To wonder if I had an unhappy childhood

[ticklyboo]

I always thought I had a very nice childhood until quite recently. I've become a new mum and am sort of looking at my own childhood through a new lens. My parents were happily married, I have a sibling, it seemed like a normal home etc.

So I remember things and then feel like they don't quite sit right.

Whenever I would stay at my grandparents house (every school holiday) I would wet the bed. It became less frequent but I would say each holiday it would happen once, but it did happen until I was about 12/13.

I don't really remember my childhood. I'm in my early 30s and I wonder how normal that is? Was it a trauma response to something and I just can't remember what it is.

My parents never let me go out with my friends. Ever. This was after a man groped me on the way to school at the age of 10. I think my parents just got spooked and went into full blown over protection mode. I would see my friends at school and that would be it. I was taught that family comes first and have therefore never thought of friends as being important. The friends I have today aren't my schoolfriends, rather friends I've made in my adult life.

I feel like my parents were people pleasers and so would put others above what I wanted. Eg. Having family stay over a week before my GCSEs and so I might have to give up my room but me feeling like I needed that space.

I was the first child of my generation and felt like I had A LOT of attention on me. Whatever I did seemed like such a big deal. Eg. My parents and grandparents and uncle and aunt came with me on my exam results day to pick up my results. Or all the women in my family knew about my first period and were asking me about it but I felt awkward speaking about it (granted it happened on Christmas Eve so maybe my mum wanted people to be mindful?)

If I didn't want to do something, my mum might guilt me into doing it just to maintain optics. I had a cousin of a similar age to me whose dad was a pervert. She was an only child so I was made to go to her house to keep her company. As much as I can remember he never did anything to me (or at least anything more than what he openly did to others) eg. if he greeted you with a hug he would touch and linger on your bra strap. But I have heard stories from other women in the family that he had accidentally walked in on them changing when they were in their teens (and he would have been in his early 30s) Anyway, it makes me wonder why my mum trusted the situation for me to be alone in their house with him.

I genuinely believe my parents thought they were doing the best for me and I have been made to understand they sacrificed so much just so we can have everything in life. My dad didn't have a lot of money so I always felt bad and guilty about costing him too much.

I find myself agreeing to things I don't want to do and find it hard to set boundaries. My first boyfriend was 11 years older than me and raped me (not in a violent way but I remember telling him I was not feeling like it and feeling uncomfortable but he said it would make me feel better so continued to do it)

I find myself arguing with DH if we have a difference of opinion and I wonder if that is because if I have ever wanted something with my parents, it's always turned into a fight to get it. DH is actually really supportive and I am learning not everything has to be a fight or if I approach it differently it won't become a fight.

It sounds to me like they were doing the best they could with perhaps limited income and knowledge of what would be in your best interest. None of those things sound like they were deliberately to harm you. I think now there's alot more awareness about child protection and childhood in general that probably your parents didn't have access to. There wasn't the internet in those days. They probably made alot of mistakes but they might be able to be explained by other things. It sounds like you would benefit from counselling/ therapy to work through any harm you got from your childhood. But be aware most people were "wronged" by their parents in one way or another unintentionally or intentionally as parenthood is not easy to get right all of the time.

What is your relationship like with your parents now?

From what you’ve described

they tried their best
they made mistakes

and you will do the same

It's getting progressively worse. When I was single, it was ok. We would go out etc as they don't go out much alone.

But when I met DH, we had a difficult time because they had a different idea of what my wedding should look like. I couldn't afford what they wanted and in the end I took out a loan to pay for a wedding my dad designed.

Now I have a 7 month old DC, I find they overstep boundaries all the time. Disregard my weekend plans and come to seeDC even if I say I wanted to go out etc. Also if I say I am finding things tough my mum says things like how she had it so much more tough and they only reason I find it hard is because pre-baby I apparently never lifted a finger

I don't understand the previous responses, really.

Your childhood has what sounds like some complicated issues. It is extremely common to re-evaluate these things once you become a parent.

It doesn't matter whether they were doing their best, the impact on you is what matters.

You describe some very unusual things.

In these circumstances it is possible good quality therapy would be useful.

Boundaries are very important in healthy relationships.

The examples you give are not healthy-sounding.

If I were you….

I would stop navel gazing about the past

and instead work towards carving out strong boundaries NOW and accepting what you want from your relationship with your parents but where they do or say something you are not happy with - you confront or simply shut down.

Focus on the NOW and how you are not happy with the PRESENT relationship rather than spending your energy thinking about about the past

It is not always helpful to parcel off the past and put it in the mind's attic. Once the questions come, it can be healthier to just deal with them.

Psychologically, having children often makes people review their own upbringing.

The use of the term 'navel gazing' is telling.

It is not always helpful

not always
but in this scenario - I think so. We disagree. No biggie

Your childhood sounded fine.
They did their best but not perfect.
However now they well out of order.
If they want to come and it is inconvenient say
'No , that doesn't work for me'
Then don't answer the door
A couple of times of that will sort it.
They still think you are 'their' little girl.
You are an adult and are allowed your own choices, just like them.

Using the term 'navel gazing' is dismissive and inappropriate when someone is considering important questions IMO.

IMO that is just looking for ways to be peed off / offended / disagree 🤷‍♀️

the things that happened in your childhood have obviously affected you and that is worth exploring, not least so you break the patterns with your children. Yes it was completely wrong to send you somewhere where you’d possibly get sexually assaulted . Our childhood shapes us as adults, it’s not navel gazing to seek to understand that. I’m reading a book about emotional intelligence by Alain de botton where he talks about how we are good as a society at teaching stuff so maths English etc but shit at emotional/eq stuff. Replies from a lot of people on here reinforce that.

Navel gazing is a dismissive phrase.

I'm not offended, I'm just stating it so anyone reading is aware that it is not an attitude supported by all.

Good grief. I don’t think everyone supports my view or use of the word navel-gazing!!

Yes, this. If YOU feel you had an unhappy childhood then ultimately that’s what matters. I can’t get over sending you to the pervy uncle’s house, that’s awful! They were fine to do that but not let you out with friends? People seem to have a weird blind spot when it comes to “soft” childhood adversity, like if it isn’t out and out abuse then you have to excuse your parents for making mistakes because they “tried their best”. I don’t subscribe to that. They may not have been abusive but they certainly sound controlling and like they got a few significant things wrong that have impacted you. I’d really recommend psychodynamic therapy, helped me make sense of weird stuff in my childhood no end and I now have a functional arm’s length relationship with my parents (they were never controlling or overbearing though so easy for me to say that). Good luck OP, it’s hard when you realise this stuff but you’ve got to do what’s right for you.

Becoming a parent does make you re evaluate your own childhood. It seems like there were some oddities /decisions where your needs weren't put first or they didn't make the right choices at the time. But I think we forget parents are just people, they bring all their flaws etc into the role. People's understanding and willingness to consider different parenting styles has changed massively. I've worked in child care rated fields for many years. Until Jo Frost ( I know) was on TV average people didn't really consider whether changing their style might help. Understanding around rosky adults has also completely changed. So it's OK for you to look back and decide what you'd do differently but it doesn't mean your parents were deliberately abusive or didn't care.

It sounds like at the very least you may have experienced isolation as a child and teen, a potential sexual assault and possibly feeling very unsafe at grandparents (wetting the bed). These issues can be overcome and processed, or they can get a bit stuck and haunt us later, perhaps with feelings of anxiety or hypervigilance.
if it’s on your mind I’d suggest finding a psychotherapist (not a counsellor) and having a look in a safe place.

When you have your own kids all these thoughts come up. More memories will come up as yours start school etc

I agree therapy to talk it though. I think you are mostly worried about parenting your kids well and ‘doing better’: Sounds like you will

also yes to saying no to your parents! You are now truly an adult with your own kids and it will be awkward at first while everyone learns a new dynamic but it’s natural to do so

It's so true that parenting makes us re-evaluate our own childhood experiences! There are even books written about this like They Fuck You Up by Oliver James, or The Book You wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry.

No childhood is perfect and some less perfect than others. It’s often easier to see these things when you’re an adult. But to wonder if you were happy? Most people know if it wasn’t happy.

Fine to reflect and wonder and not make the same mistakes with your own (if you have some children) although you will make different mistakes, we all do.

Focus on yourself and any therapy you might need and make the best of your life.

Did this groping incident affect you more than you thought?

I also really liked The Power of Showing up by Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. It's a bit less Doom and gloom! I wasn't keen on the book you wish... I remember liking they fuck you up but I read it about 15 years ago now.

I agree with this.

I thought my childhood was fine, but as I’ve grown I’ve slowly realized how very different it was from other people’s. I have also realised how it has affected me very negatively, both in terms of my view of myself and also getting myself into relationships with men who I end up very unhappy with ( treat me like my Dad did). You don’t need to be criminally abused to suffer the effects of your childhood. And realizing how it affects you can hopefully enable you to make better choices for yourself.

You do need to start asserting boundaries with your parents. If you tell them you have plans and they turn up anyway, be polite but firm that you are still going out anyway/ carrying in with your plans. They can go home.