Ex wants money for optional (in my eyes ) private school

[Meeko505]

Hi, I'm going to try and keep this brief. My ex (divorced 2018) has been asking us to pay for half the fees for a private school that my children attend one day per week on day release from regular comprehensive school. This school is a bilingual school (my ex speaks Spanish, and wants them to be fluent in it as well). The kids are primary age, they spend 4 nights a week with us and 3 with him. Nobody pays any child maintenance.

They didn't attend any kind of private school when we were together, nor was there any intention that they would. They attended a different, cheaper school until last year, but since then we have all moved and now he's enrolled them in this new school that they will attend one day per week for the rest of primary. The cost is around £600 per term per child.

We did agree before moving that they would attend this school, and it's in writing that they would attend and that I would help with taking them to and from the school. Fees were not discussed because I assumed he would cover them as he did before since it's really his choice that they attend, and tbh if it were up to me they would not attend at all because of the regular school they miss, but I agreed to this because I accept that Spanish is important to my ex.

I'm on minimum wage, but my partner generally earns quite a lot (although at the moment he is actually between jobs and works in an industry that is somewhat unpredictable). We have a nice house that is worth quite a lot, but also a high mortgage. I don't pay any of this because I only earn around £500 a month (min. wage and part-time at the moment, probably not likely to increase soon).

Am I being unreasonable that I feel that it's his responsibility to pay for a school that he wants the children to attend? They don't even like going themselves. He intends to take this to a solicitor, I think the argument being that even if my income isn't very high my household income is, but my partner is also dead against paying because he says he has no entitlement to it + the kids don't even want to go.

For reference, we generally pay for most things for the kids - we buy their coats and shoes, pay for other clubs and lessons for them, etc. - and I have never asked my ex for money for anything. But I also feel that he is only asking for money because I have moved in with my partner, and for something that we don't necessarily think is even in the children's best interests anyway.

But paying this out of my own pocket would either mean asking my partner for money for it (he would pay it, but I do not feel it should be on him or me either tbh) or cutting down on other things like food/clubs/presents which are often paid from my wages. Ex earns a lot more than I do, though I don't know how much these days. He could afford it by himself, definitely, and lives in a house worth almost as much as ours anyway. If capital is relevant - which is he making it out to be - his capital alone is not that far off our joint capital, and certainly many multiples more than mine solo.

AIBU/WWYD?

Surely a mix of duolingo and a tutor would be cheaper and less disruptive to the schooling. Ex can pay and do the activity on his days as it’s his thing.

@Meeko505

OP I'm in agreement with other posters who say your ex cannot force you (or your partner) to pay for a private school for your children to learn Spanish.

However, to put your mind at rest maybe consider a one-off meeting with a family law solicitor (maybe speak to Citizens Advice first) to confirm he has no leg to stand on, especially in connection with the document you signed. Also consider liaising with CMS to put a claim in for your children. Don't let yourself be bullied - get the official information you need to get him to back off. 🌹

Just tell him you can't afford it.

I mean, you can't really. Your DP may be happy to subsidise the kids atm but it's unfair to expect him to pay for this as well.

No this is a lifestyle choice made by him and not your liability. I think you are being nice enough to facilitate attendance during your time with the children.

Family solicitors often offer a brief consultation for free, so maybe run the document by then. Your partner’s income does not count, it is not household income when it comes to supporting children, it is one parent versus the other. I would be liable for my step son but that’s because I have PR (and I only have PR because he lives with us full time). It’s his choice, you’ve agreed to do the drop offs and pick ups as needed and that’s it. If there’s no mention of fees I cannot see he has a legal leg to stand on and he’s just trying his luck. I’d call his bluff 100%.

I agree that you can reasonably refuse to pay for this, and I am not sure he'd win a court order for it.
But be aware that the PP who say your DP income not relevant, it is. Your household now includes your DP and so it won't just be your income that's considered.
However I think either way you are in a reasonable position as you pay all other costs and claim no maintenance for the extra day.

I would be spelling out to him what he’s actually asking.

”Dear x,

The desire to send DC’s to private school is your desire for them, not mine. In fact I actually believe that this is detrimental to their learning, however I appreciate how important this is to you, so agreed to facilitate this despite the great personal inconvenience that this causes me. I confirmed this agreement to facilitate in writing in y document, however there was no agreement within that for me to fund this attendance.

You are well aware that I am on minimum wage and only earn around £500 per month and therefore cannot afford to pay for DC’s private schooling.

Given your continued ask for a contribution towards these fees, I can only assume that you instead expect DP to fund this contribution. DP is not DC’s parent so it is entirely unreasonable for you to expect him to contribute to this additional cost which is entirely discretionary, with that decision being made by you and you alone. To be clear, DP is not responsible for funding the private education of another man’s children.

I will continue to facilitate their attendance at this school as previously agreed, but I cannot and will not make any financial contribution towards the fees, and will not discuss the matter further”