To wonder why people outside of my home exhaust me?

[Gerres]

I’m not sure how to explain this but I’ve always wondered how friends or even acquaintances can spend hours on end with each other and not need a break. I spent 4 hours round my friends house today and now I have a terrible headache and I’ve done nothing for the rest of the day.

For me I can only spend a couple of hours with other people otherwise I feel like brain is frying and I need time to relax. I think it’s because you have to be concentrating when you’re with friends. I can only put a front on for so long until I just want to be the home version of me. I’ve spoken to people about this before and no one seems to get what I mean.

One thing I just don’t get is how some people can go on holiday with friends and spend a week in each others’ pockets without getting a burned out brain. Like don’t you need time alone to be the home you.

Lots of people feel the same, loads of threads on it over the years. I feel exactly the same x

I’m exactly the same. Extremely introverted and neurodivergent too. In a group I can only do a few hours/a day. With one other person I can tolerate more social time. Afterwards I often need a lie down!

I think I’m an introvert but an extroverted one? If that makes sense?

like I can “do” the chat and small talk and shit but it drains me. I need to go and sit alone in a dark room after. My social battery gets drained very quickly.

Not unreasonable, I'd consider myself a very social person but I have my limits. I love to hang out with friends and family when it's centred around an activity (even if it's drinks/dancing) or if it's to catch-up when there are things to catch up on but when I'm done I'm done. I can't be arsed with endless "hanging out" for the sake of it with idle chit chat. It drives me nuts. Even when it comes to messaging, I'm up for particularly funny updates or out of the ordinary things but can't be bothered with generic "How's your day?" Stuff.

I even joke to my DP that if he wasn't a chef and out of the flat half the evenings of the week, I'd probably want rid of him 🤣.

Out of interest, are you an only child? A few of us had a chat about something similar recently and when it came down to who leaned towards sociable but preferred personal space, it was the folk who were only children (including me). The ones who were happy always hanging out and being around folk tended to be the ones with siblings growing up. Not exactly a scientific study but I thought it was interesting.

@divinededacende Actually no I have 2 siblings. We are all close but we all feel the same about this (but then not as much as me) and my parents and other family members don’t understand this at all.

I also feel like I have an automatic fake front on too, even with my closest friends. I wouldn’t even know how to ‘be myself’ to be honest.

I'm like this, I was an only until I was 10 and by that time I was used to my own company, I had a very good friend round to dinner a few days ago, we get in great and I love her to bits but she stayed from 1pm until 7pm and I was so drained.

Anymore than 3-4 hours and I want my own space again.

I think it’s because you have to be concentrating when you’re with friends. I can only put a front on for so long

It's sad that you feel you need to "put a front on" and you can't just relax around friends.

Maybe you have the wrong friends?

I understand and empathize with your position but don't feel the same, exactly. I really enjoy the shared experience of a group holiday, I wouldn't be "in their pocket" exactly because I'd ensure to have plans to explore by myself, make arrangements to go out independently of the wider group and I'd expect them to do the same.

If your friend gave you a headache after spending a mere four hours talking, they'd probably be upset they'd caused that. Was it something they said? Are they a genuine friend?

Ah, fair enough, it might just have been a coincidental split with our group.

It's good that your siblings are kinda with you on some level. It's frustrating when people just don't get that some people's cups fill up faster than others.

You're definitely not alone, though. Never worry about setting your own pace.

“Put a front on” is called masking and it’s often unconscious.

I‘m an introvert but I do like the odd but of socialising in small doses. I’ve learned I have to factor in a social hangover otherwise I just can’t function. Holidays with some friends are fine as long as I have a space to retreat to and they have an understanding that if I’m in bed or lounging I need some alone time.

@Gerres

I also feel like I have an automatic fake front on too, even with my closest friends. I wouldn’t even know how to ‘be myself’ to be honest

I think therein lies the problem.

i enjoy hanging out with friends but I do feel very tired when I get home & I can't do a week of different friends each day. But they all get the 'real/home' me. If I have to spend a long time with people who get the more formal me I'm beyond exhausted when I get home!!

i live alone now & so spend a lot of time on my own, which I'm happy with, I can't imagine living with someone again. I barely cope when my (adult) god daughter lives with me between 'adventures'.

@Pinkpinkpink15 See the thing is everyone I don’t live with apart from my Nan gets the formal/polite/socially acceptable me.

YANBU. It's part of being an introvert, from what I understand. I find being around other people (apart from DH) quickly becomes tiring. Much prefer it in smaller doses.

I have a variety of levels of 'formality', as do most people, I imagine. The 'home me' only comes out at home, so these days only DH sees her. When I lived with my parents and siblings, they saw 'home me', too, and in raw situations, I'd revert back to 'home me' with them, as well. But now that I've lived away from them for decades, they typically get a slightly more formal version of me, a version that tries harder to keep things nice, positive, and agreeable, most of the time. I might hold some things back from them just for the sake of maintaining a happy, easy time together.

Then there's another level of formality for everyone else, with probably still higher levels for special situations...

I accept that some people are probably their truest selves even with friends and family, but that's just not how I am, and I'm certain there are many more people who function the same way.

I feel exactly the same. I can deal with 3-4 hours max and then the tank is empty. Unexpected visitors who stay for ages is my idea of hell. I've accepted I'm an introvert and I do my best but.... sometimes I think it's not what people want to hear and I am seen as standoffish and odd rather than a struggling introvert.

Exact same here, even school runs (like talking to teachers/office ladies etc) Seeing my son's therapists (who are here for an hour and a half/2 hours) or hospital appointments wear me out so much.
Last night was a friends birthday party. I was so exhausted from the week I told my partner I couldn't go my partner thankfully, understands.
Even talking on the phone can be exhausting.
And yes I feel I put on a mask for everyone but family it's like I can't help it/stop myself from doing it like I've been doing it for 30+ years I don't know how not to act that way the only place I don't is home but that my safe space though even when we have friends or my son's therapists over I have to put on the front and that makes me more exhausted as I'm in my comfy safe space but have to put on a mask/front.
After appointments, I could seriously sleep all day/night.
So yes, I definitely understand you it's so exhausting.

I get it OP. That is what I was like recently when I had a friend visiting recently. Just wanted house back to myself as I just found it mentally draining. It was lovely to see them but I was exhausted from the visit.

Totally agree with all these posts

It wears me out too but I'm autistic

I'm the same way, I am finding as I get older my tolerance levels for time spent around other people is decreasing (probably exacerbated by living alone and not having to tolerate others!). I very much get my energy from time spent alone. It's just how I am, I don't feel bad about it and enjoy my own company. Everyone's different.

If i was still in my 20s and half my 30s i would not have agreed with you at all OP. Me and my good mates could spend days together and did often.

But from that age on i have become the way you describe. Gradually 'worse' (if we're calling it a fault? lol) until now, age 50, i can't take more than an hour or so chatting face to face! 😳

I also have noticed that one friend is enough. There i said it!

Sounds awful doesn't it? But i've noticed that once i have a good mate who likes the same pathetic level of friendship that i do (we share details of our lives and give advice, laugh about it, moan about our aging parents, always there if you need me, our kids get on and share play dates, BUT no big long face to face get togethers and daily texting for us) i tend to sort of push any others away.

Oh x posted with you @tabulaisrasa saying the same.

We'd be great mates - for 10 mins once a week only 😂

Yes this is me! But I’m ND. I have to plan a lie down after socialising. And factor in exhaustion.

This is how introverts are - they need time alone to re-charge their batteries whereas extroverts get energised from being with others.
I'm the same as you OP. We spent all of half term with family. I feel mentally exhausted now.

I try not to socialize via dinner parties gatherings - they are the most stressful, because they don't let you do your own stuff and you have to maximise the best persona you put on. Catch up with old friends in restaurants is fine.

But I have just had friends over at our house for a few nights. They were here to explore London, they weren't in the way of me working/normal schedule, i just had to make extra effort to spoil them with nice food and cleaner house. They played board games with my kids. Some nice chats, but they didn't need attention full-time. This is the kind of other peoples' presence that I love.

So - the introvert/extrovert thing - is it possible to change type through your life?

Because i was a classic extrovert till i was mid 30s and then slowly morphed into the unsociable cow the introvert i am now.