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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance/Wills/Step families

59 replies

CountryBumpkin02 · 03/11/2023 23:12

I'm married and my DH has 2 adult children, both nice, but we aren't close.
I have no children.
I will eventually inherit my parents property as I am an only child. Dad has already passed :-(
I would sell the house, but obviously then the funds from the sale would go into our joint marital account which is the only one we have. I'm fine with this and sharing with my DH as he has been the main bread winner and has been very generous with his money (some of which was from his parents inheritance). He also has rental properties from his inheritance which will eventually pass to his children, plus his half share of our house will go to them.
My concern is that if I was to pass away, it just doesn't sit right that my parents inheritance would pass to my DH as it would eventually would pass to his adult children.
I just wondered how others had navigated this issue.
Should I open another account - but then does this look awful on my DH?
Any advice appreciated!

OP posts:
Fionaville · 04/11/2023 00:03

I think you should leave everything to your DH. Unless of course there are children on your side who you feel particularly close to, that you'd like to leave some money too. Otherwise it feels like you're complicating matters, just to spite the step children. But then, I'd also enjoy spending a lot of the money and saving some for old age, which I'm sure is what your parents actually wanted for you to do with it. Not leave it for somebody else.

divinededacende · 04/11/2023 09:37

I think others are right, it's a strange way to look at it. Your parents left you an inheritance knowing you had no children and presumably, with no conditions on the money. They probably didn't care where they money went because it's now yours.

It doesn't have to be about "I don't think it's right for strangers to inherit my parents money" because at this point, it's your money and you could alienate your step-family. Even if they'd be comfortable with you doing something different with the money, they could be offended by how you think of them if you're clumsy with your wording.

As you say, your DH has put a lot of his own finances into your marriage and you're a team so why not sit down and discuss a joint plan for inheritance with both your assets on the table. Dont frame it as who you dont want to recieve money and frame it instead as who you do. Think about the people who are important to you that you'd like to receive something after you (or both) pass away. It doesn't have to be about your parents money, that just means there's more to go around. I'm sure he'll understand because inheritance doesn't have to be ALL about children anyway. If you give it some serious thought and decide there isn't anyone you feel so strongly about then let it go to your step-children. You might just be scrambling because you're so hung up on this strangers inheriting thing.

Also, while it's smart to be thinking about plans for you and your DH passing, remember you're both alive now. Maybe your inheritance is money you can both use to boost your life plans and have some fun without thinking about whats left. Treat yourself money!

GimmeGin · 04/11/2023 09:38

@CountryBumpkin02 are you never going to spend any of this inheritance? Will it just sit in a bank account untouched until you die?

i would be trying my best to spend it on having amazing holidays and maybe a house move. Or a million and one other things that would enrich my life.

you could also gift some to the charities and children while you are still alive. That may be a solution to your dilemma.

Totaly · 04/11/2023 09:44

I think you husband and his children have more to lose if he goes first.

From that point, you need to decide on how to split the proceeds now in a will.

He clearly has more, with additional properties and inheritance.

You don’t have to use inheritance jointly … it’s yours unless you put it towards joint costs.

They same for him, he used his money for joint assets? Are the rentals in his name?

From this point I would open another account in your name and suggest you use it for fun money or buy a property that you can leave to who ever you want - then will wise, the step children will inherit you and your husbands joint assets.

wideawakeinthemiddleofthenightagain · 04/11/2023 09:52

It's a game of roulette in this sort of situation. Your DH dies first, you inherit all of his assets and then you write a will leaving it all to a donkey sanctuary or something and his children get nothing. Or, as you say, you die first, it all goes to your DH and his children effectively get double.
I'd suggest speaking to a solicitor as there are various provisions you can put in about lifetime interests or a "if DH is alive I want X to happen but if DH has died I want Y to happen".

Wheredidyougonow · 04/11/2023 09:56

Do you somehow feel cheated in his kids getting it op? Why not just leave a portion to him and the rest to the kids in your family? I'm sure your parents would rather that, than adults who they barely knew?

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 04/11/2023 10:09

For heaven's sakes, do NOT leave a "proportion" of your share of the house to charity! Some charities have known to be very hard nosed about getting their share to the complete detriment of anyone else inheriting. Much better to have a set value or a maximum value.

Cherrysoup · 04/11/2023 10:12

Spend the lot, as I keep telling my mother, who is 85. Either that or don’t rely on it because she might need a care home eventually.

LakeTiticaca · 04/11/2023 10:21

Gerrit Spent

End of problem 😉

Muchof · 04/11/2023 10:24

CountryBumpkin02 · 03/11/2023 23:20

I really don't know. Charity, children within my family. I don't feel my parents money passing to unrelated strangers feels right but unsure how to navigate this. Maybe I should just go on a world cruise and spend it all 😂

Show quote history

So just write a will? 🤷‍♀️. What exactly is the problem here.

BIossomtoes · 04/11/2023 10:25

I can’t see the logic of not wanting the money to go to “unrelated strangers” and then leaving it to charity. It makes no sense to me. Our money, which includes my entire inheritance, is being left equally between his three kids and my one because that’s the fair way of doing it.

quitefranklyabsurd · 04/11/2023 10:26

It seems that his adult children will be well taken care of in his death through his assets.

given what you’ve written here I’d sit down with your husband and explain what you want to happen with your inheritance in the event of your death. Open a bank account so it’s kept separate. None of this is unreasonable but you do need to talk about it.

what does his will say re asserts should he die before you? Does it all get left to you or does it go to his children?

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 04/11/2023 10:31

Would you wish for your parents inheritance to pass to your DH adult children from another marriage? I don't mean that passive aggressively, a genuine question, as I'm unsure.

Yes, I wouldn't see that as an issue. I'd see it as being left to me to do as I please, I then leave it to my husband to do as he pleases.

If I didn't have much of a relationship with the step children, and I outlived my husband, then I'd redo the will and wouldn't leave the whole lot to them. But as a general point I wouldn't have an issue with my parents' money (which would then be my money) going to them.

TreasureValley · 04/11/2023 10:36

Why not give it (or some of it) away now, while you're alive? No one can contest that.

PicaK · 04/11/2023 10:37

Never mind if he dies. What about if he divorces you once you've inherited and the money is in the family pot?

TreasureValley · 04/11/2023 10:38

A separate bank account wouldn't make any difference, surely? Your DH would inherit your estate, including that, unless you put someone else on with you as a shared account.

OnGoldenPond · 04/11/2023 10:39

You say that your DH had left his rental properties and his share of your marital home to his children.

So unless he has left you a life interest in the marital home you will be left homeless when your home is sold to give his children their share. I presume you have willed your share to him so he would be fine in the event of your death.

If that is the case you need to invest your inheritance in a property in your sole name so you have somewhere to live if he dies first.

This is much more pressing than worrying about who gets your inheritance when you are dead.

How do you feel about the fact that your DH has made no provision for you to be housed in the event of his death. Has he left you anything or does it all go to his DC?

OnGoldenPond · 04/11/2023 10:52

wideawakeinthemiddleofthenightagain · 04/11/2023 09:52

It's a game of roulette in this sort of situation. Your DH dies first, you inherit all of his assets and then you write a will leaving it all to a donkey sanctuary or something and his children get nothing. Or, as you say, you die first, it all goes to your DH and his children effectively get double.
I'd suggest speaking to a solicitor as there are various provisions you can put in about lifetime interests or a "if DH is alive I want X to happen but if DH has died I want Y to happen".

Nowhere does OP say everything goes to her if DH dies before her. In fact her OP strongly suggests all his properties including his half of their home goes directly to his DC, meaning her home will be sold to give DC their half and she is left homeless.

This would seem to be a much bigger problem than what happens to her money after she dies!

SunshineAutumnday · 04/11/2023 11:01

So your DHs been the main breadwinner and generous with his parents inhertiance to you as a couple but you are not happy for your inhertiance to be use in similar context. Seems very one sided. Surely you have benefited from his inheritance, wouldn't be nice for his children your step children to have similar benefits. Just seems mean.

Original poster
CountryBumpkin02 · 04/11/2023 11:02

Fionaville · 04/11/2023 00:03

I think you should leave everything to your DH. Unless of course there are children on your side who you feel particularly close to, that you'd like to leave some money too. Otherwise it feels like you're complicating matters, just to spite the step children. But then, I'd also enjoy spending a lot of the money and saving some for old age, which I'm sure is what your parents actually wanted for you to do with it. Not leave it for somebody else.

I think I will use it for mine and DH life together and put a chunk into savings as a pension top up if we are lucky enough to make old bones.

OP posts:
Original poster
CountryBumpkin02 · 04/11/2023 11:07

divinededacende · 04/11/2023 09:37

I think others are right, it's a strange way to look at it. Your parents left you an inheritance knowing you had no children and presumably, with no conditions on the money. They probably didn't care where they money went because it's now yours.

It doesn't have to be about "I don't think it's right for strangers to inherit my parents money" because at this point, it's your money and you could alienate your step-family. Even if they'd be comfortable with you doing something different with the money, they could be offended by how you think of them if you're clumsy with your wording.

As you say, your DH has put a lot of his own finances into your marriage and you're a team so why not sit down and discuss a joint plan for inheritance with both your assets on the table. Dont frame it as who you dont want to recieve money and frame it instead as who you do. Think about the people who are important to you that you'd like to receive something after you (or both) pass away. It doesn't have to be about your parents money, that just means there's more to go around. I'm sure he'll understand because inheritance doesn't have to be ALL about children anyway. If you give it some serious thought and decide there isn't anyone you feel so strongly about then let it go to your step-children. You might just be scrambling because you're so hung up on this strangers inheriting thing.

Also, while it's smart to be thinking about plans for you and your DH passing, remember you're both alive now. Maybe your inheritance is money you can both use to boost your life plans and have some fun without thinking about whats left. Treat yourself money!

Your advice has been really helpful thankyou, and I agree with everything you say. Thanks for helping to give me better perspective on this 😊

OP posts:
User562377 · 04/11/2023 11:09

I have step kids and joint kids so slightly different.

I'm clear that anything I inherit from my parents will go to my children only and not my step-children. That's what my parents would want.

It's more complicated in your situation if you don't have anyone blindingly obvious to leave it to but I still think its fine to say you want to leave at least a share of your parents' money to people or charities that you choose or they would have chosen.

Put a half or a third into your joint pot to spend with your husband in your lifetime and be clear that the rest should go elsewhere. If you don't need it then pass it on when you're still alive.

I think I will put anything I inherit from my parents directly into my children's names so it won't really feature in our joint assets when we're both gone.

I know it sounds harsh but my step kids will inherit from both their parents, they don't need my parents money also. It would be different if they had built a close relationship over the years but they haven't.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 04/11/2023 11:12

Sounds like you both need to think about wills. I agree with pp, you can't take it with you, you have no direct descendants to worry about. Why not aim to spend most of it? Tuck some away for unexpected expenses.

Original poster
CountryBumpkin02 · 04/11/2023 11:13

OnGoldenPond · 04/11/2023 10:39

You say that your DH had left his rental properties and his share of your marital home to his children.

So unless he has left you a life interest in the marital home you will be left homeless when your home is sold to give his children their share. I presume you have willed your share to him so he would be fine in the event of your death.

If that is the case you need to invest your inheritance in a property in your sole name so you have somewhere to live if he dies first.

This is much more pressing than worrying about who gets your inheritance when you are dead.

How do you feel about the fact that your DH has made no provision for you to be housed in the event of his death. Has he left you anything or does it all go to his DC?

At present we have no will, but we will sort this soon. We have discussed we leave the house to one another but his half in trust to his children so when I pass, half will go to them, but I can live in it up until I go. I will also inherit his pension.

OP posts:
Pinkelephant66 · 04/11/2023 11:38

Definitely see your point. You need to make a will