Silent - aibu

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Quite often when I ask my husband questions, it is like talking to a brick wall. I get very little in the way of interaction.

Eg how is work? What do you think about the Middle East situation? "I'm worried about one of our kids, what do you think? Etc

He's quite bland and hates talking about current affairs and news. He hates a debate and would rather stick to discussing his quite specialised hobby. He says it's because "he doesn't know much". It's not true. He just chooses to only read about sci fi. He doesn't care about stuff I'm into.

Today I told him I was concerned about something medical. And again I may have been chatting to a brick wall.

We had a massive argument. He says I don't know the ins and outs of his work which is a load of rubbish. I don't think anyone would expect to know exact details of everyone's work day. He has no clue what is on my calendar, or who I chatted to or what my client is called.

He says I talk too much. I maybe do but I compensate for him. Eg small talk, chatting with kids, I also wear my heart on my sleeve and if something upsets me I chat about it. I enjoy debates..etc.

I've noticed conversations with his parents are one sided. He talks about sci fi, and tv shows but will not ask details or questions to others.

Anyway, we are on a long journey. So I've stopped. I've stopped talking. And the silence is deafening. He has literally nothing to say to me, even when given all the space to talk.

It's just a crap situation. I feel I get nothing in return. I'm not being mentally challenged if that makes sense.

Aibu? What have people done to resolve this?

Is he neurodivergent?

How long have you been together? ND or NT (either or both) there's no law that says you have to have a shit life. Sounds like the cracks are starting to appear. Think about separation.

Gosh I'm not sure. Possibly.

I've seen him at work and he's a successful business owner. When it's about work he can chat for ages.... he's a great sales person and very passionate.

It's just me and friends. He doesn't ask questions and there's not much interaction unless it's his choice of topic

Was he like this before you were married? I'm struggling to understand how he managed to get past the first date if he was like this then.

Only you know if that's the kind of life you want, or are prepared to tolerate. Don't fall in the trap of thinking (if you have kids) that you have to stay together for their sake.

Yeah I don't like to immediately leap to ND as an explanation for all poor behaviour in relationships, but being hyoerfocused on one particular topi, being able to and enjoying basically monologuing about that topic regardless of the rapt-ness of their audience, and having basically zero interest in other topics is fairly typical.

Obviously it doesn't mean you just have to live with it and be miserable, but it may explain it.

Example:

Me: have you spoken to your mum lately?

Him: yeah

Me: how's she doing?

Him: yeah great.

Me: goodness me the news today is awful because I read this story xyz. It makes me feel sad. I can't believe xyz. Did you see this etc...

Him: yeah. Awful.

Me: I'm worried about this medical thing. The dr said I have two options but I'm not sure what to try next. I could go for x but then this might happen. But my friend tried y and she didn't get along with it.

Him: I'm sure it will be fine

One thing I love about my husband is that he is interested in what I have to say because it's me saying it. I'm not stating that to be boastful or smug, just to say that indifference doesn't have to be your fate.

Now I think about it.

His conversations with others are all like this

"I went to the cinema and saw...."

"I did this at work...."

"So we are going to London next week"

"I've been busy doing x, y, z"

Vs my conversation starters which are mostly questions...

"How is work?"

"How is your kid?"

"Did you see this on tv the other day?"

It doesn't sound like he's interested in making conversation with you or in your opinions - has he always been like this?

I guess in the beginning it didn't matter so much. I was interested to learn and hear about his hobbies. Life was more hobbies based. And more fun. We could happily chat for hours about cinema or tv.

But as time goes on I kinda expected our conversation to evolve....

Sometimes we need to chat about mortgages, news, kids appointments/decisions, boring work stuff, medical stuff, hard stuff to do with aging parents, house stuff and it literally is like debating with a brick.

I'd hate this. I understand he might not know much about current affairs but showing a complete lack of interest in things like a medical issue you've got, or your kids is awful. It just shows a complete lack of care for you and your life.

This is like me and my husband. He is neurodivergent and as the years have gone on it's like we speak different languages. Every interaction/conversation is baffling and misunderstood by one of us so we've all but given up speaking to each other. It's awful. He has a very technical job and speaks that work language fluently!

I'm literally doing what he does to me on this car journey and he literally has very little to say. It's 99.9% silent.

It's crystal clear that I do a lot of the talking. And it's not like he's not given the chance to interact and join in.

So what happens if something big happens? E.g. when someone in my family had a very unexpected heart attack, there was lots of chat- are you ok, where do you need to be, how is he, endless checking in on me by my partner.

I mean, I know that Mumsnet only gives us a snapshot of your life but this must be pretty lonely; no-one to share the burden with.

He's doesn't sound like he's particularly interested in you or what you do. Do you facilitate what he does, prepare the way so he can just do his thing? Or does he share the load with the house, kids etc? I'm trying to work out what you are getting out of the relationship.

He's a great dad. Very hands on. He's very fun with the kids and drives them to clubs etc. he can be quite soft with them and is very much good cop! He's a wonderful dad.

Are you the opposite amd very chatty. Conversation is a skill and many of us aren't taught it as children and we have to learn ourselves as we grow. I am baffled sometimes about how much others talk, the long convoluted stories about every day events. Why would someone think I'd need to know all of that. I am middle aged, still learning about how to converse when there isn't much to say. He might be just rude or not care but there may be other reasons.

Exactly

I sometimes feel DH isn’t interested in me but he has proven numerous times that he’s got my back so I think it’s just his personality. He is very stressed with work a lot and has no bandwidth but essentially, even when he’s relaxed, he’s not a chatter or a daydreamer like me. He wouldn’t gossip or try to unpick why someone is doing something etc. So I’ve other people in my life to have a laugh with and talk absolute bollox with. He is still my rock and the centre of my world but I can’t make him like one of my girlfriends. So I have to accept that.

My husbands family talk and talk, can't cope with quiet. Will find something to say for no reason. It's not needed all the time.

It sounds soul-destroyingly boring. He has zero curiosity in you or the world.

You either have to accept it and get all your emotional needs met elsewhere. Or leave.

There’s no question that this is horrible to live with and very isolating.

I would suggest trying less open general questions and more specific focal points within them - does he relate to others by using examples in his own life in (his extremely limited) conversations?

He definitely sounds ASD. There are books out there for partners of those with ASD which might help.

You don't sound very compatible.

Either meet in the middle and realise both are very different or ho separate ways.

Could he be autistic? It's very common for autistic people to only be interested in conversations which involves their special interests and to struggle if someone changes the topic. Autistic people also don't ask a lot of questions as they expect if someone wants them to know information they will volunteer it themselves. It might be helpful to take a look at Embrace Autism.