To wonder how the father feels about donor eggs/surrogates

[Monetm]

Just thinking about women in the public eye who have had babies unusually late (e.g. Hilary Swank giving birth to twins at 48, Cameron Diaz via surrogate in her 40s etc) obviously we don’t know the circumstances but statistically some of them are likely to be with donor eggs, and some of them are public about using a surrogate.

Given how many men seem to go for younger women, and the fact that a man in a position to attract e.g. a Hollywood star would probably be in a position to partner with a woman still of childbearing age even if he is older, AIBU overly cynical/unromantic about men to be a bit surprised that these men are apparently happy to partner with women who won’t be the biological mother of their child and/or might not be their birth mother? Is it just, taking the nicest interpretation, that they are in love with the woman and want to be a parent with them in whatever form that comes? Are they not really that fussed about the woman being the biological mother so long as they are the biological father? Or (being a bit cynical/negative) is it that the lifestyle they can have with a Hollywood actress or otherwise successful woman is enough to outweigh the woman’s fertility issues, at least for now?

I’d be quite interested in a male perspective if there are any men on the thread (but definitely interested in a female perspective as well)

Bump

People of all walks of life have children in many different forms and love them as their own.
Kinship fostering, fostering, adoption, surrogacy, sperm donation, egg donation.

Some people are okay with it, some people aren't.

It is what it is 🤷🏼‍♀️

Not all men want someone younger, but there's plenty of younger people in Hollywood who have had surrogates and probably egg/sperm donation too, although that isn't discussed...

I'm kind of unsure of your question as it comes across a bit like you're saying that if a women needs fertility help that her value is less than a "fertile younger woman".

Children born via surrogate or donor eggs/sperm are not "less than" or some kind of horrible, shameful compromise. You are being very unreasonable (and ignorant) to ask such a question.

I’m by no means a Hollywood actress but my partner loved me enough to stick with me through fertility issues (caused by me; not him) despite the fact all I could offer him was distinctly average looks, reasonable cooking skills, substandard effort in the bedroom, and a bad attitude.

Still, I’m pretty funny so it’s fine.

Im not sure exactly what your point is, but it’s rubbing me up the wrong way by implying that somehow those who are infertile are inferior.

I don’t agree with surrogacy as the answer to infertility but YABU to suggest that women are only attractive or worthy of a partner due to their ability to bear children but this perceived failure can be mitigated by them being famous and wealthy.
You have a very negative opinion of the worth of older women OP.

I don’t think most people would be especially troubled by that, would they? Why would they?

I meant to quote

to be a bit surprised that these men are apparently happy to partner with women who won’t be the biological mother of their child and/or might not be their birth mother?

OK MN being the way it is it probably won’t make any difference for me to post this, and the thread will fill up with angry replies, but: no I wasn’t suggesting that children conceived this way are less than or shameful or horrible (where on earth did I say that?) I have fertility issues myself and I may well need to use DE. I don’t think I’m being wildly eccentric to say that for me, the idea of having a child without a genetic link takes some adjusting to. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask how a partner might feel about it.

A woman's worth is not equal to her fertility. What should the men do? Just discard the old infertile woman as if she never mattered and go on to have children with a younger one? Your post is offensive in so many ways.

Right because this never happens.

You seem very angry about this OP and your posts have caused offence.

Donor eggs or surrogacy are not for everyone but couples feel differently when they love each other and want a family. I can say from experience that a donor conceived child is really every bit biologically your own.

Plenty of men either don't want children or already have some and are not planning to have more. So a partner's fertility would not be a relevant issue for them.

To wonder how the father feels about donor eggs/surrogates

So you think all fathers will feel the same? That a singular 'male perspective' exists?

I don’t think I’m being wildly eccentric to say that for me, the idea of having a child without a genetic link takes some adjusting to. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask how a partner might feel about it.

No it's not unreasonable to ask, but your initial question was quite negatively phrased. I do think there are a lot of other ways to ask the question that don't come off as so insulting to people that have gone that route. It's sad if you actually feel that it would be so unusual for a man to want to create a family with the woman that he loves even if they need to use DE or surrogacy to make it happen.

And now I will answer your actual question: I had twins through DE. It is the best thing I have ever done. My husband is happy with it because he loves his children and he loves our family. Also, he is happy that I am happy. My kids are my kids and I rarely think about the genetic connections. It's a non issue for me, except that I'm happy that they won't likely take on some of the unpleasant characteristics of some of my family members. (Only half joking.)

You're actually being really gross. What you did with posting this thread is invalidate my baby as being "really" mine, or somehow not good enough, because she doesn't share my DNA.

It's frankly pathetic. Adoption has been a thing for all of time. I really hope you don't have kids, because whichever of your offspring looks slightly less like you than the others is clearly not going to be the favourite child.

Personally, I don’t agree with using donor eggs/sperm or surrogacy, but it seems fairly obvious that the people that do must feel ok about it as they have gone ahead. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am a man in this situation and I dont care about genetics.

I am a man in this situation and I dont care about genetics.

That's fine. Sometimes the resulting children do though as they get older.

Different people have different views would you believe it

Sadly that does happen. It has happened to 2 of my friends and we’re just ordinary women who nobody knows! The only difference is that both men didn’t end up with much younger women, they just ended up with women who already had children, and had their own child with that woman. Whether those women were more ‘attractive’ because they had proved their fertility I doubt we’ll ever know.

I read OP's post about self-doubt in herself, not thinking she is worthy and having a cynical view of men that I assume is due to only dating horrible men.

For women who consistently end up with bad partners, it can be hard to imagine that decent men actually exist.

I think you need to work on yourself OP, and get help with the negative feelings about yourself and your low self-esteem.

AIBU overly cynical/unromantic about men to be a bit surprised that these men are apparently happy to partner with women who won’t be the biological mother of their child and/or might not be their birth mother?

This is possibly the most disgusting comment I’ve ever read.

DH and I both have fertility issues. Who knows, perhaps we both could have had children with other people. But we didn’t want to. It was our child or no child. And we are both happy with our childfree life now.

Genetics matter to some people.
I’m one of them. This doesn’t mean I would ever dream of commenting on someone else’s family situation. Other people are not me and it does no good to assume we all think the same way. But it does affect how I chose to build my family. I started youngish because I didn’t want to run out of time. If we’d have needed a sperm donor it probably would have killed the relationship because I wouldn’t have been able to consider my partner an equal parent if he wasn’t the bio father. I would rather have used a sperm donor to become a lone parent. I could never foster at the same time as having my own children in my home because it would feel different to me. I would always keep or abort an unplanned pregnancy and would never ever consider giving up my child for adoption. I would never ever consider donating my eggs or being a surrogate. And it’s a good thing I’m not a lesbian because that would have been a total headfuck and the only pattern I think I could have dealt with would be both mums have one child using the same donor so they are genetic half siblings. Even then, in my head I think I would love one child because they were mine and the other because they were my child’s sibling and my partner’s child.