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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cutting parents off

32 replies

Disneystar88 · 06/11/2023 05:33

Has anyone done this if so how do you get them to get the msg.
childhood wasn’t great dad used to hit my older brother tell him he was dead meat if he had to come out of work (he was like 18 but clear mental health issues) I left home at 17 couldn’t wait .
fast forward years I had my first child ended up moving back in with them temporarily at this time there nasty dog bit my child (age around 2) so I move out and relationship not great for a while but kept it going more fool me , I was happy when the dog died this was years later as they refused to get the dog put down.

Now fast forward again I now have two children 14 and 8 a few years ago they got another dog a chihuahua but it’s a nasty thing already bit two strangers so I banned the dog from my house since then the relationship is sour I refuse to have a nasty dog in my house around my kids and elderly dog . They refuse to get the dog training etc . They don’t like this new rule especially my mother who has turned out to be toxic maybe always but I only just realised luckily they live 3 hours away so the last 2 years not seen them much however they have a holiday home in my town so are around 6 months of the year.
This year example probably came round twice one waits in car with dog and then they swap . I literally kept the relationship going for my kids but this seems to be the end now I realise on their side the dog is more important than grandkids.
Also to top it off my sons school suddenly closed and I was left with the option of home schooling or the nearest smaller school is further out but no public transport - also at this time my partner got health issues and off work on sick we need to get a car so asked if they can help as it would get there grandson back into education they said they would look at outgoings and see what they could do . Then I was ignored for two months they didn’t reply and this text wasn’t about this issue . My partners parents helped without question, I asked mine if they can’t help a lot can they pay the tax and insurance again no response.
I know people say shouldn’t fall out over money but you can see there’s alot there it’s not just about money. Also they pay for my brothers (guilty conscience maybe ? car , insurance etc yearly and we were asking as a one off never asked for help before but this year has been awful for us. My older brother lives with these two and seems to have forgiven for crap childhood whilst I’m left with bad memories of it all.
other brother left home too has his own family that my mother used to slag off her parenting all the time to me x was only wearing a nappy etc I told her straight if she has a problem tell my sister in law as I’m not interested in being a bully .

So minimum contact it is but I want to cut the relationship completely now how do they get the message. Ignored for months regarding the car money then she texts asking what kids want for Xmas , because it was about the kids I just replied saying money in a card is fine and if any presents it must be same amount for both (last yr one child got more than other and it causes questions and upset ) also really annoyed me why they did that.

maybe I should of replied a car so no getting soaked going school etc

I just want them not to turn up at my house and not to contact anymore .
what’s everyone’s thoughts aibu?

thanks if you got this far

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 06/11/2023 05:38

maybe I should of replied a car so no getting soaked going school etc

In what world are adult children who have kids of their own, entitled to a car from their parents? Surely, this is your responsibility, not your parents? I would be gobsmacked if my kids ever said this to me.

BluebellsForest · 06/11/2023 05:42

Have a look at this thread, OP. The first post gives lots of helpful info:

September 2023 - well we took you to Stately Homes www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4902615-september-2023-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

Original poster
Disneystar88 · 06/11/2023 05:42

HoppingPavlova · 06/11/2023 05:38

maybe I should of replied a car so no getting soaked going school etc

In what world are adult children who have kids of their own, entitled to a car from their parents? Surely, this is your responsibility, not your parents? I would be gobsmacked if my kids ever said this to me.

we asked if they would help towards one as we put in a situation when we need to get a car for the reasons stated. If they couldn’t help why not just say no instead of saying they would look and get back to us . Two months later they just ignored it . Btw they have the money if they wanted to help

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 06/11/2023 05:57

OP there is np with you asking your parents if your struggling so i wouldnt go off one comment. If my daughter struggles id help, car, mortgage etc until on feet. Yes parents dont owe us but they can help when youre struggling, if you cant ask your parents eh?.
Anyway your parents are a shower of shite.
Im NC with my mother, 7 month.
I just pulled her up about her rude, disparaging comments about me then went NC. The situation would never improve. Shes narcissistic, internalised misogynist, jealous, attention seeker , abusive, etc.

The giving more to one grandchild child than the other is to cause upset between siblings, i presume she used to play you siblings off each other when you were kids?. Its so these kids feel bad about themselves...go NC..you dont even have to tell her...just do it. Block them on phone...everywhere they are

Gillypie23 · 06/11/2023 06:14

Cut them off definitely. You clearly don't like them and they bring you down.
Given how you feel about them. You shouldn't be asking them for money.

Strictly1 · 06/11/2023 06:22

If the new school is over a stated distance (considered too far to walk) you’re entitled to transport from your Local Authority.

Pooooochi · 06/11/2023 06:27

I get that they've been abusive in the past but "we need a car and they can afford to help us get one" does not mean you are entitled to it and to get pissed off when they don't.

You're an adult, you need to buy your own car or find another way - bikes etc.

MetalFences · 06/11/2023 06:37

I don't see what's wrong with them visiting you one at a time so that the other one can stay with their dog if that's what they want to do. Some people don't want to or can't leave their dog alone. And they can't leave it with anyone else. Your parents have come up with a system.

It's not up to them to get 'their grandchildren' to school. If you live somewhere with absolutely no public transport then I'd start thinking about moving before your children are teenagers who want to go out with friends.

If one of a child's parents is sick and the other doesn't work, then it's normal not to be able to run a car. There are thousands of people in that position.

biscuitnut · 06/11/2023 06:44

You hate them so much but want them to buy you a car? So you are happy to take their money? Grow up op, you are an adult.

Zanatdy · 06/11/2023 06:45

Obviously this is more than just about them loaning you money for a car, but I do agree with previous posters that parents are not obligated to loan money to their adult children, whether they have the money or not. I personally would always help my kids out but if you’re going to stop speaking to them over them not loaning you the money - yes you’re being unreasonable. But we know it goes deeper. You need to tell them to stay out of your life, and not order gifts for the kids if you’re planning to cut them out. As they aren’t obligated to keep buying for the kids if you’re cutting them out of your life

Original poster
Disneystar88 · 06/11/2023 06:46

MetalFences · 06/11/2023 06:37

I don't see what's wrong with them visiting you one at a time so that the other one can stay with their dog if that's what they want to do. Some people don't want to or can't leave their dog alone. And they can't leave it with anyone else. Your parents have come up with a system.

It's not up to them to get 'their grandchildren' to school. If you live somewhere with absolutely no public transport then I'd start thinking about moving before your children are teenagers who want to go out with friends.

If one of a child's parents is sick and the other doesn't work, then it's normal not to be able to run a car. There are thousands of people in that position.

They didn’t come up with that system , I stood my ground in no dog allowed in my house they still tried to visit with the dog several times it took my partner to tell them for them to finally sit in the car and swap . They thought they would keep trying to get the nasty dog in , not happening.
It’s not up to them to get their grandchild in education but thought they would at least want to help as partners parents helped without hesitation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Disneystar88 · 06/11/2023 06:48

Btw the chihuahua they could leave in the caravan etc they choose not to , she treats it like a baby , didn’t even care when it bit a stranger and is now banned from entering certain places in the seaside town as the woman reported the dog to the manager . Shame she didn’t go to the police

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 06/11/2023 06:51

If you dont want dog in your house thats fine. I don't want dogs in my house. Its sad that some parents treat their dogs better than their kids.

Go NC. They are passive aggressive.
This isnt about the money, its about their behaviour

Imtootiredtothinkofausername · 06/11/2023 06:52

I think it would do you both good to cut them off. I don't really see what either party are getting from the relationship to be honest. There is clearly a lot of resentment on your side, and since you obviously dislike them it does seem staggering that you'd ask them for significant sums of money with an expectation they would oblige?

perpetuallytired99 · 06/11/2023 07:09

So in summary you expect your parents, who you really don't like, to financially support your life choices, your family, when you blatantly don't like them, in fact you believe you have an entitlement because your in laws helped? I presume your own parents helped more with your first child if you lived with them. If you can't stand them have the decency to go NC for their benefit too, it's incredibly morally dubious to expect them to give you money when you don't even like them. I'm sure they can't be blind to how you feel.

savoycabbage · 06/11/2023 07:11

They didn’t come up with that system , I stood my ground in no dog allowed in my house they still tried to visit with the dog several times it took my partner to tell them for them to finally sit in the car and swap

So why is it something you are complaining about?

They don't want to leave their dog. You or I might not understand that but it's their dog. Presumably they are retired.

Original poster
Disneystar88 · 06/11/2023 07:16

They are retired , didn’t help me with first child I lived with them temporarily for around two months in that time the previous dog bit my child.
having a nasty dog who they won’t get training for is irresponsible dog owners .
most of you can’t look past the money issue when really the issues are the other things. I appreciate replies though and going to go nc

OP posts:
savoycabbage · 06/11/2023 07:33

I think you should go no contact. You aren't enjoying the relationship with them. You both have different expectations of what you want from each other.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 06/11/2023 07:35

Honestly OP you sound quite hard work, you clearly don’t like your parents and don’t feel they’ve done what they should have for you. Yes it’s annoying they don’t want to leave their dog, but they’ve been complying with your idea of swapping while one stays in the car.

you sound incredibly pissed off that they wouldn’t buy you a car when you asked them to. As an adult you can’t really expect your parents to substitute your life choices, it’s not their responsibility to ensure their grandson gets to school, it’s his parents.

as you seem to hold them in such contempt it might be best for all to cut contact down.

Original poster
Disneystar88 · 06/11/2023 07:37

Yes I think it goes deeper probably back to witnessing child abuse on my brother and them being irresponsible dog owners. Thanks everyone

OP posts:
TorroFerney · 06/11/2023 07:39

Disneystar88 · 06/11/2023 07:16

They are retired , didn’t help me with first child I lived with them temporarily for around two months in that time the previous dog bit my child.
having a nasty dog who they won’t get training for is irresponsible dog owners .
most of you can’t look past the money issue when really the issues are the other things. I appreciate replies though and going to go nc

It’s never a nice feeling when you realise that your parents care more for their dog than their child’s feelings. I have this so I get it, it’s rubbish. I was told it was my fault and am not allowed in my mums house because I complained about the dog jumping up at me and ripping tights , drawing blood.

MetalFences · 06/11/2023 07:42

savoycabbage · 06/11/2023 07:33

I think you should go no contact. You aren't enjoying the relationship with them. You both have different expectations of what you want from each other.

Agreed.

They let you live with them after you had a baby and you still think they did nothing to help you. I just don't get it really.

You sound like you think they should be doing things for you but they are just living their own lives.

You insisted that they don't bring their dog (which is completely fair enough) so they don't bring the dog and you are still not happy about it.

They asked you what your children wanted for Christmas and you said 'just stick money in a card' but you want them to be all 'grandparenty'. Could you not have said 'Thomas is really into Pokemon cards' or whatever.

But yes, I do think you should go no contact.

ToadOnTheHill · 06/11/2023 07:45

You either accept that they are difficult but it's a price you're willing to pay to have them as a safety net (for moving home or asking for a car) or you arent.

If you go NC, it means exactly that. Ypu cant fuck around going back all the time as its confusing to your kids. Only you know if you can do that.

You dont have your partners parents so that's a pointless comparison.

perpetuallytired99 · 06/11/2023 07:54

Disneystar88 · 06/11/2023 07:37

Yes I think it goes deeper probably back to witnessing child abuse on my brother and them being irresponsible dog owners. Thanks everyone

I don't understand if they were this bad why did you go back to live with them? Why did you want them to have a relationship with your children? It seriously doesn't make sense when your OP suggests that you probably wouldn't have posted if you had been given more of their money.

Loubelle70 · 06/11/2023 07:55

I am NC...its a relief. I dont nor asked for money or help, because would be used against me to others. Not worth it. Told mother i want nothing from her, including the will. Said to split between other siblings if she wants.
It isnt about money...its principle. OP parents are passive aggressive and youd be surprised how many narcissists will stay in a relationship just to cause upset.