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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cancelling each other out?

26 replies

starryeyed19 · 05/11/2023 16:41

I would like to get some perspectives on a situation I am in.

I have quite a lot of debt. It's not something I am proud of but it is being dealt with by a debt management company. My husband was aware of some of my debt but not about some parking fines I had stupidly racked up.

He found out about these by going through my email account without my knowledge. We've had a conversation about the debt and we're sitting down together to take a good long look at the financial situation and where I stand with it. The debt and the payment of it solely belongs to me and I am not asking or expecting him to pay any of it. He's just helping me organise myself a bit better.

It was a difficult talk, I'm not very good at sharing things and whilst we have made a plan about the debt, I haven't said anything about him going through my email. Should I? Or does me not telling him about parking fines cancel out him looking through my emails?

OP posts:
fuckssaaaaake · 05/11/2023 17:18

Tell him it's out of order. It's still your personal email so he's crossed a line. 2 wrongs don't make a right and all that

coveredindoghairs · 05/11/2023 17:25

I probably wouldn't raise it unless it's part of a pattern of controlling or stalking behaviour. He didn't already know about your parking fines, so I assume that's not the case. You haven't been completely honest with him, which he probably picked up on, hence the decision to look at your email. (Or do you think he was checking up on you for some other reason?) He should have trusted you, but you didn't trust him with the truth, either...

I'd wait for things to cool off, and then if you feel he still isn't trusting you, have a discussion about it at that point.

Coffeerum · 05/11/2023 17:35

Ultimately you don’t really have a leg to stand on when you are continuing to spiral into debt and be reckless financially, accompanied when lying to him about it.

He obviously feels like he can’t trust you and that can be very hard to come back from particularly when the other person isn’t actually making any changes, which you aren’t.

kittybiscuits · 05/11/2023 17:37

When you're married all assets and all debts are joint.

TeaKitten · 05/11/2023 17:38

I wouldn’t raise it. You were lying to him and ultimately you are married so it’s his debt too. He’s clearly done it to try and sort this situation out and is helping you plan rather than fighting with you for lying.

Moc25 · 05/11/2023 17:39

kittybiscuits · 05/11/2023 17:37

When you're married all assets and all debts are joint.

😂

TeaKitten · 05/11/2023 17:40

Moc25 · 05/11/2023 17:39

😂

Show quote history

Why’s that funny?

Totaly · 05/11/2023 17:41

When you're married all assets and all debts are joint.

They really aren’t

strawberry2017 · 05/11/2023 17:43

I suspect he looked for good reason. You clearly gave a habit of lying to him. He found proof of that.

Theunamedcat · 05/11/2023 17:46

What is his justification for going through your emails? You were paying the fines you don't "need" him to swoop in and rescue you (although it is nice for his input) but why did he violate your privacy? I would be very unhappy about this

Younghearts · 05/11/2023 17:46

I’m not saying what you’ve done is bad because you should be open and honest with him (it’s hard I agree I used to be in debt and had to tell partner (now DH) at the time).

But I do agree he shouldn’t be looking down your emails. Yes you should raise it. I can’t believe there are people saying you shouldn’t raise it. You should sit down and ask him if he trusts you, then air out all the concerns he has. Maybe he doesn’t trust you with money? Either way you need to have an honest chat. I don’t think it’s fair to look down someone’s phone, laptop etc but maybe there is a solid reason and I think you need to hear his reasonings.

Younghearts · 05/11/2023 17:46

What you’ve done isn’t bad*

JackGrealishsCalves · 05/11/2023 17:47

strawberry2017 · 05/11/2023 17:43

I suspect he looked for good reason. You clearly gave a habit of lying to him. He found proof of that.

Agree with this, you have to suck this one up.
Tbh if everything is now out in the open he's probably done you a favour, bet you were worried sick about the stuff he didn't know about

TeaKitten · 05/11/2023 17:49

Younghearts · 05/11/2023 17:46

I’m not saying what you’ve done is bad because you should be open and honest with him (it’s hard I agree I used to be in debt and had to tell partner (now DH) at the time).

But I do agree he shouldn’t be looking down your emails. Yes you should raise it. I can’t believe there are people saying you shouldn’t raise it. You should sit down and ask him if he trusts you, then air out all the concerns he has. Maybe he doesn’t trust you with money? Either way you need to have an honest chat. I don’t think it’s fair to look down someone’s phone, laptop etc but maybe there is a solid reason and I think you need to hear his reasonings.

It’s already clear what his reasonings were though… she was lying to him about the extent of her debts. So no of course he doesn’t trust her with money, she’s been lying to him.

Back21970 · 05/11/2023 17:53

He shouldn’t be going through your emails and he should justify why he did that.

I would definitely challenge him on that.

OhComeOnFFS · 05/11/2023 17:53

How much debt are you in?

Was he looking at your email because he suspected there was debt or was he just being nosy?

Moc25 · 05/11/2023 17:54

TeaKitten · 05/11/2023 17:40

Why’s that funny?

Show quote history

Because it's a ridiculous suggestion

SammyScrounge · 05/11/2023 17:56

He is helping you to sort things out, and not reacting badly. He must be hurt that you didn't t tell him about the trouble you are in and scared of the debt you have landed him with. He may also worry that there is more debt that you haven t declared.
I don t think raising the subject of your phone is appropriate here. It s pretty minor compared to what you have done.

Canisaysomething · 05/11/2023 18:09

Don’t hide debt from a partner. Don’t look through partners email. You both need to do better.

TeaKitten · 05/11/2023 18:10

Moc25 · 05/11/2023 17:54

Because it's a ridiculous suggestion

Show quote history

So what do you think the OP should do then?

Original poster
starryeyed19 · 05/11/2023 18:19

There is absolutely no expectation or obligation on him to pay any of the debt. It is debt I incurred, through my own fault, mostly before we got married and there is absolutely no expectation on him to pay anything.

I do realise I should have been upfront with him but He's been going through a rough time (his grandmother died) and my thought process was that they were my debts for me to sort out.

It is lovely he wants to help but he gets quite stressed about money and debt which is understandable but not always helpful. I feel like I have to manage his feelings and reactions a lot.

Anyway, I appreciate the advice, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
starryeyed19 · 05/11/2023 18:21

The email thing happened because he downloaded the Gmail app on his iPad and my account showed up on the list of accounts he could log into.

OP posts:
Coffeerum · 05/11/2023 18:50

There is absolutely no expectation or obligation on him to pay any of the debt. It is debt I incurred, through my own fault, mostly before we got married and there is absolutely no expectation on him to pay anything.
Maybe you aren’t expecting him to pay them but it’s disingenuous to suggest one spouse having debt is a private matter and doesn’t impact the other person. You can’t really have shared goals and work towards the figure when you’re in debt for stupid things. And stuff like multiple unpaid parking fines suggests not only only a careless nature but an immature reality avoidance personality.

I would be upset if my partner had a history of being in debt and was still racking it up alongside actively hiding it from me.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 05/11/2023 18:52

I don’t believe anyone should go through their partners phone/email but in this case I do think it’s ok.

You obviously have a lot of issues with money/debt and you were getting yourself into a deeper hole by not saying anything/ignoring it.

I would be grateful that he’s helping you deal with it and I think you should be more open with him in the future.
The more you bury your head in the sand, the worse it gets.

ColleenDonaghy · 05/11/2023 19:23

Coffeerum · 05/11/2023 18:50

There is absolutely no expectation or obligation on him to pay any of the debt. It is debt I incurred, through my own fault, mostly before we got married and there is absolutely no expectation on him to pay anything.
Maybe you aren’t expecting him to pay them but it’s disingenuous to suggest one spouse having debt is a private matter and doesn’t impact the other person. You can’t really have shared goals and work towards the figure when you’re in debt for stupid things. And stuff like multiple unpaid parking fines suggests not only only a careless nature but an immature reality avoidance personality.

I would be upset if my partner had a history of being in debt and was still racking it up alongside actively hiding it from me.

Exactly this.

He probably shouldn't have gone through your email but of course your debt is affecting him too and now you've been dishonest about your finances as well. That would be heading towards deal-breaker territory for me tbh.

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