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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To kick him out and not give a f?

53 replies

feelinglost11 · 03/11/2023 09:25

Been with DH for 7 years, have 1 DD together and he has 2 DD from previous, we've been married 17 months.

He made some new friends at the start of the year, been going out everyday of the week not coming home until 6am on weekends but was jus told I'm being paranoid etc.

Went abroad just the two of us in august and low and behold found out he'd been cheating. No sex from what they both say but they had kissed a few times on nights outs and was texting 24/7.

I thought I've got to push it to the back of my head while we're away and deal with it when I'm home. Got home obviously DD is obsessed with him (she has GDL, autism and a few other things so doesn't really understand too much) so I tried to move past it. It's been 2 months now he's done nothing to change, still be going out etc I always go on his phone when he's not looking (unhealthy I know) and don't find anything but I've just had enough.

I tried to call it quits a few nights ago but he gave the sob story he has nowhere to go, where are his kids gonna see him, nowhere will accept the dogs etc ..

Just for context my mum brought me a house in 2020 so admittedly I don't have to pay rent but he's lived in my house for years, got 2 dogs I didn't want (sorry dog lovers) and his 2 kids have the big bedroom for when they decided to come over, they are pre-teens now so hardly come over, while our 5 year old is in the box room 7 days a week. He's like having another baby I can't even comprehend it but whether he's here or not my life is no different.

I've just had enough of all of it but I haven't got the heart so kick him out. I can't forgive him for what's he's done and I'm just miserable. After I tried to finish it the other night he woke up the morning like everything was sunshine and daisies and I don't have the energy to start it all over again..

Help 😩

OP posts:

Menopants · 03/11/2023 09:31

Get him now. It’s a short marriage so you will be able to keep your house. He is using you. Im really sorry you are goinG through this. Do you have friends or family to help?

Original poster

feelinglost11 · 03/11/2023 09:32

Menopants · 03/11/2023 09:31

Get him now. It’s a short marriage so you will be able to keep your house. He is using you. Im really sorry you are goinG through this. Do you have friends or family to help?

The house is actually in my mums name I just live here so that's not an issue. I'm really close with his family which makes it awkward, his cousins are my friends so feel like I can't say too much to them either and I don't bother telling my family anything until I've made a decision as I can't deal with their input lol

OP posts:

nopeasplease · 03/11/2023 09:34

He needs to go. The not coming home until 6am would be enough for me, let alone the cheating

MagpiePi · 03/11/2023 09:38

If he hasn’t changed his behaviour then he doesn’t actually give a shit about you or your relationship. He’s probably got another phone to carry on with OW.

Harden your heart to his pathetic whining. He’s old enough to look after himself.

Zimunya · 03/11/2023 09:38

@feelinglost11 - you already know what the answer is here, as you've covered it in your post. His behaviour hasn't improved, and it won't. He doesn't value you, but you can value yourself. I totally get your reluctance to put your DD through a separation, but it sounds like you will all be happier without him. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/11/2023 09:42

For goodness sake, OF COURSE kick him out, he is a complete arsehole.

Which should have been obvious from the beginning by the sounds of it.

He is just using you.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 03/11/2023 09:47

He hasn't done anything to deserve your consideration or concern. I suggest telling him very clearly that you're no longer in a relationship and he has 2-3 weeks to find a place and then he'll have to move out whether he's found one or not. He doesn't deserve that, but given you have a kid together that's what I'd do. Thankfully your mum has the house in her name and if you're not paying rent I think that means he doesn't have any legal rights to remain in the house, which will makes things easier.

BananaHamster · 03/11/2023 09:47

Kick him out today, he can stay at the OWs house or his families. Don't be a mug op. You're worth a million times more than this.

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/11/2023 09:49

Kick him out. Don’t be a total doormat. Don’t teach that to your DD. He’s just manipulating you as well as cheating. He probably laughs at you behind your back with his OW and his mates about what a cushty set up he has and all he has to do is turn on the tears.

Get him out now.

Pootles34 · 03/11/2023 09:51

The fact that his sob story wasn't how much he would miss you, or that he regretted hurting you, but instead about what he was going to do, should tell you everything you need to know. He is the very definition of cock lodger. You are in the ideal situation re housing, boot him out!

TheNoodlesIncident · 03/11/2023 09:59

The fact that his sob story wasn't how much he would miss you, or that he regretted hurting you, but instead about what he was going to do, should tell you everything you need to know.

Yep, he's self-centred and doesn't give a shit about you. Goodness knows why he bothered getting married, unless he thought there was something in it for him. He sounds stupid as well as thoughtless and selfish.

Kick him out and start divorce proceedings, you can do better than this.

Optionyougot · 03/11/2023 09:59

He should have thought of all of that before cheating on you. I'd put it in writing that you want him out, and when by. After that, the locks get changed. Hoping the house is in your mums name so he doesn't have a claim to it? edited after update

Please dont mix up your daughter loving him and his ability to be a dad to her with your marital status. He can and bloody well should strive to be a great dad even if he is an ex husband.

NotLactoseFree · 03/11/2023 10:01

So he lives rent free, does zero childcare and is out all the time? What on earth do you benefit from in this relationship?

Apossum · 03/11/2023 10:03

This is all his own fault.. he wasn’t worried about hurting you when he was chasing after another woman, and he certainly didn’t give a second thought to the fact he was living for free, and that he wouldn’t have anywhere for his kids and his dogs 🎻 time to grow up, dickhead, and provide for yourself.

Manadou · 03/11/2023 10:03

Boot him and his dogs out. Your new life, the one you should be having, starts from that moment.

coconutpie · 03/11/2023 10:05

Pootles34 · 03/11/2023 09:51

All of this.

Kick him out now and be done with it.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 03/11/2023 10:07

I tried to call it quits a few nights ago but he gave the sob story he has nowhere to go, where are his kids gonna see him, nowhere will accept the dogs etc ..

So he didn't even apologise, tell you he loves you, tell you he'll try and make it up to you. Instead he's more worried about where he's going to go. Speaks volumes doesn't it.

Kick him out, where he goes isn't your concern

muchalover · 03/11/2023 10:08

So..
He didn't value the set up.
Didn't spent time with any children - how could he if getting in at 6am.
Didn't spend any time with you - out in the evening and all night weekends.
Wasn't looking after his own dogs.

Of course he doesn't want to leave this cushy little arrangement.

He is taking you for a mug. Your choice is ... Do you want to be one?

ElizaWinter · 03/11/2023 10:09

You know he needs to go. You don't want him or his dogs.

If a friend was in the same situation what would say to her? You know the answer.

It's his problem finding accommodation, not yours. His new friends can help him out.

Tell him it's over and that your solicitor has been instructed. Tell everyone else too, so you know it's definitely happening and he can't talk you round!!

Go on, your future self will thank you!

Bonbon21 · 03/11/2023 10:09

He is a grown up (waste of space..).
He needs to (be made to) be responsible for his actions.
Kick him out.
Tell EVERYBODY..... you dont cover for him, make excuses for him, be nice to him.. he's a twat.
Divorce, get child support and move on...

ChocoChocoLatte · 03/11/2023 10:58

He's obviously going somewhere till 6am. I'd suggest he goes there.......

Absolute cocklodger who will now have 3 kids and two dogs he can't care for.

No thanks, off you pop Sir.

You sound strong and settled and in control of your own mental health - good on you!

KneeQuestion · 03/11/2023 11:01

Divorce him. Asap. Citing adultery.

his living arrangements are not your concern.

TulipOH · 03/11/2023 11:13

Thank god the house is in your DM name!!

Kick him out now.

Britneyfan · 03/11/2023 11:17

You know you don’t HAVE to accept the sob story?! (And they have 100 percent had sex sorry). I’m sounding harsh but this is coming from someone who previously did accept the sob story and lived to regret it, learn from my mistakes! Kick him out. He should have thought about the consequences before he cheated. It’s not your doing that these are the consequences of his actions.

NotLactoseFree · 03/11/2023 11:17

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 03/11/2023 10:07

I tried to call it quits a few nights ago but he gave the sob story he has nowhere to go, where are his kids gonna see him, nowhere will accept the dogs etc ..

So he didn't even apologise, tell you he loves you, tell you he'll try and make it up to you. Instead he's more worried about where he's going to go. Speaks volumes doesn't it.

Kick him out, where he goes isn't your concern

My children are always whining when something goes wrong that it's not "their fault". Their thinking is that as they didn't do x or y or make ABC mistake on purpose, they shouldn't suffer the consequences. I tell them constantly that they have to take responsibility for things and learn to live with the consequences.

Your STBex should learn the same lesson. It's not YOUR problem that he won't have a home for the dogs or his children. He did this to himself.

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