To still be furious at my parents for guilt tripping my son

[EmmaAsking]

Two weeks ago I stayed at my parents house over night with my toddler. They live about an hour away so he'd fallen asleep in the car and was quite grumpy and screamy when we arrived as he'd been woken up. They made some snipey comments about him clearly not being pleased to see them. The next day he was overdue a nap as I was trying to leave (and he was being clingy and they didn't even think about offering to help distract him or gather our stuff together), and he had another meltdown. My mum essentially told him off, saying he should stop crying because he was making her and grandad feel very sad. I asked her not to guilt trip a two year old into pretending to feel happy, and she replied that he was nearly three. My dad then added that it wasn't fair on them if he's screaming when he arrives and then again when he leaves.
I'm still furious with them.
Am I being unreasonable?

They need to get a grip and appreciate he is a toddler, not an adult!

YANBU at all, toddlers gonna toddler.

I dont think she's said anything wrong by saying stop crying you're making Nan and Grandad feel sad...surely just a term said to a child to try and stop them crying.

Everyone is a bit unreasonable here. They had unrealistic expectations of how toddlers behave. That being said, to be “furious” and use emotionally loaded terms like guilt tripping is overreacting. Your son won’t remember or give a shit that he’s made granny and grandad feel sad. This isn’t worth falling out with your parents over.

Bit over the top reaction.

you need a thick skin as a parent. Brush it off - it won’t matter when he’s an adult and it’s not worth losing relationships over.

Not great grandparenting off them but perhaps they've forgot how young two is.

However you are over reacting. He's not going to start burying his feelings as he lives his damaged life, he's two. He doesn't understand what they're actually saying to him.

Your parents sound quite self-absorbed and emotionally immature. But I imagine you’ve seen this before. Perhaps that’s why you’ve had a strong reaction. A reasonable reaction imo by the way.

Is a two year old really going to have that good comprehension they feel guilt-tripped? Surely they'd just be reacting to the tone of voice of the person speaking? Might not have been the best thing to say but can't see that it's that big a deal tbh especially not to be furious about 2 weeks later

Absolutely not being unreasonable. I'd be angry too.

Your all being unreasonable tbh

I think they were disappointed that the visit had such discordant moments and you're narked that your son behaved in a way that encouraged them to speak to him negatively - you've overreacted as a consequence. The only one who comes out of it all ok is your son who will have no idea about the upset his quite natural behaviour has caused. You want them to love your little toddler unconditionally and the gentle criticism has upset you. I'd let it go.

Agree

Storm in a teacup, let it go

They are making it all about them. I would scale down the visits to them. They are the losers! You have no reason to feel guilty

I remember my mum making a comment about my 2 year old being manipulative (?) and I had to ask my dad to stop fake crying (?) around him. I totally get where you are coming from OP- it's not up to a toddler to control their emotions to save someone else's and it doesn't matter if your child will remember or not, it sets a precedent of how they interact.

They sound like hard work. 'Not fair on them', he's a toddler. At the momemt your toddler most likely won't remember their behaviour but I wouldnt like them framing his normal toddler behaviour in a eay that makes it about them. I probably havent written that very well but hopefully you see what I mean. Ut sets a precedent.

My dd is 2.5, we only visit my parents in the holidays and often she won't even go to them for a cuddle, instead clings to one of us. My mum and dad will talk to her and play games and just say that there is no point taking or making her give a cuddle she doesn't want to give. They know she loves them, she will blow kisses from across the room.

What I would say is try to plan your trips or visits according to your child's routine. We often travel in the morning after breakfast and if dd2 is due a nap in the afternoon I would travel back just before it so she could sleep on the way home or if not then let her have an hours rest before I woke her up.

@Perfect28 I had that also, once my dd was clearly upset and I was told she was fake crying.

I didn't like that one bit and had real insight into how her twisted brain worked. Unfortunately it wasn't a stand alone comment

Yy op id also feel uncomfortable that's all about them.
Obviously one understand their disappointment, they want to get closer to cute child but child is their own person and not a toy

This exactly, and also if you wanted them to help gather up your things or help to distract him then you could have asked them .

"your son behaved in a way to encourage them to speak negatively"

But he behaved like... A toddler. I think the point is they made it all about themselves. How about supporting mum?

This would have royally pissed me off too OP.

Parenting a young child often leads you to reappraise how you yourself were parented and to reveal some wounds. Perhaps your parents have behaved in a similar way to you in the past - eg expecting you to internalise/invalidate your own emotions because they are incapable of holding them.

I think it's absolutely reasonable to set a boundary around your child. No, he will not be told he has to suck it up for the sake of adults who should be capable of managing their own disappointment. It's the same principle as standing up for children when they don't want to be kissed or hugged. Small children do not exist to serve adults emotional needs and that behaviour from your parents needs nipping in the bud now.

Can you guilt trip a toddler? I mean developmentally?

Your toddler won’t understand what they said and certainly won’t remember it, but your parents are still twats. I wouldn’t be in a hurry to visit again if they can’t make you both welcome.

They've clearly forgotten what toddlers are like. My kids couldn't cope if they missed a nap or if their naps were interrupted. I got loads of comments from my family members or my in laws saying how naughty they were, when they were just exhausted! It really used to wind me up. Especially my in-laws. They live abroad where really small kids go to bed late so the kids were always sleep deprived there. My in-laws could never make the connection between the kids behaviour and lack of sleep.

I’m dreading being a Nan, people seem super sensitive about bloody everything these days.

I think you’re absolutely right to be upset OP.

No, your 2 year old will not remember this as many pp have said, however if it’s part of a pattern as he grows up where he gets told to stop crying/being upset/angry etc because it makes the adults in his life sad then it’s a lesson he will internalise.

my parents do the same with my boy and I have to remind them EVERY time that if he’s upset or angry it’s okay, to let him feel whatever he needs to and he’ll be fine in a few minutes, they don’t have to try to distract him from his emotions. I’ve also learned through the process that my mother in particular has some incredibly deep rooted emotional problems.

I feel the same about the whole “oh you’ll make Nanny sad” or “that’s not very nice” if a toddler refuses to give a kiss or a cuddle which my ex-MIL is famous for. Drives me bloody mad.
So I guess overall, as a one off, no it’s not going to cause damage, but needs nipping in the bud so it doesn’t become the norm.