To not be able to work my DS out

[ChristmasIsComingRealSoon]

Can anyone diagnose my DS?

11 years old
Extremely loving.
Affectionate.
Adores cuddles.
Very generous with his love, very easily expresses love and affection.
Smiles often.
Laughs easily.
Brilliant sense of humour.
Makes others laugh.
Emotionally intelligent.
Brilliant conversationalist with me and DH.
Excellent eye contact with me, DH, sibling.
Clever at English, history, geography, science.
Horrendous at maths.
Loves swimming and cycling.
Loathes team/competitive sports.
Appalling conversationalist with peers.
Poor eye contact with peers.
Poor eye contact with my adult friends.
Poor conversationalist with my adult friends.
Incredible interest in weather, weather forecasts, weather patterns, weather in all different areas of the world, historical weather, floods, heatwaves, hurricanes, storms, temperatures. Spends hours searching online about weather.
Wants friends and enjoys company but really struggles socially.
Struggles to maintain friends.
Suffers quite badly from sensory overload.
Repeats words and phrases, to the point of driving the family mad.
Low self esteem.
Cannot listen to the word 'stop'. Won't stop when told to stop repeating words and phrases. Won't stop when told to stop winding sibling up on purpose. Won't stop when told to shut screen down.
Really, really hard to motivate to get ready for school/bed/clubs.
Gets highly, highly irritable when using screens, to the point where screen time changes his mood and he becomes really rude and snappy, despite being usually polite and well mannered, even after only half an hour of use.
Gets sucked in to screen time, cannot log off, cannot stop searching Internet about focused interests, Gets really cross at me limiting his time online.
Highly sensitive.
Seeks endless reassurance that we love him.
Has tics, vocal and motor.
Touches and taps windowsills, sinks, taps, walls, fences, bins, doors, furniture.
Walks forward, back, sidesteps, then repeats the pattern before continuing to walk normally again.
Petrified of shower water going in to face.
Petrified of shampoo going in to eyes.
Won't shower himself, insists on me showering him but then shouts at me in the shower through the sheer stress of being showered. Unbelievably remorseful afterwards about shouting at me, says it's really stressful in the shower, can't help it, and says "I feel bad about myself now" afterwards.
Smiles at himself in mirrors.
Kisses 10 cuddly toys and a clock in a ritual before bed every night.
Gets sudden onset anxiety attacks, to the pointvof chest pain, hard to pinpoint cause.
Gets anxious about all sorts of things.
Sometimes sleeps soundly through the night, other times lays awake for hours in the night.
Gentle.
Kind, so unbelievably kind.
Doesn't know how to start conversation with peers.
Doesn't know how to initiate friendships.
No interest in music.
No interest in pets.
Retains random facts.
Incredible, quite unbelievable long term memory.
Appalling short term memory.
Calm when not shouting about the shower.
Really amazingly good at explaining and articulating his thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Incredibly in touch with how he feels.
Has a soft, kind face.
Unbelievably loveable.
I have such a strong feeling he's different to his peers.

First, talk to Sendco about what can be put in place and make contact with Secondary Sendco asap if moving up soon to get him on their radar, adjustments should be needs based not diagnosis based.

Ideally get a private appointment with an ed psych to explore as it sounds like there are multiple issues. Small low interest loan will get it paid back well within the 2 years you need to wait for CAMHS and you could have a diagnosis in 6 weeks. When we went through DDs ASC assessment there was a one-off remote meeting to find out whether it was worth going forward which cost £100 opposed to the £2.3k of the full diagnosis.

Ultimately even with a diagnosis there is no magic wand to make all the challenges go away and quite frankly very little help afterwards. Parenting techniques used with children diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Conditions or OCD would be useful even if it turns out he doesn't have either.

So he feels compelled to spray water over the bathroom, can he be directed to spit it straight into a bucket or similar so it doesn't go everywhere.
He doesn't respond to Stop, so in a non-emergency situations you need to develop another technique, hand signal instead of verbal, distraction instead of attention for negative behaviour.

It sounds to me like he could be autistic. He obviously isn't being "naughty".
Is it worth the hassle of a daily shower? If it upsets him that much. Could he perhaps have a wash at the sink with a flannel. Then he can be in control of the water.

Sorry that people have been so dismissive of your concerns - both in real life and here. It can feel quite isolating when you are asking for help and people don't respond.

I think you have a good intuition that things are different for your son. The difficulties with peer relationships and his sensory difficulties stand out for me as possible hints to some form of neurodiversity.

At home you support and bend around him as a family - this is something that helps to alleviate his anxieties and stabilises him.

As children start to get older, the demands around them start to increase - both socially and academically - add pubity into this mix - and children who were previously coping fine - suddenly start to show the more detrimental sides of undiagnosed neurodiversity. (Hence the increasing numbers of children diagnosed in their teens.)

I would in your case approach your Dr again for a referral to an autism assessment.

Speak to school senco - ask for help with peer relationships and extra maths support.

Look online for resources you can use to support him. Even just talking to him now and laying the groundwork for behaviours that help him to manage his anxieties will pay of huge dividends in the coming years (so naming and recognising feelings, breathing exercises, use of movement to regulate etc)

Use his special interests to your advantage - maybe he could set up a school weather club? Continue to let him lean into his special interest - they really help to make him feel good about himself.

Try to find ways to help him to develop a small group of friends - he doesn't have to be Mr Popular - but having just a small group of friends will be beneficial to him.

Pick your battles - find workarounds to things he tells you he's finding difficult - he is being quite articulate with you about the things he struggles with - give him control and let him know he is heard - this frees up space elsewhere as he isn't firefighting the feelings he struggles with.

And keep a diary/log for yourself for any future evidence you need to provide.

You sound very caring and loving - I hope you find some answers.

Hi,
He may have a clinically diagnosable problem, he may not, and no one can tell at this distance. It does sound like there is potentially some anxiety, low self esteem and compulsions although I wouldn’t like to guess without meeting him whether these reach a clinical threshold. While waiting for CAMHS, you could get him access to Kooth. It’s an online therapeutic resource (free) that is very often recommended by CAMHS for children of his age and older, and is likely to be one of the interventions they suggest in 2 years time. He doesn’t need a diagnosis to access it and it’s available as an app or a website.

Hello OP

You might find it helpful to make contact with the charity Young Minds. They have a parent helpline.

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/

best wishes for you and your little one

I also think he has traits of ASD, but I can only judge in comparison with my own son, who wasn't diagnosed until he was around 19.

My suggestion is to be proactive, assume that he is. Read as much as you can about ADHD/autism, likely triggers and how to parent around his individual quirks.

My son never liked showers. He didn't like the noise, or the feeling of the water hitting his body, or the confined space. But he LOVED a bath. A warm bubbly bath would often calm him down too.

And regarding the "need" to do things - in your case spitting on the taps. Let him do it, tell him it is fine, it's not naughty, you won't tell him off, but in return for your support he agrees to cleans it up afterwards. You may encounter more strange needs, so you need to find a way to enable him to do these things but in the least inconvenient way.

Compromise. A big part of parenting is compromise anyway, but chuck a bit of ND into the mix and it's definitely the way to go.

@ChristmasIsComingRealSoon I'm no expert (I just work with children), but it sounds like Autism with OCD elements.

Although he isn't doing any of this at school, you can still request a meeting with the SENCO and discuss all his behaviours and ask for support and advice and see if they'll support/refer for an Autism assessment.

At the same time, try and read as much as you can about it, see if it fits and look at any resources about managing behaviours/his needs. There will be changes /coping mechanisms that you can implement without having to wait.

If you don’t have a bath you can get portable folding ones on Amazon that might fit in your shower or your bathroom floor.

ASD & ocd

@Leafcrackle I know you weren't asking for advice but you can probably establish where you are on the community paediatrician list either by asking them or by putting a complaint on Care Opinion if they're uncontactable. Action for Children you should be able to contact direct.

Say you will take a short notice cancellation if you would.

You could strike lucky and phone as they have just got some more capacity or relased new slots. At least you will have an idea if an appointment would fall into a holiday date etc and whether the wait is months or years.

It sounds like autism and possibly OCD or traits of OCD. I have an autistic child, she doesn't have OCD traits but I know it's relatively common. Not all autistic people have difficulty with eye contact in all situations. My DD makes eye contact but it's quite brief.

If I were you I would try specifically to get an autism assessment, either through CAMHS or otherwise. CAMHS tends to have long waiting lists but it's quite area dependent.

Won't shower himself could actually be 'can't'. My DD has a 99th centile IQ but couldn't wash her own hair until age 12 - a combination of sensory, coordination and executive function issues.

Can he bath rather than shower? He's a bit old for his mum to be showering him.

Also sounds Autistic to me too possibly with the sensory overloads.

Take the list to a different GP and to the SENCO at school.

If you have concerns around Autism etc then say that to them, ask for the referrals but you will likely be looking at a 2/3 year wait. You need to express your c9ncerns and be direct and to the point