AIBU going through his phone

[user1467114819]

So long story.. I suspected husband was hiding something (not the first time really) so I browsed at his phone on Friday just because I wanted to know, wasn’t surprised when I found messages to some woman, didn’t read through them all but enough to know they’ve met up etc etc, I didn’t even bother mentioning it because I couldn’t be bothered with the Agro, he then went out that night and had the cheek to text me saying how he wants another baby (we have one child who’s 11) so I couldn’t stop myself confronting him that I knew what he was up to, why the hell would I want another baby with him, he lied a bit and then eventually must of realised I actually had seen messages and said ‘well we just went on 2 casual dates’ so anyway today me and daughter were out of the house all day and he out of the blue this morning starts texting going completely nuts about the fact that I looked at his phone, turned it around on me and basically said ‘you should be lucky I’m still around you would be homeless without me etc’ I then told him ‘if you want to leave them leave I’m really not bothered’ but all I asked was that he doesn’t cause drama in front our child she’s so sensitive I don’t want that worry and stress on her right now, he then proceeded to send a photo of suitcases saying ‘I’ve packed everything I’m going’ I told him ‘ok go that’s fine, but can you please tell ‘our child’ that you are working away for now until I can ease her into the idea not just springing that on her’ he then kicked off again saying it’s my problem and actually text our daughter saying ‘I’m leaving for good I’ll come see you once or twice a month’ luckily I managed to get to the text and delete before she seen it .. the only thing I wanted from him was to spare our daughters feelings and not put her through that right now, yes I know eventually she would need to know but not like that. I then started ignoring his messages as we were out, i then had another message saying ‘well if you want me to stay for ‘our child’s’ sake then I’ll stay but I’m not paying anything’ I said ‘I didn’t ask you to stay I asked you to not tell our child in that way and just say you are working away for now’ and he says ‘I’m staying but I’m paying no rent no bills nothing, that’s the price you pay if you want me not to tell ‘our child’ anything’ like wtf! So basically he doesn’t tell her about the issues (he knows I worry about upsetting her etc and it’s not fair on any child to have that drama) but he lives in the house and doesn’t pay towards anything, he works in a very well paid job most of the time working away, I work part time in a much less paid job as I’m the one who looks after our child. So after the very long story, my question is have I caused this drama and aibu by going through his phone in the first place?

You shouldn’t have gone through his phone but this is not really the issue here at all. Your husband is “casually dating” and refusing to take responsibility for his child. If I were you, I would speak to your kid ask the husband to leave immediately. Clearly he is using the child to manipulate you so take this option out of his hands. He has to go.

Deleted - will reply properly, sorry

Apologies, you haven't caused anything, he has cheated and been actively dating, you need to see a solicitor, get your ducks in a very robust row and get the exit strategy underway imo

You shouldn't have gone through his phone no, but the fact that you found something is the issue. He's a prick. Tell your daughter straight away that Dad will be moving out and ease her into why. Don't let him have this hold over you.

God I get so infuriated with the whole “you shouldn’t have gone through his phone”. why fucking not?!

YANBU. He sounds absolutely manipulative and vile. Agree with pp you should tell your DD.

Of course you should have went through his phone, he clearly has something to hide.

I honestly can’t do it to her, because I know it won’t be done as simple as ‘daddy will be moving out but don’t worry you’ll still see him etc’ I know 100% he will go crazy by the fact that I’m saying ‘ok move out’ and he will create a massive scene and say god knows what .. I really can’t have that stress on her at 11 years old

@user1467114819 so what you stay with him forever? Would you like her to be treated like this as an adult? You are both worth so much more so let him go and get on with your life. It's his choice if he choses to be a decent parent or not.... your daughter will be fine.

So what is he contributing? The only life lesson you are giving your daughter is that this is all women deserve. A cock lodger who cheats.

He has not taken your marriage bows seriously nor gas he shown yiu any respect. Yes you should notbhavr gone through his fone but that is nothing in comparison to what he has done. Your say ur daughter is sensitive well she will pick up.on the atmosphere. He is a bell end.

Sorry OP but you HAVE to tell your daughter that he's leaving. You're giving him all the cards here. And there really isn't a way to ease her into it.

Let her know that you won't leave her and everything will be fine. Yes she's going to find it difficult but it's better for you and her to deal with this sooner rather than later.

She's old enough to see your relationship is toxic. Better to show her you have self respect and kick him out. She will be fine.

If you think your 11 year won't be picking up on an issue then you're probably very mistaken. Just come clean and tell her, 11 is old enough to understand.

I don’t understand why MN’s have such an issue with going thru phones. Years ago wives/partners used to check pockets or look for paperwork in briefcases. A wallet was a good place too.

If a woman’s instinct is telling her something is up, why shouldn’t she check the obvious routes?

Moving on, the sooner your husband moves out, the better. He soon realised his threats were falling on stony ground when you called his bluff. He’s using your DD as a bargaining tool. Keep your resolve OP. Your DD may be a sensitive soul but she will take her que from you. If you stay strong and are calm, she I’m sure will be absolutely fine.

Years ago I would still consider it to be inappropriate to check pockets. Your partner is not your property and you are not entitled to their privacy. If you don’t trust them, that’s a whole different issue that checking pockets ain’t going to solve.

Why not?

You're not wrong going through his phone, you were suspicious, quite rightly as it turns out.
I'd do it if I suspected something, it's funny how on MN some posters think the greater crime is going through his phone not the fact that he's cheating on you.
Tell your DD, it's ok to want to protect her but you can't protect DC from real life.
He was never going anywhere, the suitcase photo (is he 13 yrs old) was to make you tow the line.
I hope your next update is to say that you've kicked him to the kerb.

Why not what? Why not go through your partner's phone? Because it violates basic privacy laws. You don't own your partner, you are not entitled to their privacy. If they gave you consent to look through their phone, it's fine. If they didn't and they have capacity to make this decision, you are acting unlawfully.

The phone thing is irrelevant. What matters is that you get this manipulative arsehole out of your house.

You need to have an honest conversation with your dd. Keeping this from her will be far worse for her mental health, because she will know there’s something going on and you’re not telling her what it is, and that’s far more unsettling and damaging than being in possession of the truth.

Ok looking through the phone is by the by at this point, because you're married to a terrible bastard. He's using your daughter to manipulate you into letting him stay in the house, cheat on you, and pay no bills. He never had any intention of leaving he was just hoping the threat would shut you up. That didn't work for him so now he's having an alternate temper tantrum and weaponising your child in the process. That's not good for her either is it?

You need to tell her, as gently but clearly as you can. I'd possibly even find an age appropriate way to say "dad is going through a really difficult time and may say some hurtful things that he doesn't mean, we both love you so much etc etc" to mitigate any bullshit he might say to her, and get her in with a counsellor to help with the transition and dealing with any manipulation from her dad.

Then start the ball rolling to leave this scummy, manipulative fuck. Get legal advice.

He shouldn’t be a scum bag much much more than you shouldn’t have gone through his phone, and it’s weird how many people are using it as retroactive justification for him being skank.

OP, don’t give a second of your precious life to this self-serving loser. All you need to do is know that he will only ever act in his own interests, and never your child’s much less your’s.

Yes it’s hard, but try to emotionally cut him off dead. Try to observe how what he does is self-serving even at the expense of his child, it works very well in killing the love and respect instantly, making it much easier to move on.

In most cases that would be impossible to prove though.

Their health or even potentially their life may be put at risk by a cheating partner. Imo the right to protect yourself outweighs the right to privacy.

"Impossible to prove" doesn't make it any more lawful or ethical. If I steal my neighbour's car, I am still a thief whether they catch me or not.
In order for the right to protect yourself to outweigh right to privacy, there has to be a reasonable suspicion of an immediate threat. Playing secret squirrel neither offers you any particular protection nor proves the reasonable and immediate threat. It is a weak argument to justify violating someone else's privacy.

Just because my partner's condition may endanger my own health, I don't have the right to use my position to access their medical notes. The regulations are quite clear on that and their phone (which contains access codes to their banking, medicals, emails, HMRC and other sensitive information) is no different.

Do you take the same sanctimonious view of him lying and cheating- because what everyone hears is “It’s OK for him to cheat, including compromising your health, until he tells you himself”.

People who always bleat on about privacy, are always silent when it comes to integrity- because their actions so often demonstrate that privacy is something they value, but integrity isn’t.

You were right to go through his phone. You had suspicions which were confirmed so good job you checked. I'd ask him to leave and seek legal advice ASAP. Best of luck