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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to get married on spur of moment without my family there?

46 replies

Sufi · 10/03/2008 17:01

DP and I are thinking about getting married. He's 40 in a month and we've arranged a long weekend with 14 very old, close friends and kids in the Lakes. I've been married before and fell out with my dad when I got divorced, though I've since developed a much closer relationship with my mum and dad since my DS was born.

Last night we thought, why not get married at the same time? It'll be easy, no hassle and avoid all that family c**p and all the expense - and it'd be a surprise, we'd just tell friends the night before we did the deed.

We both realy like the idea, but I'm worried it'll upset my mum (not that arsed if it upsets my dad). But if we have my mum and dad, we;ll have to have DP's - who he doesn't get on with (and nor do I), and then our siblings, and then great-uncle Fred etc etc. - and all of a sudden it'll be a big fat hassle, which neither of us wants.

what do you think - AIBU to want to do it this way? I have to make a decision tonight as it's only 4 weeks to go and the register office has told me to book the last slot before it gets taken up!

OP posts:
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 10/03/2008 17:02

What about you invite your parents but tell them it is a secret and if they won't go along with it they can't come either. Don't tell them when or where until they agree to it.

Cam · 10/03/2008 17:04

I say go for it

With a second marriage you're allowed so much more more leeway

imo

Oh and congrats btw

BeauLocks · 10/03/2008 17:04

do it!

littlelapin · 10/03/2008 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissingMyHeels · 10/03/2008 17:05

I think you should do it and then maybe have a separate celebration back at home - a nice meal out with the family? Or even a little champagne reception at home? Invite your Mum to help you organise it and then use that as a celebration to include her and satisfy other friends & family (plus more presents!! )

mummypig · 10/03/2008 17:08

I think this is very reasonable. After all, getting married is about making your relationship legal, not about all the palaver that usually comes along with weddings. Dp and I are thinking of doing something very similar. Luckily for us, my mum has already said she doesn't mind if that's what we want to do, and I know my dad couldn't care either way.

TheFallenMadonna · 10/03/2008 17:09

Is your mum likely to be upset? Especially if you had friends there and not her.

Chequers · 10/03/2008 17:10

Message withdrawn

ALMummy · 10/03/2008 17:10

I did it and I have never regretted doing it that way. Me, DH and two witnesses at a registry office. The wedding didnt seem important. I just wanted to be married to DH.

ALMummy · 10/03/2008 17:10

I did it and I have never regretted doing it that way. Me, DH and two witnesses at a registry office. The wedding didnt seem important. I just wanted to be married to DH.

mrsruffallo · 10/03/2008 17:11

I would tell my mum. She will be devestated if you don't. It happened within my family and the mother has never quite got over it.
I would be upset if my dd didn't invite me to her wedding

Cam · 10/03/2008 17:12

But her second wedding, Mrs R? At an older age?

AngharadGoldenhand · 10/03/2008 17:14

Sounds lovely.

littlelapin · 10/03/2008 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch · 10/03/2008 17:16

This is exactly what a friend of mine did - oddly enough also in the Lakes. They had a perfect wedding day (her in her hiking boots!) with no family hassle and no huge wedding to plan. Told friends the night before.

This is your day. Go for it!

mrsruffallo · 10/03/2008 17:16

I would still tell my mum. Wouldn't be particularly worried about anyone else. I think what makes it neccessary is the fact that her friends will be there

Cam · 10/03/2008 17:19

Oh I don't know LL, in some ways I think my mother would have been pleased if I had just gone off and married dh2 somewhere quietly!

Also when my brother did it the second time.

Its not the same.

hertsnessex · 10/03/2008 17:21

Id go for it!

littlelapin · 10/03/2008 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sufi · 10/03/2008 17:23

thanks all. Mum is coming to stay for a few days tomorrow so will speak to her about it. It's my second wedding, I was so hurt by my Dad during my divorce (he told me not to talk to them about it as is upset my mum, that i was a selfish little cow and that I'd ruined the best day of HIS life...!) that, TBH, I really don't think I could have him there if I get married again. But yes, think you're right, Mum would be upset if I didn;t consult her, but I'll ask her to organise a family party - that's a really good idea. I've wanted to get married for ages but keep putting it off cos of the family thing. I want to BE married but not want to GET married, IYKWIM, and this seems like an ideal compromise...

OP posts:
Cam · 10/03/2008 17:23

Oh marriage to my dh2 is more special than to dh1 - I got it right this time

Its just you really don't want so much fuss

mrsruffallo · 10/03/2008 17:23

I agree LL

mumblechum · 10/03/2008 17:23

We went off and did it without telling any family and I think it was the right thing to do as if they'd known in advance and not been invited, they'd have felt sad on the day.

As it was, we phoned our parents after the service and they were delighted for us, cracked open the champagne with the neighbours etc (400 miles away).

Cam · 10/03/2008 17:24

I wish you luck Sufi

littlelapin · 10/03/2008 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.