Sick of constantly being made to feel guilty

[confusedlots]

I'm so sick of it. My dad is disabled and we see them when we can, but life is also busy with 2 young kids and a job and a home. We spent a whole day with him and my mum last week, but then I'm made to feel guilty when I'm leaving that we didn't plan to stay longer.

Now DH is making me feel guilty because I have something on this weekend but he wanted to invite his parents for a family lunch, so now clearly it's all my fault and I won't be able to enjoy the thing that I had planned because it's impacting everyone else.

I'm just so sick of it. I can't have any boundaries or occasionally do something for myself without being made to feel like this. Does anyone else get this?

If you do it, and follow through, cheerily getting on with your own work or activity, he’ll get the message. If you get upset, he knows he made an impact and he’ll keep doing it …

It's not about 'brushing it off' OP, it's about making a conscious decision to not take their opinions/guilt tripping on board and having confidence in your (perfectly reasonable) boundaries. As a former people pleaser myself I can tell you that people soon stop with the guilt etc once you show them you're not taking their shit anymore, and that its absolutely true that people treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. If you respect yourself, and your right to have boundaries and an opinion of your own, people will fall in line and reflect that respect back to you.

It won't change instantly so it's understandable you're feeling got at right now but it's really important you don't show it. Behave as though your DH is being ridiculous (he is) and you genuinely don't understand why he's making a fuss about nothing, be bright and breezy about your plans and his options (host himself or rearrange) and refuse to get dragged in to the guilt trip. The less you show they're getting to you the less people will bother trying

Definitely start to change your mindset. Don't feel guilty for having something planned but tell DH to enjoy some time with his parents. I made a conscious decision not to take on my DH's stress and it took some doing but I did manage to retrain myself not to feel I need to be stressed because he is. You are allowed to be a person in your own right.

No one can make you feel anything.

I think your feelings are very valid. Your parents are guilt tripping you and trying to make you responsible for their happiness.

Your DH should be happy to take the kids to his parents or have them to your house and host himself - no more than you would be happy to do that with your own parents.

DH is making it your problem and it really isn't.

Your kids are 50% his and 50% his DNA.
Therefore, some of the time, he can look after the kids and host his parents, it doesn't have to be a 'family' thing all the time.
That's just not reasonable.

Stick up for yourself, even if it's uncomfortable to set the boundaries.
It's only hard the first few times you do it, you will get more comfortable with making space for yourself and DH will come to find it the norm as well.

DH's relationship with his kids might even improve when you are not there!
That is a very strong likelihood.

You've married someone who's just like your parents, OP. You learned how to feel guilty at your parents' knees and you've tried to make them happy ever since. Now your husband is treating you in exactly the same way.

There's no reason why you should be with your in laws that day, especially when you see them every couple of weeks. Hold your ground and say you'd organised it and you're going to do it.

And you might want to look at counselling to see how to stop people-pleasing.

A good man wouldn't guilt you like that, particularly when you have so much going on.

Your parents you will just have to suck up probably, say something if you want to.

But your husband making you feel bad will and is souring your marriage.

Stop laying down and being a people pleaser in your marriage.

Tell him to give over and that it makes him sound whiney when he tries to guilt you.

Alternatively start giving him some of it back.

I doubt such a whiney man is perfect.

Look at some counselling for sure if you can.

It would be a better use of your time than with your inlaws.

As @OhComeOnFFS rightly states, you have married your parents🤢

Guilt-tripping other people is a form of controlling behaviour. I agree with PP who say you need to have firmer boundaries. It’s really difficult at first, but after the first three times you start to get used to setting boundaries and your family start to get used to hearing them. You will feel less guilty when you understand that guilt-tripping is unreasonable behaviour.

trying to get people to understand that my feelings and wishes are just as important as everyone else's.

Abandon this part of your mission.

You will get push back when trying to establish boundaries. You will not get people agreeing that you do enough and are as important as they are - they're used to walking all over you and you rushing to please them - while probably not bad people, the change is not one they're going to like or approve of.

But they will get used to it. Keep going.

You are still your own person.
Go and enjoy yourself.
A healthy healthy relationship is one where we have our own time.
No guilt required! It is perfectly acceptably none guilt ok and vital for your! Go buy a new dress and take extra me time!
I ditched my family for a lunch last weekend, it was lovely, I felt so happy to go back to my mum space.
Dh can host or sort out his own family and encourage you to be living your life well balanced! Grrr at him.

All the time. My mum is very ill. But I don't have children so naturally my sister (one DC 50/50 with dad) thinks I have nothing better to do than sit with mum 24/7.

I have a demanding career but that's not an excuse apparently. Sister barely works at all.

I can relate OP.
One of my parents is disabled and I see them 3 x week, spending around 2-3 hours each time and still my DM will say 'oh you're leaving already? You've only just got here!' Yes, I should be able to tell her to stop saying that and stop trying to make me feel guilty but I still FEEL guilty for trying to get on with my own life!

Some days, I just want to cry and scream "FFS! I give up 2 afternoons and a Saturday morning for you already!! Why is it never fucking enough for you?!?!?" But I don't because she'll die at some point and I'll never live with the guilt of saying something So horrible.

But it's how I feel 🤷‍♀️so I get how you feel sick of the guilt feeling. 💐

The more often you put your boundaries in place and stick to them, the easier it will be. If there are any PA comments or guilting, you will have to tell whoever is doing it to knock it off.

Now DH is making me feel guilty because I have something on this weekend but he wanted to invite his parents for a family lunch, so now clearly it's all my fault

Are you away for the weekend or just busy on one day? Could you do lunch with them on the Sunday if you’re out on the Saturday?

TBH, I would ignore the guilt and let DH crack on with his parents-say you’re going to Centre parcs with x (or whatever you’re doing) and it’s been arranged for ages.

This is exactly how I feel, thank you for being someone I can relate to!

' you know I love spending time with your parents dh, unfortunately you've chosen to invite them when I've already got other plans. I'll just have to see them next time, this time you can enjoy some quality one on one time with them, do make sure you tell them how sorry I am that was already spoken for this weekend before you'd planned the get together.' You matter too op x