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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my family to interact with my children.

33 replies

Mummasummer · 04/11/2023 16:41

I live 4 hours from my family and generally see them 5 times a year at either their or my house. I have 3 children 6 months , 2 and 5.

I feel my parents my brother (40) do not engage with my children.

My parents complain they don’t see the children but when they are in the company of my children after the initial hello and cuddle they mainly just chat to me or sit on their phones. They are happy to hold the baby or push a pram but that’s about as much as they will do. Also, sometimes I want help with the older children yet they seem to just want to see the baby.

I was feeding the baby so left older 2 ( aged 2 and 5) with my family. All I could hear was my sons being told off. I walked down into the room everyone was sat on their phone’s ignoring the children.

We went to the park -
My parents decided to go for a walk for hours so I was left with my children alone . They could walk any time ? why not play with the children ?

My dad often sits in the chair and tells my son aged 2 - don’t touch x , y or z. They don’t see he is just 2. They don’t bother to play a game with him.

I have very rarely seen my parents play with the children , read to them or offer to take them to the park/ pool etc. Yet they complain they don’t see the children as I live away.

By comparison- my inlaws and SIL fully engage with my children . They talk to them and play with them. They ask to take the children out and fully enjoy this . They build Lego / line up cars and offer me such support .

e.g- we will take John and Kate for a walk so you can have a few hours with the baby.

You are tired- let me make you some lunch while you feed the baby.

SIL always mKss games for all the cousins to play.

DH says this is what my family should do.

AIBU to expect more from my parents .

OP posts:
Flipdiddle · 04/11/2023 16:43

Are you close to your parents?

how often do they see your children?

Flipdiddle · 04/11/2023 16:45

DH says this is what my family should do.

oh right so if DH says they “should” do something then that’s gospel?! 😂

when in reality - there’s a lot more to family dynamics

Ibravedaflood · 04/11/2023 16:46

I would not be dragging 3 dc to them op. The road goes both ways. And I bloody hope Christmas is at home this year... Or with ils at least!

OrigamiOwl · 04/11/2023 16:46

Unfortunately you can't make them take an interest. What was your relationship like before your had kids? And how hands on where they as parents when you were small?

Flipdiddle · 04/11/2023 16:47

Now my children are tweens and teens - my aging relatives find it SO much easier to interact

when they younger - beyond “hello” and the odd “how is school” - it was rather stilted and forced. But I understand completely.

plus… not like most very young children are all that focussed on people they see so Infrequently who barely know them

Original poster
Mummasummer · 04/11/2023 16:48

I see them 5 / 6 times a year for about 4 days each time. We text and speak weekly. I think we are quite close but I’ve grown frustrated over the past few years due to this issue.

They always ask after the children it just seems when we are actually with them they don’t want to engage with them. I find it lazy.

OP posts:
Flipdiddle · 04/11/2023 16:48

You’re in laws…. More local to you?

arethereanyleftatall · 04/11/2023 16:49

I think we can't make any assumptions about what we will be like when we're 60+, till we are 60+.
I'm getting tireder already and I'm 50.
Kids are, objectively, boring.
So, no I don't think they 'should' do anything.

Original poster
Mummasummer · 04/11/2023 16:52

Flipdiddle · 04/11/2023 16:45

DH says this is what my family should do.

oh right so if DH says they “should” do something then that’s gospel?! 😂

when in reality - there’s a lot more to family dynamics

What I mean is my DH explains that grandparents should play and engage with children and my parents are being lazy . He is saying his family aren’t amazing at all and are doing why grandparents do .

He believes my parents are takers and treat me poorly. But I don’t know as I have only ever had my parents !

OP posts:
Flipdiddle · 04/11/2023 16:53

Op you started a thread about your mum moving her boyfriend in and you were worried about your 14 year old sister.

is this the family you’re talking about?

Original poster
Mummasummer · 04/11/2023 16:56

OrigamiOwl · 04/11/2023 16:46

Unfortunately you can't make them take an interest. What was your relationship like before your had kids? And how hands on where they as parents when you were small?

I always felt we played second fiddle to my parents as children. We didn’t go to clubs because my parents didn’t want to take us ( it was their time to relax ) We did what our parents wanted ( we were never asked what we might enjoy ) . My parents believe children shouldn’t hold much power . Would never take children out to meals ( waste of money ) .

ive always loved my parents but wouldn’t say they were great. I felt abit alone at times. I remember them going on holidays whilst we were left behind !!

OP posts:
Reugny · 04/11/2023 16:56

What I mean is my DH explains that grandparents should play and engage with children and my parents are being lazy

It's more likely that they find young children tiring and boring. I know older people like this. However once their grandchildren got to school age they engaged much better with them.

Original poster
Mummasummer · 04/11/2023 16:58

Flipdiddle · 04/11/2023 16:53

Op you started a thread about your mum moving her boyfriend in and you were worried about your 14 year old sister.

is this the family you’re talking about?

Hi,

It was my bio dad and half sister . Then my sister mum moving her bf in.

OP posts:
melj1213 · 04/11/2023 16:58

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

If your family don't see the children very often then they may not know how to interact with them (especially as they are very young) - I love my nieces and nephews but the older the get the easier they are to spend time with as you can talk to them and have conversations etc as some people just aren't very good at "little kid play".

Do you direct them when you visit? IE when you visit you tell them "Oh, Katie just learned a poem about conkers at school, Katie do you want to show granny?," or "We have this book here that Baby Jack loves to read - do you want to read it with him? He loves to turn the pages himself though" etc so they have a bit of structure/framework to the visit that can help them out with what to do.

Reugny · 04/11/2023 16:58

I always felt we played second fiddle to my parents as children. We didn’t go to clubs because my parents didn’t want to take us ( it was their time to relax ) We did what our parents wanted ( we were never asked what we might enjoy ) . My parents believe children shouldn’t hold much power . Would never take children out to meals ( waste of money ) .

How old are you? As previous generations weren't as child centric.

Flipdiddle · 04/11/2023 16:59

So is this your mum and step dad or dad and step mum? And what’s the other like?

Original poster
Mummasummer · 04/11/2023 17:02

@Reugny im 40 . I do agree parents weren’t as child focused .

@melj1213 i don’t direct very well . I suppose I assume they know how to play and interact which I shouldn’t . I def

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummasummer · 04/11/2023 17:03

@melj1213 i do agree it’s harder because If as my family don't see the children very often then they may not know how to interact with them

OP posts:
TulipOH · 04/11/2023 17:04

Does DB have kids?

It sounds like your parents aren't really kid people based on what you've said about your childhood.

I'm similar, I don't have kids out of choice however.

When we're around family children I'd happily chat to them for a bit and play the odd game, but I would offer to take over with them or take them out.

Lizzieregina · 04/11/2023 17:10

I do think this could be generational. My parents were definitely more as long as you’re clean, fed and not bleeding profusely, you’re alright! They never played with us as kids or read stories or anything. They also wouldn’t have done that with my kids.

I also think a lot of people aren’t much interested in playing with little kids.

I would read or colour with little ones, or play a board game with older kids, but I don’t want to be Prince Charming or a Ninja! I have been known to go down a slide as recently as last year, but I wouldn’t be up for running around at the park.

If you were my DD and visited with your little kids though, I wouldn’t be scolding them. I’d find something to keep them amused.

Original poster
Mummasummer · 04/11/2023 17:11

I guess my parents are visiting to see me not just the grandchildren and if they don’t seem the often they don’t have a natural bond with them so it is unfair to expect them to just crack on and play with them ( especially if I don’t give direction.)

I am feeling abit guilty now !!!

OP posts:
Flipdiddle · 04/11/2023 17:12

Op is this your dad plus partner or your mum plus partner?

and what is the other one like??

Original poster
Mummasummer · 04/11/2023 17:20

Flipdiddle · 04/11/2023 17:12

Op is this your dad plus partner or your mum plus partner?

and what is the other one like??

Hi
this is my mum and partner but my step dad has been in my life since I have been 5 and i class him as My dad. I have met my biological dad now I’m an adult but had no contact as a child.

OP posts:
QWERTYoutside · 04/11/2023 17:28

I think yabu and I think your dh is not being supportive, but a shit stirrer. All family dynamics are different, everyone loves in their own way. If you needed your parents would they help you? That’s what would matter to me.

Flipdiddle · 04/11/2023 17:34

I have to say - your dh strikes me as rather unpleasant op