Not to go to my DH’s Christmas do again?

[Brownbearlooking]

Over the years I’ve gone to my DH’s Christmas do’s. I find them stressful as I’m an introvert and don’t really fancy making small talk to strangers but I’ve gone. We have autistic children and the youngest (11) has very complex needs (they’re non verbal, aggressive and challenging) and we don’t often go out at night because we’ve only got one set of parents who are willing to watch him and it causes him great distress when we both go out even with a lot of prep, it’s something we’re trying to build up to but he’s very challenging at the moment (he stabbed me in the hand with a fork this morning). My mum has put a lot of pressure on me to go in the past and claims it’s terrible I don’t go.

I work four and a half days a week. I’m knackered and most of the time feel like I’m barely functioning as a person. My work tend to have lunches with just the team rather than big full on parties.

Am I being selfish not to go? I feel like I should go but equally my DH is very sociable so tends to circulate and I’m left making awkward small talk.

You're not being unreasonable at all. Ask your DH if he really wants you there or if he would be happier mingling on his own. You might ask for a special night out on your own at some point to do something of your choice.

God your life sounds so hard. Do you get any respite apart from dh and DM?
No yanbu.

Not unless he desperately wants you to.

Life does sound tough OP, and being stabbed by a fork is.. not great.

Is your DH giving you enough support?

I doubt he is that bothered if you come. Just ask him and explain x

What does your DH say about it? Do all partners attend?

I usually take the view to suck it up but in your case i would want to save precious babysitting “tokens” for something that I actually wanted to do and was for quality one for my husband and I.

Dear Lord, don't go. Even without the children and their needs, who on earth would want to go and be a spare part at their other half's Xmas do?! I think I'd rather chop off my own arm!

If he just gads about mingling and you don't enjoy socialising/making small talk then yanbu!

Don't go and also I hope you can get a break soon.

Of course YANBU! I’m not sure I’d even want my partner at my Christmas do, or to go to his and we don’t have any children!

If you do not enjoy it then no need to go. It cannot be all couples there.

If you don't want to go don't go.
Neither of us were in the habit of going to works Christmas parties.

We have 2 asd and another sen you are absolutely not being unreasonable sometimes it is literally more hassle then it's worth

I don't go to my husbands and he doesn't come to mine. No interest in socialising with each others colleagues (and employees in DH's case as he runs his own business). YANBU

I wouldn't blame you for not going. I wouldn't go.

Quite apart from the distress it would cause your children, it doesn't sound like much fun anyway. It would be my idea of hell.

Give it a miss OP and spend the evening chilling with a friend over a curry or a pizza if your mum is still prepared to babysit.

I would not be wasting valuable childfree time making small talk with strangers if I didn’t get much of it. I’d rather see a mate!

YANBU

We rarely have work dos that allow partners anyway, as they’re meant to be for your work friends to meet up and have a laugh outside of work.

I’m sure there are plenty of partners don’t go (or dread going).

Make sure you get an evening out with a friend another night though because it sounds like you have a lot on your plate and could do with a break.

I have stopped going to my DH's work parties, I'm also an introvert and feel awkward making small talk. DH understands.

I wouldn't go! You are needed at home and your husband can cope without you at the party. Stay in and have a takeaway and put your feet up.

Goodness, I'd definitely be saving the precious babysitting for an evening out with my DH without all his work mates there too.

Thanks everyone. I didn’t go last year and I’m honestly not keen to go this year. My mum has said if she was my husband, she’d divorce me for not going. But if I leave my son, they’ll want a lot of instructions written down (his routine, his meds, what he will and won’t sleep in etc) and my older (neurotypical) daughter who is only 15 will have to help as well and for a night with a bunch of strangers, it doesn’t feel worth the stress of worrying about my son and the next day it has a knock effect for my son. We did go out to a concert in the summer without our son and my parents stayed and he hit them, became very distressed. Thankfully it was local and my husband stayed to calm him down before joining us later.

Your mum is being way out of line. She thinks not going to a Christmas party is grounds for a divorce? Who does she think cares if an employees wife doesn't attend a non compulsory social event? It's not a coronation or a close family members wedding

Does your DH want you to go? I think this is important.

Op, of course your mum wants you to have some fun in life. She’s probably heartbroken by how difficult life is for you and your little family. But probably for you in particular because you’re her girl and always will be.

Don’t go to the party, trust your instincts on whether it’s worth everything else that would go with it. But please try not to forget you and your husband as a couple in all of this and find some time for you to connect as a couple, as lovers, even if it’s in your own home when the children are in bed.

I’ve usually gone to DH’s but depending on what it is. Meals are so boring as I don’t really know his colleagues enough but drinks / party is fine as you can move about. He’s not bothered if I don’t go. Luckily my do is not for couples( school) so it’s not an issue. Ignore your mum OP it’s none of her business.

It’s a whole big evening of drinks, meal, DJ and it’s about an hour’s drive away. None of which holds any appeal to me especially with a bunch of strangers. My DH would like me to go but has said if I really don’t want to it’s fine. I’ve done some Christmas dos before (one where the boss thought it was great fun to have partner’s sat with other people’s partners, along with a weekend away for families which was hell as our son couldn’t cope).

We spend a fair amount of evenings together when my DH isn’t off doing his hobbies. I’m torn between wanting to support him by going v the stress of going as I really don’t want to. I don’t especially want to go to my own work’s Christmas lunch.