Do you know any children in Kinship Fostering for no reason?

[whatwherewhywhenwho]

Or did you growing up? I think children being raised by grandparents or aunts is on the increase and wonder what your private thoughts are of those family set ups.

I grew up in kinship fostering despite having a completely normal mother who went on to raise other children in a traditional way a few years later. By completely normal I mean no drugs, or drink problem, or chaotic lifestyle. She was a young adult when she had me but an adult all the same.

As I grow older myself I'm only now realising how odd this must have looked to other people outside my family but I think as a child you just accept your own circumstances as your norm But it's pretty weird in hindsight?

Would you think my situation was strange?

Yes. It's not the norm. Are you able to ask them questions about why. Things are never done lightly. They might be hard answers to hear but you probably need to hear them. Do you know relate do family counselling - it might be good to have someone neutral to facilitate

I think it’s very hard to judge these things as no one ever really knows the full story apart from the adults involved.

Do you know the reason why your mother didn’t raise you? Is it possible there were reasons for the fostering that haven’t been shared with you?

There are no hard answers though. It's all just very matter of fact. I always knew she was my mum and everything, no secrets in the family just oh she was young and had to move to a different city to get a job. No big deal.

Thinking about it now I think well yes I do understand people want to move away to find better job opportunities. However it is very unusual to do that as a young single mum and leave the child behind you.

So it's now that it strikes me as odd!

This has happened a bit in my family.
My cousin had a baby in her late teens. That baby lived with my auntie when it was young.
The same auntie had her first child in her teens and her mum (My Nana) looked after the child.
It's just a way to make sure the children are cared for if the mother isn't quite mature enough to step up.
I hope you were well loved and cared for by your whole family OP

Did the babies in your family go back to their mums when they were a bit older and their mums were a little more mature, @unlimiteddilutingjuice ?

I know people in their 40s who were raised like this.

Mums were teens so the mum's mum raised them.

I think once the tax credit system came in/ better benefits for single mums/ abundant social housing lots more teen mums kept their babies to raise themselves.

So after that it tended to be only problem cases that became kinship care.

It's also different in different cultures.

I see this quite a lot, but it's because of my work. I don't think it's all that common, but not unheard of either.

Yes, In older childhood.

It happens a lot in some countries where parents have to travel to work and there is no welfare system. Children often stay behind with older relatives. It's not necessarily a good system but it's common. Not so much in the uk though.

I don't know any now but it was fairly common when I was a child for family to look after the child of a young single mother - my best friend at school was in that situation.

A friend of mine raised her cousin’s child. I can’t remember the exact ages involved but my friend was about 26 when her young teenage cousin got pregnant. The teenager didn’t want an abortion but wasn’t ready to raise a child either and after a bit of family chat my friend said she would raise her.

The first time I heard about it I was like whaaaaaat I did not know that kind of thing happened but later I thought it made sense for everyone and so much better than the alternatives.

My friends are raising their grandchild. The parents are young, split up when baby was one and quite frankly have lost interest. They were helping out a lot pre split then post the mum decided didn't want custody so their son moved back in with them with the baby and he just reverted to being a young adult going out etc. in the past year he's met someone else (as has his ex) and they now officially have kinship care and parental responsibility. Pretty sad for the little one that their parents don't want them

I think once the tax credit system came in/ better benefits for single mums/ abundant social housing lots more teen mums kept their babies to raise themselves.

Yes this was sort of how it was presented to me as the sensible choice. My mum's reason was well we would have been stuck in a council flat on benefits with no prospects if I'd raised you myself and it would have not been a good life for either of us.

My friend was raised by her grandmother. Her parents divorced and she describes it that her grandmother told her mother to 'leave her luggage here' (her two kids from first marriage) when she remarried.

My friend is around mid 40s, South Asian heritage if that makes a difference.

How old are you approximately OP? My father was in a similar situation but that was the 1960s/70s and his mother had to go away to work... He still knew who was who.

I was born in the 80's.

I had an old school friend who lived with her aunt and grandmother. Her mum, stepdad and half brother lived about 5 minutes walk away. I'm not sure but I think probably her mum also lived at the grandmother's with them until she remarried and my friend chose not to move out to stepdad's with her. Of course we were both children at the time I knew her so I may well not have the whole story. She did see her mum and little brother often just didn't live with them.

2 people in DHs extended family were raised by GPs. Their mum was young and met a new bloke who basically said "it's the kids or me". She picked him. This is going back decades though.

A school friend of mine was raised by her grandma, the mother had her young but had since gone on to have other children that lived with her. They had regular contact. At the time I didn’t really think about it much, but I do wonder about it occasionally now that I have gone on to have my own DC. My friend used to be very sad about it, and had got upset a couple of times.

my SIL (mid 40s) was raised by her grandmother and aunt. Her mum was only 18/19 when SIL was born (in another country). When SIL was still a baby she was left with Nana while her mum went back to other country to work. Her parents relationship did break down not long after, both mum and dad went on to marry and each have more children who are 15-20 years younger. They’re all very close but SIL calls her mum and dad by their first names.

I have another male friend similar age who was raised by grandma, again mum went on to have more children, 5+ years later, the first couple were with the same dad. Friend has a slightly exasperated view of his mum but there is lots of love there.

My colleague is a kinship carer for his granddaughter. She was around 13 when her mother met a new partner and went on to have 2 more kids in quick succession. She did not get on with the "step"Dad and needed peace and space to study for her exams so she moved in with her Grandparents.

I suppose it’s rarely going to be for no reason, is it? In some countries it’s a very economic reason - I’ve met lots of people who have left their child in their home country and moved to another country where they can earn money. In the UK in the past it could be an economic choice, but now is more likely to be around parenting capacity, isn’t it. Or interest in parenting.

I was doing family tree research and discovered that my great grandmother had an illegitimate child who she then left behind with her parents in the UK while she emigrated to South Africa, married & had more children. Often wondered if she told anybody about the child left behind in her new life.

It was quite common in my school. Several girls lived permanently with grandmothers . Their mothers were all still alive and living their lives elsewhere but I assume had been very young mothers.

I wonder if it was more normal then, if the mother was in full time work. There were fewer single mums, so the assumption that a woman can raise a child and hold down a full time job (which is almost impossible) wasn't as common as it is now. there was more realisation that she;d need help and can't do both.

My aunt lived with her grandparents until she was four. I think her parents just hadn't realised how full on parenthood was and weren't ready for it. But by the time they had my dad and my other aunt she was handed back to live in the family.

A friend at secondary school age 13 found out her older sister was her mum. Her “mum” suddenly wanted her to live with her and thats how it came out. It blew my friend apart, she went from being a very naïve girl both in terms of dress and knowledge. Her trendy mum began to dress her, tell her school wasn’t important, literally picking up random men as we’d walk home. These weren’t 17/18 year old characters but actual grown men in their 30s. Obviously she was pregnant by the time she was 14 and then in actual care. Her mum wasn’t interested and sadly the grandma was too done with the situation to repeat doing it again.