’t need me there every time.”

Same could be said to both to be honest.

Uncooperativefingers · 07/11/2023 08:06

Can I ask who makes you feel guilty?

Is it your DH, in which case a sharp conversation is required. Or both sets of parents? Which is stranger that they both have the unacceptable habitat. Or is it your own expectations that family time tops everything and then beat yourself up when it can't?

FetchezLaVache · 07/11/2023 08:08

Would he feel guilty if you invited your parents round for lunch on a day he'd already made plans and insisted on honouring them? Would you expect him to?

If not, why is it different for you? Female conditioning to put others first? Fuck that noise. Quite simply, he either invites his family to lunch on a different weekend, or it goes ahead without you.

Is it possible your DH has deliberately picked a weekend when he knows you have plans as a way of sabotaging you?

TheOneWhereWeDontGiveAPhuck · 07/11/2023 08:10

How are you made to feel guilty about it? What is said to you? By your DH and your parents?

Ibravedaflood · 07/11/2023 09:59

Do your own thing. Ride out the guilt.. Again am again if necessary.. It will pass. Your ils feelings and dh's don't trump yours....

Slipknotted · 07/11/2023 10:05

No one can ‘make’ you feel guilty, OP. Feeling guilty is a choice. Other people may attempt to make you prioritise their wishes, and try to punish you for not doing so, but you’re at liberty to refuse to take on their version of what the situation requires.

Prioritise yourself this weekend and make the decision to enjoy it. Other people can choose to spend the weekend exactly as they like.

Acornsoup · 07/11/2023 10:13

You need to stop wearing the guilt. You can only do so much and you do deserve some time for yourself. If you are being asked to do too much take a step back and do less until you are comfortable with it. Don't feel guilty. Just say sorry I can't do that this week. You DH can do the parents on his own. Does he hold you hand with all of your tasks?

Original poster

confusedlots · 07/11/2023 16:27

I've always been a people pleaser and it's one thing I'm working on by trying to establish boundaries and by trying to get people to understand that my feelings and wishes are just as important as everyone else's.

I would just love DH to say go on ahead with your plans, and leave it at that. Instead I'm being questioned why I don't want to spend time with his parents (not the case at all) and it's clear he's annoyed I'm not putting them all first. I know I should just ignore it but it makes me feel like shit and takes the enjoyment out of my own plans.

And after a really nice day with my own mum and dad, it would be nice if they just said that they'd had a great day and we must do it again soon. Instead I get told that I should have made time to spend longer with them.

Yes maybe I'm being sensitive, but I'm sick of the negativity and the constant implications that I'm never doing enough for everyone else. But no one ever thinks about me!

I know many of you would just brush it off, but it's really getting to me.

OP posts:

TheOneWhereWeDontGiveAPhuck · 07/11/2023 16:32

Honestly a lot of it does sound like it's you, and how you interpret. The more you confidently set a boundary, the more people will realise you're not a push over.

Acornsoup · 07/11/2023 16:33

He's using guilt to make you change your plans OP. Because that's how he gets you to do what he wants. Just do what you want to. Don't know why it would make anyone mad or sad? Don't they want you to be happy too?

Maray1967 · 07/11/2023 16:41

You need to have some firm words with them all - or you’re likely to explode. In fact, I’d tell your DH that. Quit guilt tripping me or I’ll hit the roof.

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