To think he is lazy and selfish!

[rollonretirementfgs]

DH works remotely. Sometimes goes to London, sometimes works from home. Computer based job.

I work 3 days a week. Children go to school 20 minutes drive from home. I do school runs 3 out of 5 days.

I also do all shopping, cooking, most of the washing up, cleaning/organising the kitchen.

I feed and walk the dog, DH sometimes walks him.

I do all washing, ironing, putting away.

I do ALL cleaning, tidying. Making beds, tidying toys, organising things.

I do all school prep (PE kits, uniform etc)

DH takes eldest child football training and to matches on Sundays.

DH participates in leisure activities/sports 3 nights per week plus Saturday morning.

Is this a fair split of responsibilities? I think he is lazy, DH thinks this is fair.

So he works 5 days, you work 3. So you can do the housework, food shop etc in your 2 days. Weekends should be 50:50, as should evenings. You should get equal leisure time off.
Kids need to make their own beds and tidy their own toys.

He’s working from home, why can’t he put a wash on? Do little things to help out, it’s not hard it’s dull and boring and that is why he doesn’t do it.

Presumably you’re both home when the washing up needs doing.
Dh and I have an informal routine of whoever cooks the other washes up.
I think your dh is a bit lazy tbh.
Before you had dc you both worked full time, did your dh do his share?

My dh used to work away a lot and couldn’t do much in the house but at weekends he kept the garden immaculate and had an allotment too. He’s also more naturally tidier than me so I’m often cleaning up my own mess.

My ex dh does one hour a month whilst claiming to take the kids eow. I do 50 hours, run a household and do everything for them which has impacted my career. Apparently this is how life is for women and I shouldn’t moan. Shrugs.

It sounds unfair to me but one of the best ways to have this out is to make lists. First, aim to agree together what you think a fair split of domestic labour would be, given you work fewer days - eg 60/40 with you doing 60 and he 40 percent? Until you're on the same page with that you won't have clear conversations about it as you may be working to different assumptions.

Then make lists. Who currently does what around the house, how often it gets done and how long it takes. Then compare how that breaks down against your ideal split and adjust if need be.

Something to watch out for in making these lists, however, is that not all domestic tasks are created equal. Research shows that women are disproportionately responsible for tasks that are both more regular than men (eg laundry/cooking Vs mowing the lawn), and more time-critical (ie if the laundry isn't done that day, the kids won't have their PE kit ready in time; if meals aren't planned and made, everyone goes hungry, whereas if the lawn is a week late being mowed, there's not really much impact of that delay). So don't just look at how much time each of you is spending on tasks, apply that lens too.

What the? God are we regressing to the 1900’s?? 🤦🏻‍♀️

It doesn't sound fair to me OP but there's a lot of handmaidens on mumsnet who equate the person with the bigger job as practically royalty. It's weird.

How these men can stand to be passengers in their own family and domestic lives I will never understand. It's so embarrassing for them.

When do you get your 4x3 hours or whatever to do your hobby

This is nothing like fair. He’s appalling.

Some of these responses…

You have 2 child free days a week when you are not working. I do think it's reasonable that you do more of the house stuff.

How old are the kids?

Your husband is a lazy twat.

Yes if he’s working full time then he sounds like doing enough, perhaps be could do a bit more cooking/washing up and sort his own laundry and ironing. Is there anything you can outsource if you’re feeling overwhelmed?

I would add up the hours and estimate how much extra work you are doing; people who don't do housework tend to severely underestimate how much time it takes to keep a clean home on a daily basis.

If your extra hours exceeds his hours working 5 days then yes it is unfair and he will need to get a few tasks. Or he can contribute to hiring a cleaner. Also if kids are old enough they should make their own beds and tidy their toys/rooms.

I haven’t got enough face to palm.

He’s not doing anything. He works from home. The OP is doing it all and works three full days.

Doing next to nothing, playing his own sport multiple times a week… no. That’s not ‘doing enough’.

Fuck sake.

And it shouldn’t be the OP’s mental load to ‘outsource’ stuff. It’s both of their home, both of their jobs to sort.

Doing enough? He isn't bloody doing anything! Why do some men think their only role is to go to work and then that's it! And 3 nights a week doing hobbies and on Saturday, god he's living the life. No it's not fair. Maybe one weekend you watch you child play football and he stays home cleaning the whole house and getting uniforms ready.

You should have a break at the weekend and split chores 50/50.

When is your leisure time?

When can you switch off from the mental load??

Carry on a day more and you be resentful.

He's an adult human, he needs to share your heavy and boring load.

That's what partners do. One doesn't benefit from the exhaustion of the other.

He is living the dream and your life is a nightmare of never ending drudgery.

We are behind you. Take control and sort it out! Xxx

Weekend kid organised activities: OP does 0%, he does 100%, probably 4-6 hours/weekend. (that's what OP said, she does 0%)

School runs: OP does 60%, he does 40%.

Cleaning, kitchen organising, dog walking: OP does... 80%?

School Prep, laundry, tidying, Other dog care, Shopping, cooking: OP does 100%

What do you want him to do in the last 2 rows, OP? How many hours are they taking, I presume more than the 4-6 hours he spends supporting the footie training.

No it’s not fair. He needs to take on a lot more responsibility.

Every day things should be split 50-50 on the days you both work. So that’s kid wrangling, dog wrangling, cooking, cleaning kitchen and laundry. The mental load also needs to be split equally.

I do think it’s fair that you do the majority of the housework on your days off but at the moment he is monumentally taking the piss.

He works full time, does x2 school runs and takes the the DC to training and football matches and sometimes walks the dog so he certainly isn’t lazy or does nothing. I think he could do some cooking on his non work days, definitely tidy up after himself etc. I work part time and DH full time, kids at school now so I get the cleaning, batch cooking, online shop, ironing and other admin done on my days off. I would rather work part time and do those jobs. Is there way they could look to outsource or do those jobs more efficiently. Is she cooking elaborate meals every night? Is the family not tidying up after itself, the kids should be tidying their own rooms, is she ironing a set of school clothes every night rather than in one big batch as not enough sets of clothes? It seems a shame so much resentment when DH sounds fairly decent

4 times a week he is out at sports?

Unbelievable.

He is lazy and selfish.

You are not wrong there.

What’s wrong with being out at sports 4 days a week? What is it he should be doing alternatively in this time? Surely can’t the OP just relax during this time at home, lots of people enjoy that time they get on their own. If OP wanted to go out 3-4 times a week what is stopping her. It sounds like the household just doesn’t run very efficiently or everything is done to a ridiculously high standard e.g meals that need alot of prep and clearing up, they are not necessary if your feeling it’s too much. If the DH is demanding the elaborate standards then yes he should be doing more

This

Do we count browsing social media (like MN) or watching TV as part of OP's leisure time... if not, why not.