Adult ADHD - can't cope with work anymore

[WingingItNoMore]

I'm not even sure what I want to say but I'm not coping anymore and I'm desperate. I just can't work anymore. Even with medication, (which I hate because they make me feel so dull and joyless) I just procrastinate every day. I do the bare minimum. It's not even as if I'm living it up. I just sit at my desk scrolling on my phone for rubbish all day long. I work nights before deadlines. I'm all the time stressed and scared to be found out.

I WFH and that's definitely part of the problem but I can't get myself ready and the kids in the morning. I mean I could but somehow I can't. I don't do it. I loathe myself. I feel so guilty. I wish I could quit my job and do something that is more suitable. Something that isn't desk based or requires so much of self motivation. But my job pays decently and we need the money. My family always tell me that I have imposter syndrome but I don't. I am an imposter.

There's so much else that's going wrong at the moment. I'm totally overwhelmed but my post is getting too long and I should sleep. I dread Monday because I committed to do lots of things and I haven't done them. I'm totally out of my depth at work. It's quite difficult (for me). Highly mathematical. Constantly need to update my skills but it's also quite dull. I've winged it so far but I live in constant fear of being found out. I can't ask for help. I've already asked for too many concessions at work and I'm definitely not disclosing my ADHD.

I don't know what my aibu is. I mean obviously I'm being unreasonable. There is no doubt about that. I should stop whining and just get my shit together but I'm not. Or quit my job but I don't want to do that.

I'm sorry. You are definitely not being unreasonable.

I’m so sorry OP. You mention being on medication but it sounds like a visit to your GP might be a good idea. Also can you adjust your work hours? Being able to have a morning off might help motivate you and give you something to look forward to.

I don't think you are unreasonable.

You cannot just pull yourself together. You are having to cope with a neurodevelopmental disorder.

My office had 2 lawyers talk about ADHD and how they coped with it. One guy was quite enlightening. He said had to accept that he would take longer than others to do something and he would be constantly distracted. So he went with the flow but was able to hyperfocus later in the evening and get stuff done.

You mention dull a few times. Do you think a different job will help? Also, will it help if you went into the office a few days a week and do you have that option at work?

Your ADHD means you can ask for reasonable adjustments - not concessions. I really would consider disclosing it.

Thank you for the kind responses. They mean a lot!!

Going to the office would definitely help. I work in a large open plan office and having someone look over my shoulder would mean that I wouldn't be able to be on my phone all the time.

After almost 3 years of working exclusively from home I just don't know how to get ready anymore. I've usually got very early morning meetings and just about manage getting the kids ready. I'd have to go in after my meetings but then I usually think that theoretically I could get more done at home because I wouldn't waste an hour or more on the commute but of course it doesn't work out that way because at home I do pretty much nothing. It's difficult to explain because on the face of it of course it makes sense to go to the office but when I'm actually faced with it I just don't. And that's my problem with everything. I know what I need to do. I know what is the sensible thing to do and then I do the exact opposite.

Just wrote a long post about accomodations, my crappy marriage and obligstions but then pressed the wrong button and lost it all.

Anyway I can't think of any accommodations that would help. I don't more time because that would just mean more procrastination. I don't need more supervision or hand holding. I already have s lot of that and it's stressful and not that useful. My manager and colleagues are super nice but I don't think they would get ADHD in particular. I mean how can you accommodate someone who just won't work? Who just procrastinates?
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I'd love some time out from my projects to refresh my skills but after pretending I actually know this stuff I can't now say it was all a lie. And I recently did have a few days that I was meant to spend on reading and I didn't.

@WingingItNoMore have you considered that you may have depression? It might not be, but depression can manifest in some of the behaviours you’re mentioning. I’m not saying that you dint have ADHD though

You may be loathe to do this but you could ask your employer to not allow you to wfh anymore. That would be an accommodation of sorts. Just as some people need to be able to wfh for health reasons, for your disability you need to not be allowed to wfh otherwise you are unable to work. You need supervision to be able to work. I am the same. If I’m not supervised then I find it very hard to do anything.

https://www.adhdfoundation.org.uk/resources/

Give the ADHD Foundation helpline a call, they can advise you on your next steps.

Thank fuck my employer wanted everyone in, even during covid. I spent two days, during the height of the pandemic, WFH and that taught me that if I want to be employed, WFH is not my metier.

I cannot WFH and I am genuinely brilliant at my job. I would be fired in two weeks with WFH and I am regularly lauded as some kind of brilliant genius working at the office. Because I corral my phone, have good supervision and care what others think.

You need to work with your differences.

You may be loathe to do this but you could ask your employer to not allow you to wfh anymore. That would be an accommodation of sorts.

^

This.

You don't even need to mention ADHD - just say you need the structure

You sound depressed op. Have you sought help from the gp?

Get away from your phone. Put your phone in a different room and set a timer for 30 minutes. Do as much work as you can. After 30 minutes, allow yourself the option of going to your phone or if you are in the middle of something, you might wish to finish that first. Scroll for 5 minutes (set another timer). Put the phone back and repeat.

The pomodora technique is setting a timer for short bursts of focused effort plus I use exercise to help me focus. Having a dedicated work area at home and I have a new to do list very short and focused most mornings. Close your email box at different points during the day if that pinging distracts you. And yes disclosing it at work can help as much as it helps you to acknowledge that you may need more support, structure and a daily check in with someone to bounce off the to do list for that day.

This sounds like depression. And it sounds like you know what is a factor: you need to be able to go in to work.
i hope you’re able to get some help. You are not at all being unreasonable.

I procrastinate when I am bored of a task. I find it hard to concentrate on something unless I find the subject interesting. I don't have ADHD though (at least I don't think I do). Is there an option for you to work in the office full time? It doesn't sound like wfh is suitable for you. Separating home and work might provide you the motivation and structure you want.

So, although the idea of breakfast clubs and then going into work sounds appealing it then gets very stressful in the am for the adhd- er

Some of your kids might have it too.

so plan plan plan

night before everything I the car,

everything ready for am work and charged for you

see gp or psych about melatonin, often in higher doses ( but still off licence in the uk) as without a sleep pattern you are screwed

exercise helps the fuddles brain. A class at lunchtime a day

make sure you have a tonne of ready meals and tins and frozen bread and snacks on a weekly food shop so you can't forget to have in

make sure your work targets are realistic. Don't do the adhd thing of taking on too much and trying to get it all done in a superhuman time

speak again to psych or gp about additional ssri to your stimulant. Stops the grief and overwhelmed panic. helps with sleep.

and make sure you take all of your leave, you don't owe work anything

OP, I feel for you so much. My husband has severe ADHD and is medicated for it (as well as for depression). By far the worst times for him have been in unstructured jobs. He does so much better now as a teacher where the timetable and other demands dictate what he does from hour to hour.

The self-hatred is such a classic sign of trying to force yourself to operate in a way that you just cannot. The fact that you are wired differently means effort or willpower alone will not work. You are probably expending far far more mental energy to juggle at the level you are, than anyone would know.

You are worthy of every success and happiness and peace as much as anyone else. The fact that you might need to approach life differently does not change that.
It sounds like you need more external support to think through how to do this.

It has been a long journey for us a couple but we can now work with each other’s strengths and weaknesses much better. It is doable even in severe cases.

Have you reviewed your medication with your psychiatrist or gp recently, or tried other medications? There are several out there and (anecdotally) some of them just don’t work for some people but they are fine for others. Are you on the highest dose of whatever you do take? I think this is worth considering, I think you may not still be experiencing symptoms this badly if you had the right meds. (I do appreciate you also don’t like the way they make you feel - I don’t either but I take them during the week because it’s the only way I can get my job done, I just accept that the weekends are a disaster ☹️)

One option is for you to apply to Access to Work for some funding for a work coach. I did this and it has been incredibly helpful. I had a promotion this year and needed more support and was able to renew the award. I'm having online sessions with the same coach again and it is very very good.

A coach can help you work on organisational skills, what to do on those very hard days when you just want to lie on the couch under a blanket wishing work would just disappear.

Mine has helped me realise that I don't need more time to do things, I need shorter deadlines, I need a bit of urgency otherwise I'll procrastinate endlessly.

You're probably not in the right job though 😂 I WFH three days a week and I struggle. It's very different ion the 2 office days,, it's more hands on with a bit of hustle and bustle and much more helpful for my brain. I do have to watch out for overstimulation though.

I'd check into trying other medication too. Mine gives me a big dopamine lift as well as helping me focus.

I've had times like this. The best way I find to manage it is:

a) diarize your day, allocate time to each project with breaks in between and time for responding to emails and dealing with stuff than comes up during the day. Start small in the chunks of time - 30 mins of really focused work which actually moves the project along, then spend 5 mins reviewing emails that came in during that time and just flagging what needs a response, 10 min break. Come back and next period is responding to the flagged emails, 5 min break, then the next project time etc...

b) in the planned breaks, actually get up and get away from the desk; make a hot drink, do the washing up, stick a load of laundry on, run a hoover round, throw dinner in a slow cooker - get off the screen and move. I prefer doing housework type tasks sometimes as it then makes me feel like I've achieved something else on my daily to do list and I find the more I tick off, the more accomplished I feel.

c) put your phone in a different room. Put it on "work mode" during working hours, which just allows work/partner/children's school etc to get through, not notifications from facebook, candy crush etc... If you are focused during the morning, reward yourself with some phone time at lunch. Set an alarm for 10 mins before the end of your lunch so you can pull yourself out of the rabbit hole and make a drink before going back to your desk.

d) have (healthy) snacks on hand - don't give yourself other excuses to wander around the house aimlessly checking the fridge etc when you're bored. Bring fruit/crackers to your desk at the start of the day.

YABU for not disclosing it.

Otherwise I hear you, it's tough. I also have ADHD.

Go into the office 1-2 days a week.

On your wfh home days you need a checklist that you and your manager are both aware of. (Tell them about the ADHD). Once your manager is also aware that will give you the kick up the butt that it needs doing.

Jobs need clear deadlines. We work amazingly to a deadline.

Put your phone in another room. You are going to end up getting fired and you'll then realise scrolling on the phone just wasn't worth it.

Make sure your wfh surroundings and clean and tidy. If you have doom piles and shite everywhere it's going to keep bringing you down.

You can do this, you know you can. If you can do it when there's a deadline you can do it when there isn't.

(Fellow ADHD'er).

You sound burnt out. Can you go to the GP and take some time off for stress and then see how you feel?