Ex wants money for optional (in my eyes ) private school

[Meeko505]

Hi, I'm going to try and keep this brief. My ex (divorced 2018) has been asking us to pay for half the fees for a private school that my children attend one day per week on day release from regular comprehensive school. This school is a bilingual school (my ex speaks Spanish, and wants them to be fluent in it as well). The kids are primary age, they spend 4 nights a week with us and 3 with him. Nobody pays any child maintenance.

They didn't attend any kind of private school when we were together, nor was there any intention that they would. They attended a different, cheaper school until last year, but since then we have all moved and now he's enrolled them in this new school that they will attend one day per week for the rest of primary. The cost is around £600 per term per child.

We did agree before moving that they would attend this school, and it's in writing that they would attend and that I would help with taking them to and from the school. Fees were not discussed because I assumed he would cover them as he did before since it's really his choice that they attend, and tbh if it were up to me they would not attend at all because of the regular school they miss, but I agreed to this because I accept that Spanish is important to my ex.

I'm on minimum wage, but my partner generally earns quite a lot (although at the moment he is actually between jobs and works in an industry that is somewhat unpredictable). We have a nice house that is worth quite a lot, but also a high mortgage. I don't pay any of this because I only earn around £500 a month (min. wage and part-time at the moment, probably not likely to increase soon).

Am I being unreasonable that I feel that it's his responsibility to pay for a school that he wants the children to attend? They don't even like going themselves. He intends to take this to a solicitor, I think the argument being that even if my income isn't very high my household income is, but my partner is also dead against paying because he says he has no entitlement to it + the kids don't even want to go.

For reference, we generally pay for most things for the kids - we buy their coats and shoes, pay for other clubs and lessons for them, etc. - and I have never asked my ex for money for anything. But I also feel that he is only asking for money because I have moved in with my partner, and for something that we don't necessarily think is even in the children's best interests anyway.

But paying this out of my own pocket would either mean asking my partner for money for it (he would pay it, but I do not feel it should be on him or me either tbh) or cutting down on other things like food/clubs/presents which are often paid from my wages. Ex earns a lot more than I do, though I don't know how much these days. He could afford it by himself, definitely, and lives in a house worth almost as much as ours anyway. If capital is relevant - which is he making it out to be - his capital alone is not that far off our joint capital, and certainly many multiples more than mine solo.

AIBU/WWYD?

Your ex is being very cheeky , I assume the dc go to the private school on one of exs days? So it's his choice alone to send them there, during his time, and you can't afford it, so no you don't pay.
Your dps income is irrelevant, and shouldn't be taken into account.

I would tell him if he's going down that road then to formalise child maintenance as you buy all clothes, clubs, travel to school etc. or pull kids from the Spanish school, wouldn't facilitate drop off or pick up it's all on him. If he wants them to go then he pays as they are his children not your new partners and you don't want them to go anyway

That sounds terrible for their main school. Ex can surely just speak Spanish at home or get a Spanish nanny/tutor in for a couple of hours after school to do activities. Totally unnecessary and certainly nothing you should be paying for.

Sometimes they're on our days, since the days are set by the school and we can't control it. My partner actually takes my DD one day a week, and it's an hour round trip in the car. When he's working again we may even have to pay for a taxi or school club because I won't be able to pick both kids up from different schools at the same time.

So we do facilitate their attendance, but I see this broadly as a favour to ex and already quite a pain in the arse. If it were up to me, they just wouldn't go.

Well you could go to CMS if it isn't actually a 50:50 split which you imply it isn't. Do you do all the Drs/dentist appointments and claim Child Benefit?

I agree, but ex is adamant about how important it is to him and I thought I was being cooperative/a good co-parent by agreeing to take them/support it.

I did go through CMS years ago, for 3 months, but then he threatened to take me to court for a 50-50 split (to avoid this cost) and I got very stressed out and didn't want to deal with the drama so I just cancelled it. I receive child benefit, I've registered them with doctor and dentist. I really just want as little drama as possible but also don't want to be on the hook for escalating costs that I personally don't even agree with. I don't want his money, I just don't want him to be pushing for mine either!

Your ex is seeing an opportunity and taking advantage of it. If your current partner doesn't want to be involved in the household calculations to pay for your childrens expenses; then you need to move out or they add you as a tenant to the household rather than partner (unsure if thats even possible, thinking tenants in common?). The cost of the private school, whether you think it should be paid or not, is a legirimate childrens expense and would be an obligation of both the parents. No matter whether you work minimim wage or not, your household now includes your new partner, their earnings, their assets etc. Any agency will calculate your household income to include the new partner.

You are earning minimum wage. You can’t afford private school. If he wants them to go, he needs to pay, and a solicitor isn’t likely to be able to force otherwise unless the divorce wasn’t properly finalised or there was some fee paying provision in there!

Regardless of who pays for what, I can't get my head around a single day of the week at a different school. How does that work? What about the lessons they miss at their usual school?
I can't imagine any school allowing a child to attend four days of the week.

Ex’s choice, ex pays. Please don’t get dragged into agreeing to contribute financially. My friend did this ( though fees a lot higher) and she’s knee deep in debt because of it. Just calmly stand your ground.

They miss the day at school, none of it is really made up. The kids are doing OK, though we try and do some maths at home with them sometimes (because they do no maths at Spanish school, only Spanish grammar, writing etc.) and so this seems like the biggest issue.

If you asked me it could be worse for them in the long run, but the school does give permission for it and ex is, as I say, adamant about it. It's also only until the end of primary - he would have to sort them out with some kind of out of school tuition if he wanted to continue after Y6.

I can't believe that your dc's regular school is approving this level of absence!

I know a couple of families that do half week in school, half home school, so schools are flexible like that.

I dont think it is correct that they take household income Into Consideration, as the only people responsible for paying for dc and dcs own parents.

Let him go to a solicitor, it seems he threatens you and you back down, it's worked previously, so he's trying it again, also I'd go to cms again, and if he goes for 50/50, we'll you'll be slightly better off maybe.

He needs to pay more of the children's costs eg clothes, clubs if he's expecting compromise from you.
You can't pay what you don't have.

This guy is always going to push it. He’s blackmailing you. He should be paying you maintenance. I know it’s hard as you don’t want to go through the courts but there’s a good chance if the current agreement is already in place, courts will stick with it. So if you already have them 60/40 and that’s their routine they will stay with that. I think I’d be inclined to refuse and go for child maintenance and let him take you to court.

He is very controlling. At the moment we are just leaving it, partially because alongside this issue he has also been telling me I have to change the email account I use for him (I created one with the kids' names years ago to separate coparenting comms from personal life, he just decided recently this is not ok because it makes me seem like 'the main parent'. I told him it's too late and tangled with other accounts/email history to change now) so he blocked my email account. We are just leaving this for the moment because it's nice to have the breathing space from his emails and I don't want to just keep jumping through all of the hoops he puts up for us, but I do just find it very tiring.

Your partner's income is irrelevant. Maybe your ex needs to hear this from a lawyer?

In your shoes, I would say no. The one day a week of child maintenance that he technically owes you is your contribution.

Surely, since you and your partner are not married, his house value and income is not relevant?

I'd tell your ex that he can go for the £300 a term if he wants to, but you'll reciprocate with splitting all other costs, plus child maintenance, even if that means you go 50/50 on childcare as a result.

I'm amazed the school have agreed to it. I'd put my foot down, Spanish can be learnt outside of school and he can pay for it / facilitate it.

Their overall education is more important.

Your partner's income is irrelevant as he can't be made to pay anything for your children.

You can't afford it. That should be the end of the discussion.

I think you have gone above and beyond facilitating this. As has the school. Can you imagine if every child in the class with a second family language did this? The disruption to education would be huge. Being bilingual is enormously valuable but this way disrupts their broader education significantly. He needs to find another way to teach them Spanish.

I am gobsmacked that as you are legally divorced he can still pull your strings. Surely the financial stuff was sorted out before the decree absolute?
Have you legally agreed to kids attending Spanish school?
If its just a being nice verbal agreement then you can just stop it. Plenty if opportunity to learn Spanish from DxH himself or a private tutor. A whole day out of school sounds crazy and he's sure making you pay a price by it being expensive and an inconvenient pain in the arse.
If you can be bold I would stop it. Tell him to do whatever . I would also ask about your financial situation re new partner. Can he go back and ask for more money?
You're entitled to move on with your life now divorced but he sounds like he still wants to control you. Not on op.
Good luck.

There was a document signed, yes, along the lines of this. It mentions nothing of fees, but does say that the kids will attend the Spanish school. I don't know whether he thinks this means that I am also liable for the fees - or whether it means I am, actually.

I think you should not pay and also go to CMS for maintenance.

He needs to contribute for clothing and everting for this kids.

Stop letting him control you. Is you signing agree for them going there a legal document? I wouldn’t be allowing them to miss school. I certainly wouldn’t be paying for it. Learning another language is fantastic but there’s many ways to do it.
Your dp income is irrelevant, he’s not their parent and he doesn’t have to pay anything for them. I also would be claiming cms.
I can’t imagine any judge saying you have to send them there, let alone pay for it and transport them. No judge is saying your dp has to pay for it.
If you don’t claim cms then bill him for half of all their costs.