To be afraid of my friend

[FastForwardTo300TakeoutCoffeesLater]

I use the term friend loosely as I'm trying to distance myself.

I've been friends with this woman for about 2 years now. We text almost everyday which isn't unusual in itself as almost everyone I know are very heavy texters, but our texts do sometimes contain vents. Rants about bosses, shitty parts of our jobs, people we're momentarily angry with etc. I've always thought she was a nice person.

Last week she had a massive fallout with another friend she's known for decades. The amount of "receipts" she's kept on that friend scares me. Screenshots about her hating her husband while she had PND sent to the husband, screenshots of her complaining about her job sent to her coworkers (small local company), screenshots after screenshots. I looked at the photo details and some of these screenshots of her complaints were taken months or even years ago while they were still friends!!

She used to proudly joke that she had dirt on everyone but now I'm wondering if it's true?? I would cut all contact but I've seen how she gets when she feels slighted and I don't want to be her next target. Does anyone know anyone like this? How do you ditch them without them turning on you?

I think it’s quite uncommon for adults to be texting each other every day and it seems really intense!

Why are you replying to her late at night?
If you are tired then reply the next day instead.

I would slowly back off from her.

If she texts you now, then reply this evening.
Then after a certain time each night stop replying and reply the next day.

Gradually increase the amount of time it takes for you to reply.

True true. I have an ex who used to do this as well, now t many people text or call him now.

I get that that's how it is. But it just means you have to be much more careful what you say, how you say it (I often read my own texts back to me in different tones of voice before I press send in case the recipient reads it in the 'wrong' one) and who you say it to. I find it exhausting compared to just sitting talking to someone, where tone of voice and body language back up what you mean and how you feel. And yes, you have to think 'if they show this to someone how will it reflect on me?'

Unless you’re very powerful and get all evidence of what’s written in text/WA etc deleted (ie this Government deleting their WhatsApps before the Covid enquiry) … never put anything risky in writing.
Imagine writing a pen and paper letter or note with your signature on it, it’s the same thing, just delivered much faster.

The Duke of Wellington, when threatened with exposure, retorted "publish and be damned". Let this be your mantra.

I harbour dark suspicions that you haven't done or said anything truly terrible, so there is nothing to fear. The people who know and care for you won't care and the rest can go hang.

Move away quietly from this woman and let her stew alone in her own bile.

I have never heard of such a thing! What a complete psycho!

I think that the only reason it doesn't happen more often, is that the person who'd like to share screenshots, is only too aware that their victim also has the power to retaliate with their own screenshots of the perpetrators conversations.

But on a day to day level, absolutely anyone can get out their phone and show a friend what a mutual acquaintance has said about them. This is how teenagers in particularly, bully each other. But let's not be naive enough to think that grown adults don't do it. So be careful what you say in texts.

Save a few messages of hers for insurance purposes ( what’s app saves automatically I think unless you change the settings ) and then slowly and quietly distance yourself .

She is no friend op. It seems she is biding her time with people so that she can later drag up issues/ messages from their past ready to throw them under a bus. It’s not normal. She may even be messaging people slagging off work/ bosses etc so that those people will do the same back for the sole purpose of causing trouble. Yes I would distance yourself but do it very slowly over time. Don’t just cut her out of your life straight away or she may do the exact same thing to you! Do a very slow fade. Also keep all message you have from her so that you can counter any screenshots she may potentially send to people in the future so that at least she will also look equally as bad. Always be one step ahead of vindictive/ psychopathic / narcissistic people.

How awful, to go to the extent of actually sending screenshots to people and work places, sounds like she's batshit. Do distance yourself but whatever you do don't delete your chats in case she does do the same to you but tries to twist/manipulate things you've said so at least you'll have proof

Honestly OP, I could have written this myself a year ago. I wanted nothing more than to 'break up' with this friend as she was toxic, difficult, and clingy, but I'd watched so many of her other friendships implode and screenshots (and other information) were shared as punishment. She was not the kind of person who would've take kindly to me ending the friendship; I definitely would've been 'exposed.' Like you, at the time I thought I was just venting to a good friend.

I also discovered that even though we were still friends, she had already shared some information about me with people she barely knew. For the sole purpose of gossiping.

I'm afraid to say all this only ended when she got a new boyfriend and a new friend - she dropped me like a stone, just wasn't interested anymore. It was a huge relief, because I was too scared of the consequences if I ended it. I don't like throwing the 'narcissist' word around but I learned later that this is pretty typical behaviour for them.

Sorry I can't give any better advice and good luck.

I don’t trust ANYONE that I hear spreading gossip or secrets. I’m the sort of person that says, “When you show me / tell me all of these things, it makes me wonder if I can trust you with things myself.” I’ve said that to someone before because she used to post subtweets / subrefs to people on social media. It actually did stop her doing it online but she’s probably still gossiping about us all in person. I don’t know because I avoid her like the plague.

I know someone like this, thankfully I'm no longer in contact. She loves to "go public" if anyone dares to step out of line. Absolute psycho.

Tip toe away if you can.

I think I would make a comment about how her behaviour might make others reassess and worry about having a friendship with her or continuing to confide in her.

I’d also suggest she contemplates what goes around comes around.. what if someone was to retaliate and do a screen dump of every single time she’s slagged someone off etc - these things can work both ways. Would she want her partner/work colleagues/family and friends learning what she’s said about them?

I mean if she’s done that to someone - stands to reason others might think it’s fair game to have an open season on her private and confidential conversations?

id also slowly start to get busy and not share anymore with her. By the end of my month my contact would be massively cut down and everything I said would be positive and upbeat. Or just cut her dead. Worst thing she can do is tell work.. and if work take notice of a private conversation between friends I’d be amazed.