My husband said I have no hobbies?

[dustfairy]

During an argument about child care (mainly about me not getting much time for myself)... DH comes out with 'well maybe if you actually had a hobby you wouldn't be so bored'. It was said very spitefully.

This really upset me. My hobbies are things like reading, films, cooking etc. I always thought I had plenty of hobbies. Just because they aren't sport related like running and golf (his hobbies) and take hours on a weekend.

I feel like he thinks I'm boring? AIBU to be in such a huff?

Get a swanky membership and use it exclusively for jacuzzi and cafe haha 😝

I’d assuming he’ll be willing to cut back his spending on golf so you’ve got the money to spend on this hobby he thinks you should have?

Even better, tell him you’re taking up golf yourself and he’ll need to be home this weekend to look after the children because you’ve got lessons at your new club in the morning and you’re teeing off after lunch.

Time to get a fabulous relaxing hobby that takes you out on the weekends at regular times.

What a shame DH will have to cut back on golf etc.

What a tit. Thinks he's clever and interesting for having structured hobbies, with no thought or appreciation for the labour you provide in order to make it possible.

Your relationship lacks appreciation and reciprocity.

If you are content with what you do, that’s all that matters. Tell him to fuck off.

Yes you can. You tell him, as an equal partner in your relationship, that from now on you are going to be allocating equal time for hobbies, whatever they may be. And he can have the kids while you’re doing yours. Even if it means you take yourself off to a coffee shop to read your book.

^And more the fact that he can be away for a whole day, but I don't really get that luxury (for a few reasons, breastfeeding / DH simply would get overwhelmed with it all !).

It would be very interesting to see if I suddenly disappeared for hours on end how he'd actually cope^

You're both parents so apart from the breastfeeding, which could possibly be solved by pumping, any 'time away' should be split 50/50.

If he 'wouldn't cope' it's because he hasn't had enough practice. So change that. He either shortens his weekend hobby time or you alternate taking whole days. The times when he just swans off without a second thought about his children's needs are over because you too are taking your share of hobby time.

Go for walks, visit National Trust places, museums, take up a sport, whatever. Just anything that gets you out of the house as often as he does.

For me personally I wouldn't overthink it as people say all sorts of stuff in arguments

LOL. If you know, you know! 😂

I totally agree with you. Surely a hobby is anything you do for pleasure or relaxation in your free time?

I LOVE knitting. For someone to tell me that isn't a hobby because it doesn't take me outside the home is bonkers.

Do I get to spend hours on it? No! Of course not. Because no one takes it seriously and all think it's just fine to expect me to put down my needles and attend to something in the moment.

I’m with you OP. I enjoy those cozy sorts of hobbies one can do at home, or with a few like-minded people and a bottle of wine (or three).

All of these Terribly Important Hobbies for which Mumsnet husbands desert their wives every weekend (cycling, golf, shooting, gym, football, running etc) sound boring as fuck to me and they should definitely not be the only means by which one spouse can get a break from family life.

Get out of the house for a few hours OP. It doesn’t matter what for, just make something up. Let him look after his own kids for a few hours in the day so he can learn a bit of appreciation and get a clue as to why you need time to yourself. Bored, indeed! He has no idea.

I think many men do this purposely - pick a wife who doesn't have time consuming/out of home hobbies, so all the household duties fall to her. And their lives can revolve around HIS hobbies. I hike which is time consuming and chose a DP who enjoys it, so we can do it together. But many men I know who hike have chosen women who don't enjoy the outdoors - and then spend most weekends and holidays away from their families! Then once the poor wife has lost herself even more to the drudgery of housework and child care, he'll compare her to childless women or the women who do his hobby - and resent her/wish she was different.

Take a half day on alternate weekends with him and just go somewhere on your own. Even if it's just to read in a library or cafe or go to the cinema. The point is for him to stop taking you for granted or have the opportunity to look down on you. If you didn't have kids and were single/not interested in dating, what would occupy you? Now go do that for a half day. Your kids will grow up one day and leave home, and given he's already started being negative about who you've become, create a life where you will be happy even on your own.

Some of us enjoy doing things alone and cooking and reading can absolutely be hobbies.
Sure, everyone cooks dinner. But if it's a hobby I imagine OP puts a lot of thought into it and has fun.
Same with reading and films.

I think it was a mean comment meant to diminish OP and I think those of you commenting that she needs to "gets out of the house" are not accounting for the fact that all humans are different.

Why should she go and do something just to fit into your and her husband's idea of what a valid hobby is???

How effing judgemental.

Some of us don't recharge and take no pleasure from a active or group activities.

This is perfectly reasonable.

A 'hobby' usually gets you out of the house (although not always) and meeting people

I find this point of view really strange. The dictionary definition of a hobby is "an activity done regularly in one's leisure time for pleasure" but there does seem to be a weird snobbery that exists around hobbies, with some being deemed more worthy than others.

I have a very 'peopley' job, I am out of the house interacting with people face to face all day, four days a week. So when I'm not working or out with friends, I really value time spent doing solitary hobbies in the comfort of my own home. I don't see why that's any less valid and worthy of being prioritised than a man wanting to play a round of golf.

People saying OP's hobbies aren't hobbies they're "just normal life" must be forgetting that there are plenty of people don't read for pleasure, and there is a big difference between cooking because you need to eat and cooking for pleasure. The latter usually involves researching recipes, dedicating time to experimenting with different flavours and, most importantly, enjoying it! Yes, almost everyone watches films but I have a friend who goes to the cinema (alone) 2-3 times a week, reads tons of reviews and articles about films and listens to podcasts about films. So for him film is a passion, definitely more of a hobby than "just normal life".

Time for an interest in Ceramics, Art, Archaeology, etc - which requires at least a weekly attendance and possibly even some equipment, supplies, as well as lots of time to think about your 'creativ'.

I find this point of view really strange. The dictionary definition of a hobby is "an activity done regularly in one's leisure time for pleasure" but there does seem to be a weird snobbery that exists around hobbies, with some being deemed more worthy than others.

I agree @neverbeenskiing cooking is my hobby and I love it. It's not just making the dinner...it's reading about food, finding new recipes, trying new things (I cook 2-3 new recipes a week), working with new ingredients. That's not just "part of life".

Reading is a hobby too. I'm part of a book club so I'm reading something specific. Not everyone enjoys reading, some people don't read at all.