To be afraid of my friend

[FastForwardTo300TakeoutCoffeesLater]

I use the term friend loosely as I'm trying to distance myself.

I've been friends with this woman for about 2 years now. We text almost everyday which isn't unusual in itself as almost everyone I know are very heavy texters, but our texts do sometimes contain vents. Rants about bosses, shitty parts of our jobs, people we're momentarily angry with etc. I've always thought she was a nice person.

Last week she had a massive fallout with another friend she's known for decades. The amount of "receipts" she's kept on that friend scares me. Screenshots about her hating her husband while she had PND sent to the husband, screenshots of her complaining about her job sent to her coworkers (small local company), screenshots after screenshots. I looked at the photo details and some of these screenshots of her complaints were taken months or even years ago while they were still friends!!

She used to proudly joke that she had dirt on everyone but now I'm wondering if it's true?? I would cut all contact but I've seen how she gets when she feels slighted and I don't want to be her next target. Does anyone know anyone like this? How do you ditch them without them turning on you?

I had a friend who I found out took screenshots of text conversations and referred back to them to score points in disagreements at a later date. I was shocked and it made me question our decades long friendship. As it was, we ended up having words about something unrelated and we haven't spoken since. As yet, she hasn't used anything I have said against me but from that time, I decided not to put something in text that I wouldn't be happy to say out loud.

I would quietly distance yourself from her, she doesn't sound like someone who it would be healthy to keep a friendship with. You certainly cannot trust her!

She sounds awful. Is there anything she knows about you that you wouldn't want to get out?

I’d cut off the friendship immediately, you can’t trust her and she sounds like an unhinged, vindictive bitch. Bullies don’t deserve friends.
If she does the same to you just apologise to those you have to.

Well I was going through a very bad patch at the start of this year and as she was basically one of the few friends I had at the time she knows a lot of things said in anger/sadness/frustration that I wouldn't want anyone else to know about.

It doesn't help that she used to text me when it got late and when I couldn't sleep as that's when I would say too much!

I had a friend like this and although we're no longer such good friends I'm pretty certain she has a catalogue of this sort of thing.

I knew she could use this against me and slowly distanced myself from her rather than giving her a reason to be angry with me and share them.

She sounds vile and completely lacking any integrity, ditch her immediately.

It sounds like she's got form for falling out with people, why else would she screenshot texts? She's a bloody nutter! I definitely wouldn't tell her anything else that you wouldn't want repeated! I'd just slowly faze her out. I wouldnt have a dramatic fall out if you don't want your past texts revealed, although I would go back through your old ones, there might not be anything you couldn't apologise away. If you could, drop her ASAP.

One of the classic reasons oversharing is a bad idea, especially in writing.

Tbh all of the bitching and back biting sounds vile from both of you, and massively immature. And 'friends' who bitch about other friends/coworkers are always going to do the same to you sooner or later, how do you not know this already?

How do you ditch them without them turning on you?
You can't - but you can ditch her with some integrity. Contact your mutual friends and say you are horrified at her behaviour, you are ending the relationship, and you expect the same kind of fallout from her as a result. Apologise in advance for anything they are sent which is upsetting.

Another thing I got from your opening post is that you thought she was nice, even though she was happy to slag off all and sundry with you. That says as much about you as it does about her.

I wouldn't like this at all, it's very manipulative

Well I'd go back through messages and delete any you wouldn't want out there in case she hasn't screen shot them already!

Has she said anything in her messages to you? I would be inclined to go back and check and have my own receipts as back up if she ever turns. And in the mean time v.slowly drift away

This is why texting is such a rubbish way to communicate. You speak to someone, they hear your tone of voice, and your vent goes into the ether. Put anything into print or phone text, and you have no control over what happens to it and what interpretation is put on it by the recipient or anyone they show it to. The tone of voice you thought you used when you typed it may seem not be the tone of voice that the reader hears when they read it. And the consequences can be a time bomb just waiting for its moment.

I've lost count of the number of times I've tried to stop a mumsnet poster from having a difficult conversation by text, especially with difficult people. It's such a dangerous way to communicate.

Most of my frustration weren't about friends. It was about my job. Was overworked, company was completely understaffed, was doing the job of 3 people all by myself, was unsure if I'd even have a job because of the merger etc. Things are much better now but you would have to be a saint to be perfectly calm and happy and not say a bad word about anything when in that position.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit
I wouldn't like this at all, it's very manipulative
I've met people who try to encourage you to shit talk about others, and avoid them like the plague. Its such a bad habit to get into.

If the only thing you're worried about is work related, they really would be unlikely to act on anything some random sent them. I would also phase out slowly, but don't live in fear of anything she might do. Unless you've confessed to something really serious, at the end of the day, most things written in haste can be understood by reasonable people. If she were to share them online, publicly, she herself could get in trouble.

Ok nothing you can do now abiut what you've already said. I wouldn't provoke a fight with her. As she'll undoubtedly stoop low.

I would (if possible) try & have an open and honest convo with any good friends (that you have vented to her about) and let it come from you as it were.
Remove her power over you.

Then just drift away. Grey rock her. Always reply but in a nothingy way. Just silently slip away.

She'll get bored.

For yourself don't do this & try &'recognise moving on that if someone talks shit about others then they will talk shit about you.

I'd love to talk to people face to face but everyone is so busy or doesn't want to leave the house so text is the de facto method of communication. My uni mates who are single communicate through Discord, those who have partners spend all day with their partners. It's just how it is.

Block her and think carefully about all this texting nonsense with other friends and future friends.

It's incredibly juvenile as as you have now found out, texts can be saved and used against you.

She sounds very manipulative and goes in with the intention of stirring shit in the future. Best bet? Cut her out of anything meaningful, arms length. Be vague, be evasive she will lose interest as she's more of a revelling in misfortune type I suspect

Yes this. Slowly reduce contact.

Generally though sharing information and complaints isn't a great plan, noone really wants that part of anyone.

No, the issue here is really not texting. The issue is that the OP's friend is a vindictive psychopath.

I never to this to people, even people who have backstabbed me. I also disguise any bitching so it won’t ever come back on me.