To still be furious at my parents for guilt tripping my son

[EmmaAsking]

Two weeks ago I stayed at my parents house over night with my toddler. They live about an hour away so he'd fallen asleep in the car and was quite grumpy and screamy when we arrived as he'd been woken up. They made some snipey comments about him clearly not being pleased to see them. The next day he was overdue a nap as I was trying to leave (and he was being clingy and they didn't even think about offering to help distract him or gather our stuff together), and he had another meltdown. My mum essentially told him off, saying he should stop crying because he was making her and grandad feel very sad. I asked her not to guilt trip a two year old into pretending to feel happy, and she replied that he was nearly three. My dad then added that it wasn't fair on them if he's screaming when he arrives and then again when he leaves.
I'm still furious with them.
Am I being unreasonable?

I was just thinking the same! Plus - I genuinely don’t get the horror about speaking to a child negatively. I think it’s one of the best ways that children learn some social skills around conflict; they learn to see when they’ve irritated or annoyed someone in a “safe” setting and where they are loved whatever. But they learn the subtle cues and body language that are really helpful as an older child/adult. (This is especially valuable in a British context where people are not direct and will say “it’s fine” to your face while vowing silently never to have anything to do with you again.)

@WimpoleHat completely agree. It’s how they learn.

Wimploehat where do you think the 'British context' of saying it's fine to your face when it's obviously really not comes from???!

I know it's challenging for older people to interrogate the way they were brought up and the ways they raised their own children but the world moves on - there are far healthier ways to emotionally relate to each other if we are willing to do a bit of unpicking and not just reflexively/defensively dismiss it all as 'people being too sensitive'

where do you think the 'British context' of saying it's fine to your face when it's obviously really not comes from???!

Well - pretty obviously it’s a function of societal norms embedded over generations. But it’s not something that changes overnight or even with one generation. (And, in my experience, younger people are not less “conflict avoidant” or better able to deal with difficult people than anyone else.) Kids push boundaries. It’s what they do and it’s a natural part of growing up. Learning to recognise when you’ve irritated or annoyed someone is also part of growing up and will stand you in good stead for later life. (This is not encouraging kids to become people pleasers either; there are times when I may piss someone off and feel completely justified in having done so. But that’s a different thing from not realising that I have done…..)

A toddler is not responsible for managing an adult's emotions.

At some point the grandparents need to stop thinking that the world revolves around their hurty feels.