To expect my family to interact with my children.

[Mummasummer]

I live 4 hours from my family and generally see them 5 times a year at either their or my house. I have 3 children 6 months , 2 and 5.

I feel my parents my brother (40) do not engage with my children.

My parents complain they don’t see the children but when they are in the company of my children after the initial hello and cuddle they mainly just chat to me or sit on their phones. They are happy to hold the baby or push a pram but that’s about as much as they will do. Also, sometimes I want help with the older children yet they seem to just want to see the baby.

I was feeding the baby so left older 2 ( aged 2 and 5) with my family. All I could hear was my sons being told off. I walked down into the room everyone was sat on their phone’s ignoring the children.

We went to the park -
My parents decided to go for a walk for hours so I was left with my children alone . They could walk any time ? why not play with the children ?

My dad often sits in the chair and tells my son aged 2 - don’t touch x , y or z. They don’t see he is just 2. They don’t bother to play a game with him.

I have very rarely seen my parents play with the children , read to them or offer to take them to the park/ pool etc. Yet they complain they don’t see the children as I live away.

By comparison- my inlaws and SIL fully engage with my children . They talk to them and play with them. They ask to take the children out and fully enjoy this . They build Lego / line up cars and offer me such support .

e.g- we will take John and Kate for a walk so you can have a few hours with the baby.

You are tired- let me make you some lunch while you feed the baby.

SIL always mKss games for all the cousins to play.

DH says this is what my family should do.

AIBU to expect more from my parents .

If I needed them they would be there . You are right - everyone loves in their own way. I’m feeling awful now

My family are exactly the same. After a few words asking "how is school, what are you doing?" they don't really bother with the kids, and certainly no day trips or babysitting. I get pangs of envy when I see other families on day trips/at the pantomime etc with grandparents and aunties....but I'm used to it now.

I really notice it in comparison my in laws, who would be on the ground playing with the kids, singing songs and making buns.

Anyway, you're definitely not alone OP!

I have to agree with Op’s parents' stance “children having power…" My parents provided me, my twin and my older sister a really idyllic childhood, but we were never under the illusion that we kids were in charge! I think the parents are supposed to be running the show!
And I also think they’re right about taking kids to (full-service) restaurants being a waste of money! Restaurants are a treat to adults. Most kids would be happier if you ordered a pizza and let watch some animated movie for the hundredth time or play video games. Having to sit for an hour (or more!) in a restaurant moving the same chicken finger around their plate, watching the adults get drunk is essentially torture for a kid.

I think the crux of the issue is that things that interest children bore the hell out of adults and visa versa. Some adults are better at feigning interest than others.

Oh I couldn't be arsed with all this. Your parents are shocking to be honest and quite clearly couldn't give much of a shit about you when you were a child and obviously aren't going to bother with their grandchildren either.
Your DH is right. They are just selfish and can't be bothered.
That's people though. Everyone's different and you can't change them even if you put loads of effort into trying. It just becomes forced and unnatural and who wants that for themselves or their children.
Me and DH are pretty hands on for our granddaughter but her other grandparents, not so much. My DIL takes what she's offered, although it's often withdrawn or conditional, but is philosophical about it and thankful that she can rely on us.
My DH thinks less of the other grandparents for this. (I sort of do too but try not to).
I would reduce the visits and if they complain that they don't see enough of the children then have a full and frank discussion about their lack of interaction if you can. If not just make excuses til they get the message.

I have to say - your dh strikes me as rather unpleasant op

Why ?
Because he is saying that his parents and sister aren't in any way 'out of the ordinary' and that they are just acting like natural Grandparents and Aunties tend to do ?

I think your dh is right, to some extent.
I don't agree with all the threads on here where people "expect" the child's grandparents to have their dc overnight / for weekends / for childcare when they are at work. Yes, we do have less energy as a rule as we get older but if your grandchildren are visiting for a long weekend, and you know they are only there for that time, I would expect them to interact.
Yes, some people find that comes more naturally than others (in the same way some people find small talk easy and others don't), but if my dd were staying with 3 young dc, I would be asking what I could do to help her, even if it didn't come naturally.

YANBU OP.
I actually think traveling 4 hrs each way to see them with 3 small dc is challenging enough. If they are neither willing to help you because you are their dd and they want to make your life a bit easier for a couple of days, nor are they wanting to engage with the dc, then I think I'd scale back the visits a bit.

Imo them often asking after your dc is just a box ticking excersie...

I don’t think YABU and the vote agrees so don’t feel bad. I sincerely hope if I become a grandparent I will be like your inlaws. Having said this I doubt your family will change so you will just have to take it on the chin. You are lucky to have such helpful, involved and supportive in laws.

My in-laws were the same. A big song and dance about not seeing us enough (live hours away) and then when we did, they just wanted to sit and chat to us, read the paper or go on their iPads.

No help whatsoever, no attempt to play or interact with their grandchild! On one memorable occasion, our child said 'Nanny will you please come and play a game with me'? And she promptly told him to go and play by himself!

Said child is older now and not arsed any more. Their loss I guess!