Not to go to my DH’s Christmas do again?

[Brownbearlooking]

Over the years I’ve gone to my DH’s Christmas do’s. I find them stressful as I’m an introvert and don’t really fancy making small talk to strangers but I’ve gone. We have autistic children and the youngest (11) has very complex needs (they’re non verbal, aggressive and challenging) and we don’t often go out at night because we’ve only got one set of parents who are willing to watch him and it causes him great distress when we both go out even with a lot of prep, it’s something we’re trying to build up to but he’s very challenging at the moment (he stabbed me in the hand with a fork this morning). My mum has put a lot of pressure on me to go in the past and claims it’s terrible I don’t go.

I work four and a half days a week. I’m knackered and most of the time feel like I’m barely functioning as a person. My work tend to have lunches with just the team rather than big full on parties.

Am I being selfish not to go? I feel like I should go but equally my DH is very sociable so tends to circulate and I’m left making awkward small talk.

Op, as the mum of a now adult son who is severely autistic but still at home with me I would be concerned about being one hour away from home in case of an emergency. It’s a long way to go to get home if there’s been a meltdown and someone may have been hurt.

We spend a fair amount of evenings together when my DH isn’t off doing his hobbies

Do you try and make it a bit of a special night in at times? And do you have any hobbies?

Your mother is way out of line calling your non-attendance at DH's Christmas do grounds for divorce!! I'd pull her up sharply on that and then ignore her.

God love you with a mother who needs to talk such twaddle.

In your place I wouldn't dream of going either.

I genuinely wouldn’t even consider it.

Both my sons have ASD and it’s only recently (now they are a bit older) that they are happy to stay overnight at my mums.

These overnights are rare and cherished - I wouldn’t be spending them at my own works do never mind my partners!

@ForfarBridie, mine are more outdoors based like walking so we go out and do it at the weekend for a few hours if we can and it gets my son out the house to try and get him some fresh air as he’d be on his iPad all the time otherwise. That and reading. Due to where we live it’s pretty boring. Unless I wanted to join the gym. So I’m home a lot. Especially as I work at home. My DH is usually out three nights a week.

I thought an hour was a bit far if our son was really upset and couldn’t be calmed down. The last two months especially his behaviour has been really hard at home and school. Lots of hitting, biting screaming. Our other child who is also autistic finds it very hard to deal with and I’m not sure I would want my parents in the middle of it if it because it’s difficult and my mum isn’t very patient and I’ll end up with a run down of how difficult they’ve been. DH and I have quite different views. He’s more of “it’ll be okay” even if it’s putting on someone else. I’d find it really hard to leave him if he was upset which in all likihood he will be. He’s 11 but has the mental age of a baby/toddler and social stories don’t really work with him so it would be hard to prepare him.

I would rather lick soap all evening than to an event like that, and DH wouldn't expect me to go either as he knows it's the kind of thing I loathe. Exactly what 'support' does he need, seeing he's a grown man interacting with his colleagues? Stay at home and order in a takeaway.

My mother is a pretty challenging person herself. Very concerned about what people think and when I was young she’d constantly compare me to others - why couldn’t I be more like X person. From a young age she would push me into doing things because she thought I should and it would look bad to others if I didn’t. She’s probably thinking that in some way it’ll look bad for my husband if I don’t go to his Christmas do. In reality I doubt anyone will care. I’m sure my DH thinks it would be fun but honestly I’d rather go for a long walk than watch people get drunk and dance all night. I also think I’d be on edge a lot of the night worrying about my son so I probably wouldn’t be great company.

I don't think the Christmas Party is the main issue here. The fact you feel you're barely functioning is.

Are there any charities or other organisations who can offer respite care? You risk burn out if not. You deserve a night out even if it's not the Christmas do.

Bugger what your mother thinks 😵‍💫
I went once to dh’s Christmas do, it was my idea of hell. I was on crutches because of a badly broken leg, the venue was up three flights of stairs and it was so noisy I couldn’t make out what anyone was saying (I’m deaf and I lipread, a lot.)
The other Christmas do he insisted I go to was his flying club. No one said a word to me all night, everyone got hideously drunk and I vowed that never, ever, again was I going to do it again.

@Jk987, unfortunately until you’ve been through several behaviour plans by your social services teams they won’t look at respite so says our social worker, they did “kindly” offer me another course on behaviour but it was 40 minutes away in the middle of my working day. The awful part is I know my son would be really stressed out by respite and I’d spend the entire time worrying. I have been assessing whether to continue working as I’m knackered and whether that’s what needs to give. The job I have now was originally full time all year round but I do four and a half days term time only, which is hard to find. There’s no holiday clubs anywhere in the local area so I need term time work and the role would be tricky as a part time role.

@JenniferJupiterVenusandMars, that sounds horrendous. You deserve a medal that you did another one after the first one!

Brownbear - your post of 17.41. I understand. I’ve been through it as well. It’s so difficult but you are well aware of your families needs and you should listen to yourself 💐

My mum has said if she was my husband, she’d divorce me for not going

But she's not your husband. What does your actual husband think?

Unless he's super-bothered (which warrants a conversation not a blanket You Must Go) then I'd save the effort and babysitting credit for something you'd both like to do and enjoy.

Or if your mum is sufficiently difficult that she'd bbaysit for this but not other things, take the time anyway to do something restorative for you. Noone needs to know apart from you and your husband.

To be honest my DH sounds similar in that he dislikes small talk and doesn't enjoy 'mingling' as it were, it's hard work when he comes along to events with me- I'd be delighted in some ways if he didn't want to. Have you asked your DH? You're not unreasonable to not want to go anyway, but he might not be arsed anyway (not meant in a horrible way...).

@Peablockfeathers, he’s said it would be nice if I came but I would understand if I didn’t want to. He’s super sociable so wouldn’t have an issue with chatting with please. It’s more likely I’d be left on the sidelines trying to make small talk.